Featured Posts
amber710
Can a woman with children ever have a successful friendship with a woman who has no interest in marriage and children?
March 13, 2013 at 5:10 PM

I am a married mother of two and I am tired of having no friends!

I want a best friend like I had before I had kids...someone that you call daily to talk, invite to all your events, hang out with at least once a week, and that sort of thing. However, I am afraid to try with the women I am encountering because I keep meeting people who seem really compatible with my personality except for the major difference that I have kids and they dont (and they dont want any). 

I met this girl in one of my classes at college today who went to the same highschool with me, knows my brother, has the same interests as me, and is pursuing the same major. But she said she would HATE to be married and doesnt even want to imagine having children ever.

How do I go about building a friendship with these women? And is it even worth the trouble or is that a big enough difference that I should just find some other mommies to be around?



Replies

  • rockinmomto2
    March 13, 2013 at 5:44 PM

    Most of my friends don't have kids, and very few are married. We still hang out. Me having kids has no bearing on our friendships. Why would it? I still have interests outside of my husband and children.

  • sabrtooth1
    March 13, 2013 at 7:16 PM

    Even women who are not married and have no kids, DO have jobs, homes to take care of, and full lives.  They don't have the time to die on the phone daily, hang out at LEAST once a week, or go to all of someone's events, unless it is family. 

    Even without a job, I wonder how YOU would have the time for all of this. 

    It sounds like you are pining for the kinds of friends you had in your CHILDHOOD, when someone ELSE cooked the food, cleaned the house, did the laundry, mowed the lawn, painted the walls, went to work, paid all the bills, and left you with time to die on the phone, and hang out till all hours with no responsibility.  Those are not realisitc expectations of adults, and may be at the heart of why you cannot make friends.

  • Halobetasol
    March 13, 2013 at 7:21 PM

    All you can do is just give it a try. Whats the harm. Just try being her freind and go from there. It eighther works out or it doesnt but you wont know until you try. I have no freinds eighter.

  • amber710
    March 20, 2013 at 3:32 PM

    I have a job....

    I work 30 hrs a week and go to classes 2 days a week and have 2 kids...I am busy too. But I also have downtime when I am just tidying up my house and could be on the phone with someone other than my sister. Or times when I am going shopping and it would be nice for someone else to go with me. I pay my bills and clean my house and all that crap, but that doesnt mean I dont get lonely. And my husband works 45-55 hours a week and hangs out with his best friend at least an hour every weekend. So I dont see how that isnt realistic for me too. If I had friends to do it with. 

    Quoting sabrtooth1:

    Even women who are not married and have no kids, DO have jobs, homes to take care of, and full lives.  They don't have the time to die on the phone daily, hang out at LEAST once a week, or go to all of someone's events, unless it is family. 

    Even without a job, I wonder how YOU would have the time for all of this. 

    It sounds like you are pining for the kinds of friends you had in your CHILDHOOD, when someone ELSE cooked the food, cleaned the house, did the laundry, mowed the lawn, painted the walls, went to work, paid all the bills, and left you with time to die on the phone, and hang out till all hours with no responsibility.  Those are not realisitc expectations of adults, and may be at the heart of why you cannot make friends.


  • amber710
    March 20, 2013 at 3:36 PM

    I suppose that is the main issue I am having. Older moms I try to make friends with dont want to leave their houses to do anything. And people my own age get frustrated at me for not being available when they are doing things. 

    I just want a friend who I can shop with, grab coffee with, or have an actual adult conversation with. But I am only 20, so most women my age keep inviting me to parties and late night outings that I am not really open to.

    Quoting brittany208:

    Sure its possible. Having kids is only one part of your life--not your ENTIRE life (although it sure feels like it most of the time).

    I think the biggest difficulty is just that unmarried moms without kids may not understand how moms cant just drop whatever they are doing and go out whenever they want. I used to go out with a very good friend who was married, but who does not yet have kids, and I was just no fun at all. She wanted to stay out til 3am dancing. I knew that I had to be up really early in the morning, so I didn't want to drink much or stay out too late.

