Advice for Moms

ready4happiness
Am I wrong to mourn
April 18, 2013 at 5:45 AM

My xhusband and father to my youngest passed away 3 weeks ago after a courageous battle with colon cancer. He and I remained good friends because of our child. While he was ill I would go visit and bring our child until he got so bad that I didn't feel someone so young should see their parent in that kind of pain. Anyway, I stuck with him and held his hand and talked. He didn't have any friends only me and a few family members. My daughter is going through counseling which seems to be going ok. The issue is I miss him and talking and seeing him. I am remarried and my new husband resented me taking the time out of our lives to be with my x. So, I am not aloud to greve the way I need to. Is it wrong of me to hurt this much. We were together almost 15 years.

Replies

  • Quinn525
    April 18, 2013 at 6:13 AM
    Of course it is. You may not have been in love but you shared your lives and remained friends. Maybe have some counseling yourself to help sort through your feelings. Cancer is hard to watch someone go through. <3
  • jhslove
    by jhslove
    April 18, 2013 at 6:19 AM

    It's never wrong to mourn. Grief is an individual process, and everyone has the right to do it in their own way. Take the time you need--this person filled an important part in your life, and now he's gone. I think a lot of people would go through mourning for someone like that.

    *hugs*

  • jhslove
    by jhslove
    April 18, 2013 at 6:21 AM

    Oh, also, your new husband needs to respect the fact that even though your ex and you were no longer together, he was the father of your child and that automatically means that you share something important. When you say you're "not allowed" to grieve, does that mean that your husband gets upset that you express sorrow over your ex's death? What about your son?

    I really think some counseling--for you, you and your husband, and maybe even for your son--may help all of you with this. There are counselors who specialize in the complicated situations involved in blended families.

  • amanda80111
    April 18, 2013 at 6:47 AM

    first of all i would like to say sorry for u loss and i understand y ur new husband is so mean to u about this he should be supported to u than telling u to stop crying about this... my son father died three 3yrs ago and i miss him too.. when i talk about i have support with my fam and friends

  • Thelmama
    April 18, 2013 at 6:52 AM

    You can mourn. It is normal. When I was in graduate school we took a class on death and dying and the greif process.  I was studying to get my Master's in Social Work. Any way, you were with him for 15 years, had a child with him, of course you will mourn. Our professor called it hidden mourners.  Society does not seem to always give exs the "right" to mourn. They judge these mourners and say they divorced, broke up etc with them, thus they no longer have the "right" to mourn. However this is incorrect. They do mourn because there was a relationship and a connetion.  I am sorry you are not being supported in the mouring process.  You may need to seek counseling as well, since you do not have the support you need.  I am sorry for your loss.

  • katye43
    by katye43
    April 18, 2013 at 7:21 AM

    I was married for 12 years to my first husband and had 3 children.  When he passed away of cancer about 20 years after we were divorced but had remained friends over the years.  I said nothing to my second husband because he would have exploded.  My mom and dad still lived in the town where my ex was and I was in a different state.  I went to visit my parents 2 weeks before he died and was able to spend a couple of hours talking with him.  We settled lots of unsaid feelings and I went home with a lighter heart,  I didn;'t go to his funneral and my 3 kids thought I should have but I explained we had already said our goodbyes.  They were adults at this time and understood.  I never told my 2 nd husband.   We divorced later after 31 years when he hit puberty.  I am now married to a wonderful, open minded loving man.  Wish he had always been here but better late than never.  Find someone to talk to and grieve with and if your husband doesn;'t understand that's his problem.

  • ForeverLawst
    April 18, 2013 at 8:20 AM

    You made me cry just reading it. hugs

  • cafay
    by cafay
    April 18, 2013 at 8:48 AM

    First, I am so sorry for your loss. You have every right to mourn. You had a child together, and that probably means you had some good times together. Those memories don't just go away.And watching someone die, is one of the hardest thing someone can go through. Everyday is agonizing.Mourning can be very complicated. My MIL died of pancreatic cancer. We were not close. We fought about everything. But when she passed, I still mourned her. I mourned her, for her son and my son, who would never know how much she loved him. I mourned that we couldn't find a way to get past our differences. I mourned that she suffered so before she died and fought as hard as she could,because I knew as a mother, why she was fought so hard to win a losing battle. You have every right to mourn. However you feel. Just tell your husband how much you love him and keep talking to him.When he feels reassured, I am sure he will feel ok about letting you grieve. Good Luck, Momma.

  • othermom
    April 18, 2013 at 9:20 AM

    It is normal to grieve.

  • zboys
    by zboys
    April 18, 2013 at 9:58 AM

    I'm sorry for your loss.  It's still a loss for you.  HUGS

Advice for Moms