This is a bit long, please bare w/ me. I went w/ my Mother and sister today to take my DD for her 2 yr. pics. It was not the best experience. My daughter just decided she was in no mood for pictures, and it was a struggle. There was a lot of crying, and she struggled and fought and cried to get out of her birthday dress, get a diaper changed, and and put on her romper. It was a frustrating experience for sure. As I walked away to look at the pics and my daughter played in the waiting area, my mother announce in front of EVERYONE that my handprint was on my daughters back...essentially announcing I had abused my daughter. Naturally, I flipped. First off- yes, my daughters back was red and scratchy...She had just spent the last 10 mins. screaming, crying, struggling and fighting me to get dressed. On top of that, she and I have very very pale sensitive skin. I scratch myself in the slightest, and I get a red mark, and the same thing happens with my daughter. It is fairly common for my daughters skin to get red when she's upset or if she gets a bump or scratch, but there was no handprint. Secondly- I would NEVER EVER EVER harm my daughter in any way whatsoever. I love her more than anything, and I would never lay a hand on her. She's a toddler, and I am used to moments of frustration!
I immediately told her there was no handprint, and I didn't appreciate her implying I abused or harmed my child. I was embarassed this happened in front of strangers, and appalled that my mother would even imply such a thing. I scheduled another sitting w/ my daughter in hopes we might get some better pictures, and I'm embarassed to show up, b/c even if it's not true, the photographer heard this and now probably thinks I'm a scumbag. As we walked to my car, and my mother to hers, she once again brought up the handprint, but then said she didn't mean to impy I was a bad mother. I left in tears. Not only does it hurt that my mother would even think such a thing, but she has no business talking. We lived for 20 yrs. w/ my abusive step-father, and I have gotten years of counseling to get over what happened to me as a child. There is no way I would ever allow my daughter to be harmed, and I would never harm her. It just really upset me that someone who allowed ME to live w/ an abuser my entire childhood had the audacity to critique my parenting. Was I frustrated? Absolutely. But the difference is that my mother completely indulged my younger sisters and let them do whatever (even when I was treated strictly and horribly!), and I do not allow that to happen. If my DD is screaming and pitching a fit and hitting in ANY situation, I immediately remove her from the situation. My mother used to let them and then sit there asking what was wrong and what they wanted to tried to get them to stop, which it never did. She thinks I should behave in the same way w/ my DD, and she thinks I'm mean b/c she 'doesn't understand yet'. I believe she does. Maybe not entirely, but if I don't start teaching my DD there are consequences to actions now, she'll be 4, 5, 6, 7,10 and behaving the same way. Removing her from an area is not abuse!
My mother has apologized, and I will forgive and speak to her again in time. Life is too short to hold anger. But it was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever done to me, and it makes me feel like deep down she must think I'm not a very good parent, which kills me b/c of what I was forced to endure for over 20 yrs. I think setting boundaries and limits and structure is the best thing you can do for your child, obviously along with loving them to bits and pieces. I am just so hurt and upset, and I needed to vent to someone.
by corrinacsMay 22, 2012 at 3:48 PM
Wow, I am sorry this happened. I think it was a case of too many words fell out before she thought about them to be honest, so I would forgive and let it go pretty quickly if I were you. I don't think she menat any harm (I konw my mom woudln't have).
Your childs' skin is like mine. We have hte most sensitive skin in the world and anything turns it red. I have had to smack Caden's hands in the past to prevent him from killing himself (like touching the stove or something) and it looks like I beat the kid LOL. But I know in my heart I wouldn't do that......like you I didn't grow up in teh bset of environments either and I promised myself my children would have the best life!
Good luck mama, and I think youare fine :) :). I hope she has a better sitting next time. I am glad the photographer was on board....its so hard to get those lil ones to sit still. and If they don't want photos, it just ain't happenin LOL
May 22, 2012 at 4:43 PM
Thank you! I'm definitely going with my head held high! It was such a nightmare of a day.
May 22, 2012 at 4:50 PMThat's rough I would be very upset. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much :(
by cheezit47May 22, 2012 at 4:52 PM
my mother has done the same type of thing, its so hurtful! sorry!
May 22, 2012 at 5:01 PM
Hugs mamma! xoxo
May 23, 2012 at 10:35 AM
Thanks everyone! I am trying to just forgive and forget. I tried calling my Mom today b/c I know she needs a ride home from work, but just the thought of it still makes my blood boil and I had to hang up. I really don't even want to discuss it w/ her and move on, but maybe today is not the day. I think I need like another day to maybe calm down from it.
May 23, 2012 at 11:32 AMShe may have seen the mark and had ' a flash' of seeing marks on you. Maybe she realizes she did wrong by you and was scared that you were repeating the pattern. Some ppl just blurt things out before thinking.
My mom does it to me but I don't take it personal. My daughter was having screaming fits and my mom didn't believe me or thought it was some way my fault. One day my mom came by and she had her screaming fit over not getting icecream for breakfast, I told my mom this is what was happening, that now you see it isn't my fault. There's been other instances also but this came to mind first.
My mom favored my older brother to point of us having dramatically different childhoods. I see now that my mom favors my daughter and puts her before me. As long as she has my daughters best interest at heart, I can deal with the rest. I am sure in my mothering skills and whatever judgements or negative thought she may have, I can deal with it knowing I am doing whats best for my child. If she doesn't agree with my punishments, I know eventually she will see the outburst firsthand and realize the reasons behind the punishment.
Just don't take it too personal, I'm sure your childhood was terrible but that's in the past. There's nothing that can change it now, it sounds like you need to forgive your mom or atleast realize her ignorance in regards to your childhood. I haven't forgiven my mom but I have accepted my childhood and know that she truly didn't know any better. She had her blinders on. I cant change our past, I can only make our current relationship as positive as it can be. Our love for my daughter has brought us to a common ground and we learned to move on so we can both be there for my daughter.
May 23, 2012 at 11:47 AMI'm sorry:(
by xo.MommyW.xoMay 23, 2012 at 11:49 AMI dont thimk she meant it how u took it and u over reacted