    But if you WANT to stay out til all hours... or if you both want to do something else... then absolutely. this friend and I still hang out, just not at the bars. We might go to lunch together (and she is fine with DS being there too), or we might meet up and go running on a Saturday morning (without DS). I think it depends more on if they are a nice person with common interests than if they also have kids.


  • brittany208
    March 20, 2013 at 5:03 PM

     Yeah, I fall into the "young and don't want to leave my house" category.

    But I'm sure there are people out there who would like to do non-party things with you. Like if you can find that sweet spot of old enough for a steady job, but still young. One of my best friends still likes to go out and have fun on the weekends sometimes, but that doesn't mean she doesn't like to do other things too. Sometimes we meet up on her lunch break at work to grab a bite (I bring my DS--she doesn't mind). And sometimes, when its nice, we meet up on a Saturday morning to go running (no kids). We would hang out more, but she lives 30+ min away and neither of us ever feel like driving that far.


    Quoting amber710:

    I suppose that is the main issue I am having. Older moms I try to make friends with dont want to leave their houses to do anything. And people my own age get frustrated at me for not being available when they are doing things. 

    I just want a friend who I can shop with, grab coffee with, or have an actual adult conversation with. But I am only 20, so most women my age keep inviting me to parties and late night outings that I am not really open to.

    Quoting brittany208:

    Sure its possible. Having kids is only one part of your life--not your ENTIRE life (although it sure feels like it most of the time).

    I think the biggest difficulty is just that unmarried moms without kids may not understand how moms cant just drop whatever they are doing and go out whenever they want. I used to go out with a very good friend who was married, but who does not yet have kids, and I was just no fun at all. She wanted to stay out til 3am dancing. I knew that I had to be up really early in the morning, so I didn't want to drink much or stay out too late.

    But if you WANT to stay out til all hours... or if you both want to do something else... then absolutely. this friend and I still hang out, just not at the bars. We might go to lunch together (and she is fine with DS being there too), or we might meet up and go running on a Saturday morning (without DS). I think it depends more on if they are a nice person with common interests than if they also have kids.



     

  • caro100
    by caro100
    March 20, 2013 at 5:15 PM

    You can, but then you always have to be getting babysitting, because these women, don't want to be bothered with having kids around.  This guy I knew married a woman who had no interest in having children, he had 2 by previous woman , his wife said he could have his kids over, but let her know, because she had no interest in seeing them or developing a relationship with them.  I told him he was crazy and that her attitude about children should have been a deal breaker for him.  No surprise that the marriage didn't last 6 months.  My point is, friends are different, you can have successful friendships, but you will have to have different conversations with them, they won't be interested in the cute things your kids do.  You're young and a lot of those no kid wanting acquaintances are going to be changing their minds.  You are ahead of the curve.  

  • Bmat
    by Bmat
    March 20, 2013 at 7:19 PM

    Go about it in a similar way as you would to any woman, mom or not.  Invite her for coffee or lunch someplace-  if your children would take all of your attention, then make it sometime that you have a sitter or someone to watch them and go out on your own. Maybe she'd like to see a movie with you,  or maybe she wouldn't mind if you would meet at a playground or park and talk and let the children run and play.  Or how about a picnic. Just someplace that you don't have to continually interrupt the conversation to deal with the children. 

  • Bmat
    by Bmat
    March 20, 2013 at 7:20 PM

    I was good friends with a childless, but married, lady for years. She didn't mind having the kids around, so it wasn't a problem.

  • zacmacsmomm
    March 20, 2013 at 8:49 PM

    You are making this WAY more difficult than it needs to be.  I have a best friend that has no intrest in having kids or getting married.  Don't worry about it.

Active Posts in All Groups
More Active Posts
Featured Posts in All Groups
More Featured Posts