Advice for Moms

brittplus3
Step child difficulties.
February 13, 2013 at 11:56 PM

My fiancee has a 18 y/o son who is determined to live at home forever. He dropped out of school and used every excuse in the book as to why he couldn't go back. He also has no desire to get a job (neither does his  girlfriend who "lives" with us as well). We pay all the bills and with all the extras she has brought in we had a $400 electric bill. With a baby on the way we can't afford both of them on top of his daughter and my boys.

We have talked about setting him up and paying for a few months of bills and telling him he has so long to figure it out. My fiancee has the hardest time telling his son to grow up. He is always talking to me about how he wants him to move out or how much easier it would be if he would just get a job.

Everything future wise that we talk about revolves around his son i.e where we want to buy a house, how big the house will be and his son having his own space. We can't move out of this town because he won't have friends even though it would be better for all of us.

His daughter is only 14, you give her money and she buys what she needs not what she wants. You give his son money and he buys things that he really shouldn't be getting. He likes to go to parties a lot and sometimes brings them back to the house. 3 a.m is not the time I want to wake up because a bunch of people are downstairs and the music is thumping.

He complains about his dad being a father now and hates it, but really it is my thoughts and his voice.

I don't know how to handle this kid anymore. How do you get someone who doesn't want to do anything with his life to move out??!!??

Any advice would be amazing because I am close to just moving out myself. I don't want to lose my fiancee, but I can't handle his son anymore and shortly after I have the baby my fiancee leaves for work for a few months and I am on my own.

Replies

  • frndlyfn
    February 14, 2013 at 12:05 AM

    I would have dad write up a contract that the boy needs to do a, b, c in a set amount of time and at the end of that time he should be independent.  Maybe he needs to be on the princess show that works on financial and self reliance.

  • AM-BRAT
    by AM-BRAT
    February 14, 2013 at 1:20 AM

    What a bummer it has come this far.

    Idk what I would do to be honest, and am so glad to not have SKs.   :/

    I hope you and your dh can get on board with a plan, I'm sure the ladies here have some kind of great advice!

  • Lindalou907
    February 14, 2013 at 5:40 AM

    18 is still very young, he has not matured, I wouldn't let him live at home unless he was going to school, but that's just me. 2nd marriages fail because of these blended family problems all the time, you are in a tough spot! I think counseling is your best hope.

  • RainyDayMom78
    February 14, 2013 at 6:26 AM

    Wow that is a tough situation and it sounds like it is about to come to a head. My prayers go out to you to have God's peace at this time.

    I agree with the contract idea, but I know that will only work if the DH is fully on board with the idea. If he is at all wishy washy with his son then it will not work. I also agree with counseling, that can be a great place to have a neutral mediator and be able to talk with your DH, it would be even better if you could get the kids included as well as this is obviously a family issue.

    Here is a great book for a resource on how to deal with difficult kids/teenagers,  "Parenting Your Out-Of-Control Teenager" by, Scott P. Sells, PH.D, it also comes with a handbook tittled "Parenting With Love and Limits".... Dr. Sells even recomends going to couseling to implement the tools in the book. He tells you how to create a solid contract w/your child, and ways to deflect the confrontations. I took the course and highly recomend it to all parents. Some of the examples he gives (which are from real families) describe the exact same situation you are in. It certiantly would not hurt to be more informed and for me it has helped immensley to avoid some of the dreaded teenage traps parents find themselves in.

    Good luck to you!

  • macbudsmom
    February 14, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    Time for an ulitmatum... Allow him to stay if and only if he goes to work or school fulltime.  Girlfriend needs to go.

  • winterglow
    February 14, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    I think I would start by moving the gf out. If they want to live together then they need to get their own place. Secondly, I would cut off his pocket money. He's not going to get a job if he has all he needs - so make him earn it as in go back to school or get a job.

    You're in a tough place but if his father doesn't put on his big boy panties and put his foot down nothing is going to change ... well it will, but only for the worse.

    Good luck.

  • abecee
    by abecee
    February 14, 2013 at 9:21 AM

    Let your fiance know all of your expectations if this relationship is to continue.  I'd put it in writing and then talk about each one.

    Some things will be deal breakers, some things can  be worked on overtime, and some thing have to change immediately.  Then the decision is up to you on how to proceed.

  • winterglow
    February 14, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    I'm actually still reeling about the part where he brings home parties ... Does your husband not realize how much of a safety risk this is? Has he considered the safety of his daughter and your sons? Or does he know all of the people involved and trusts them? Are these people all sober? What if someone wanders into a bedroom ...

    Personally, I wouldn't trust ANYONE who thought it was OK to go back to someone's parents' place at 3 in the morning. I would have thrown your DSS out on his ear the very first time he brougth back a bunch of partiers. This is YOUR house and he should be living by YOUR rules.

    He can party to his heart's content when he has his own place.

  • erikadi
    by erikadi
    February 14, 2013 at 9:43 AM

    I think you need to tell your fiancee that you love him, but you are close to moving out yourself and that something needs to be done about his son. Tell him it is not an ultimatum, but with the baby coming and you being on your own. You don't think you can handle it any more. One thing maybe the son and the girlfriend can do is help with the baby.

  • DaniandTom
    February 14, 2013 at 9:49 AM

    Who are the parents here? Put your foot down and give him a deadline to move out. The girlfriend is not your child therefor should not be living there--even part time. You do NOT allow sleepovers when you have other, YOUNGER children in the house! Are you going to let your stepdaughters boyfriends sleep over, too? A $400 electric bill should be paid by the kids who caused it--at least whatever is above usual. No money should go to the boy at all! If he needs gas to go look for a job, he gets it put in the tank for him--maximum of whatever you think it should take for him to get around. If he isn't home by ___, the door gets locked and he sleeps on the porch or elsewhere. He does NOT ever bring anyone back to the house without clearing it with you FIRST and this includes his after hour parties! Are you going to allow him to do this after the baby is born? Why are you allowing this in YOUR HOME??? Your DH has to step up and be a parent to this boy or you can just resign yourselves to being used for the rest of your lives.

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