Advice for Moms
Replies
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I know exactly how you feel. Unfortunately, I haven't figure out any solutions, either. I just had this episode of "why the hell am I doing EVERYTHING? I thought we progressed past this 1950s thing where Mom does everything & Dad just works & pays some bills" today. I am in charge of the house, dinner, my job, the kids (2, 6, 10--all with ADHD), the dog, the cat, the extended family (birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.), school, gymnastics, swimming, tutoring, school conferences/concerts/events/projects, groceries, and somehow I am still supposed to manage to find time to go to the gym, shower, groom myself to be pretty, & feel like something resembling the woman he married. Yeah...right! Hubby has no clue, b/c all this stuff just gets done. So he gets pissy when I am not "in the mood" or I burst in to tears for no apparent reason...b/c I am stressed out of my gourd & my hair is falling out......
God bless him, I love him & he's a good man, but I really thought we had all gotten into this 21st century partnership thing where it was all supposed to be 50/50....and we haven't.
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Oh, and I get the appreciation thing. I just don't want "you did a great job, hon. The house looks amazing. I don't know how you do it." I want HELP! How do we get them to do that without causing a major fight?
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Oh my gosh! That sounds like the mirror image of my life, sort of. I also work from home. I am very very lucky to be able to do this and have only been doing this for about a year. Before this, I went to work at a hospital and was stressed beyond belief with the crazy schedules. I have 3 kids, 7, 3, and 8 months. My oldest is autistic and I am sure that if I did not find this job, his development would not have been so good. My husband also does the same thing. He thinks that everything he does is so much harder and I am convinced that even if he did nothing, he would still have something to complain. He is just a that kind of person. There are times when I do travel for my job, those times, I have my mother come and help. Thank goodness! Otherwise, I would not be able to travel. Hubby would of said no he cannot...even though I know if he really tries he would be able to do it. That being said, I still get nervous when I am not there. That being said, I pretty much set up everything before I leave for my mother. My oldest is on a special diet, so I pack 5 days of lunches for him and put it in the refrigerator. As for homework, only my oldest has homework and the teacher gives a months' worth so I either help him when I get back if it's earlier in the month or help him do it before I leave. So, although I cannot compare my mom to your husband, my mom does not have to work and she only does it every once in a while. Would it help if you set the "stage" so to speak? Can you do as much as you can before you leave so things don't fall apart when you leave? I know it is so unfair that you have to do that, but that may help everyone else and in the long run....maybe you can slowly "unstage"?
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My dh was raised by a mom that made him cook and clean. We always split household jobs, took turns cooking, and working with the kids. When my ods was 3 months, ds was laid off. He became a stay at home dad until he got another job (a year later.) when I had back surgery, my dh had to do every chore since I couldn't even wash dishes or sweep for 4 months.
Currently we both work ft outside the home, we have 3 kids (13,10,&6)& a big dog. Dhs schedule varies throughout the week so there are some days he works nights and some he gets off at 3. We have homecooked meals at the table every night with dh and I taking turns cooking. He does the laundry and I do dishes, but the rest of the cleaning is split with the kids doing some as chores or punishments. I think part of it was just who he was when I married him, the fact that we both work ft and its both our responsibility to get everything done. -
The first thing to do is remember that men are built differently than women. They aren't as easily able to multi-task as we are. They're not wired to understand the women's way of life and how hard we work.
Have you tried taking an evening alone with him and talk to him about how you both are feeling? If not, you should try that.
Just an idea but when you go out of town, maybe sit down with him before you leave, go over everything and plan out meals-or pre make food that just needs heated up. When you get back, spend some time alone with him and review what went on at home and figure out how to deal with those things together.
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Hire help.
The work should be evenly divided, including time spent commuting (if any) and at jobs, including car care, household repairs and cleaning, child care, meals, shopping. If he isn't doing his fair share, then tell him that you have a concern and suspect he isn't doing his fair share and could you discuss this together to make sure everyone is doing their share. The boys should be able to help with some chores and cleaning also.
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Most men don't want to.
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Yes, this would be my husband. He doesn't want to know how hard I work. He just wants to say, with a concerned look, "I don't like you being so stressed." But he doesn't want to really talk about helping. He feels he does his fair share, he's tired & so what if it doesn't get done, he has a lot on his mind....blah blah blah. He will admit that cleaning the house is part of his responsibility, too....but he won't actually do anything about it. Once in a while he does some laundry, or the dishes, and he tries to be better about helping, but it only lasts for a week or two. Then we are back to me doing most everything. And he still doesn't really want to be involved iwth the kids & their school. The thing that gets me is that he has this ability to totally tune the kids out & think he doesn't actually have to watch them...he can just be in the house somewhere...but he doesn't hear them, so....and if I do try to brooch the subject of "I really need your help & I don't much get it when I ask," he accuses me of saying he never does anything & he really does help out, I am just being a nag. So...yeah, he doesn't want to talk about it, & I don't want the fight. So I just do things without pushing back.
And unfortunately I can't hire help, and I have no family in the state....not his or mine.
I should sign this "Stuck".
Quoting atlmom2:
Most men don't want to.
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I've only got one child and I feel like i'm run ragged. You are a super mom and deserve some time to yourself, even if it's just a few hours.
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I can't read that without paragraphs and proper punctuation.
Judging by the title it's another 'my husband is a wonderful guy but he's so lazy and he won't help around the house' whine.
Then, I'm guessing there are replies that go along the lines of 'all men are like this and I don't know why'.
After that I'm sure there is a reply that says 'he wasn't always like this'.
Sit him down and tell him he needs to help out more. Then, sit yourself down and ask why you expected a guy to change even though there were signs you ignored.
Then, you might get your answer.
And, no, not all guys are like this.