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Romansmami
Please help me! Urgent! Can't walk away from my mental / emotional / sexual abuser...
May 18, 2013 at 10:12 PM

Please help me. I have been in a relationship for four years. He and I share two children and I am currently pregnant with our third. He is 52 and I am 28. I am madly, blindly in love with him and he seems to love me too. The problem is, he doesn't trust me. He interrogates me relentlessly, makes me feel guilty for no reason at all, he talks down to me and makes me feel worthless. He perpetuates my own insecurities. he actually exploits them. It hurts me to be intimate with him and so I do not enjoy it. If I refuse to be intimate with him, he breaks up with me and tells me that he will find someone who will satisfy his needs as a man. He shows up at different locations to verify that I am where I say that I am - work, doctors appointments, the gas station etc. He makes me show him receipts and paperwork that is time stamped to cooberate my stories. I am not allowed to have male friends, and if he thinks that I am looking at another man, such as a waiter in a restaurant, he "punishes" me by having forceful sex, giving me the silent treatment or breaking my heart completely by breaking up with me. I always end up apologizing profusely because I love and miss him so much that we have fallen into this dangerous cycle of break-ups and make-ups. We do not live together, but he had told me jokingly on many occasions that if I ever hurt him or leave him, he will "blow my head off". He owns a gun so although he says it jokingly, I am fearful. He is a doctoral candidate, so I feel like he would be smart enough not to throw it all away on hurting me. I feel like I should hurt myself. I'm lost because I love him, completely, despite his treatment towards me. What can I do to walk away...and stay away for good?

Replies

  • Bookoholic
    May 18, 2013 at 10:16 PM
    I would move since you don't live together, file a restraining order and make sure the police know these treats. Other then that I'm not sure.
  • mamaanl
    by mamaanl
    May 18, 2013 at 10:22 PM

    Do NOT EVER move in with this guy first of all.  And if this all is really going, then you need to get out of the relationship asap...for your sake and for you children's sake! There are many shelters you can go to...and I'm not talking about run down shelters for homeless people...there are nice homes that help other women in your situation.  And if he has really threatened your life then you get a restraining order against him...I understand you have children together but that's when you go to court & get those thing legally taken care of...If this is truly happening then GET OUT NOW!  There are people that can help you.  He is not worth it.  If he is abusive like this then it will only get worse...He obviously doesn't care about you and love you.  Someone that truly loves you would never treat you like that.  

  • atlmom2
    by atlmom2
    May 18, 2013 at 10:25 PM
    Leave now.
  • momoftwo0406
    May 18, 2013 at 10:29 PM
    End it and get a protection order. He does not love you because love doesn't hurt like that. You need to leave now you don't want your kids learning the behavior and thinking it is ok. Plus you are worth more then to be someone's option you need to be a priority
  • RiotPixie
    May 18, 2013 at 10:56 PM
    Get your kids and get out. Now. I stayed in an abusive marriage for over 3 years. My ex tried to kill my son when he was 3. Restraining order/order of protection and get out. Please. For the sake of your babies. Don't stay and give him the opportunity to hurt them.
  • BaronSamedi
    May 18, 2013 at 10:57 PM

      This is a case where you need to act.  He has serious problems.  It sound like you have a psych syndrome similar to the Stockholm syndrome.  Of course you "love" him.  It is the only way to survive.  Seek legal and psych help.  Now if necessary give the children up to CPS as he is very dangerous.  Not only to you but anyone you come in contact with and himself.  He is living in part in a world of his own making. 

  • Nena70
    by Nena70
    May 18, 2013 at 11:13 PM

    Please you need to get a counselor or therapist.  You may be codependent . I understand that feeling of loving them when its not healthy but you miss him so much. Its not  healthy, You are not alone, You need to take care of you first  and  get help , its very difficult to do it by yourself. 

    I was in a similar relationship and it took more than 10 yrs for me to break it  and  it was not good for my children to see.

    Take care of you and your Get help!!!

  • maryroses
    May 18, 2013 at 11:24 PM

    I agree with everything above.  Move, get a protective order and go to counseling or a support group for codependency.  This behavior is NOT ok and you deserve better.

  • paintitblack0
    May 18, 2013 at 11:43 PM

    Seek help. Restraining order. Hide. I don't know how else tomsay run, he sounds super dangerous. Try going on Dr Phil for help. 


    You Deserve to be happy not punished

  • chaz-flower
    May 19, 2013 at 1:15 AM

    Move into a shelter or somewere he can not find you and your kids. No body deserves to be in a relationship like this. I've been in a similar relationship. I learnt that he did not love me, he loved having control over me and what I did. It was hard for me to move away from it, and to break the cycle, but my life is so much better for it. It wont be a walk in the park, but you and your children deserve much better than this.

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