I still don’t fully understand the turn of events that caused this to
occur, but somehow, it was decided spur-of-the-moment that my husband
would drive our children to Michigan to visit their grandparents, and
they would ALL STAY FOR A WEEK. In a different state. Where I am not.
Like, all of them.
Which left me … unsupervised.
Which seemed like it should be TOTALLY AWESOME PARTY TIME. I’ve never
been unsupervised for a week before ever. In my whole entire life.
college roommate once went to Florida for a few days and left me home
alone, but even then our friend Gene came over and we drank a quart jug
very small bottle of my grandpa’s homemade wine which was basically
paint thinner and got so shit-faced that we told each other all of the
horrible secrets we had promised our other mutual friends we would never
tell anyone and now I know all of the secrets I’m looking at you Lyle Garber.
Anyway. Unsupervised. For a week. A whole week to do all of the totally awesome stuff I’ve always wanted to do but have been held back by my family because I had to do stuff like feed them and drive them to school. Stuff like skydiving. And seeing Broadway shows. And writing a novel in Paris cafes. Awesome stuff.
So far, I’ve eaten a dinner of Frosted Flakes and a second dinner of
popcorn and Lambrusco, straight from the bottle. All in my bed. I’m
caught up on True Blood, but need to watch some Weeds
before I can dive into the really trashy reality shows. I’ve been in
pajamas since I got home from work and I should probably change them
because I used them as a napkin for the popcorn butter and now they have
yellow handprints all over but I probably won’t because, meh.
And a bra? Suddenly totally optional. Have I mentioned I’ve been home
alone for not quite five hours now? And I’m already narrating my every
move aloud? “And now I’m getting more wine from the fridge. Oh look,
we have mozzarella cheese. God damn pantry moth. Smack. Haha, now
you’re dead. I wonder if we have Pop Tarts. Pop Tarts are good.”
For some reason (I’m drunk) I thought it would be a great idea to chronicle my complete loss of social skillstime without my family in daily photos. So we can all see my
descent into madness which shouldn’t take more than three days it seems
like a good idea to get some cats, maybe five or six, can you breed
cats? because breeding cats seems like an awesome idea. cats eat Pop
Tarts, right? all of the awesome stuff I’m doing as I take advantage of this time to pursue my own interests.
So, here I am. Day 1. Almost five hours alone.
What would YOU do on a whole week without the kids?
About the Author: Audrey Binkowski is the smart-ass mother of
three boys who blogs at Laugh Mom. She could drink you under the table
if she doesn't fall asleep first. Follow her on Twitter, @LaughMom or on Facebook.