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pll13
need some advice/opinions regarding ex-wife and kids situations
by pll13
January 18, 2013 at 10:49 PM

Ok here we go...My boyfriend and I were together about 9 years ago and we both fell in love. We broke up and we still saw each other but we were not really seeing anyone else. He ended up having a child with someone and they eventually got married. I did not communicate with him when he moved on and I went on my way. I never felt the same with anyone ever since. 3 years ago, my best friend and his best friend just so happen to run into each other and started talking about me and my boyfriend. I ended up getting a hold of him and we ended up reuniting and go back together. He filed for divorce, I moved in with him as well as my daughter. He now has 2 girls and I have 1 girl. we do not have any children together. I care for his kids the same as i care for mine. When he has the girls (he has them half the week), and if it happens to be me watching the kids for a little while he runs out, his girls will say things like, "my mommy says I don't have to listen to you," or recently its been, "my mommy says I have a rash because of your laundry detergent." I make my own laundry detergent and I have an 11 yr old and she has had allergic reactions, ecsema, and dry skin issues. I have worked in a hospital and been in college and I work in a pharmacy for 5 yrs and I work as an Ortho assistant. I know quite a bit of medical to know the difference between real and bogus. But its almost like the ex-wife says things to the kids to the point of where they say it to make sure it gets to me where they argue because that is what their mother says. She is not the brightest bulb out there, and her own family is not fond of her because she is know to make up stories and lie and can not keep a  story straight. She is also a money hungry and gets a big chunk of change for child support from my boyfriend. She does nothing but down everyone but herself. I take the kids out and buy them clothes and feed them homecooked meals. If i tell them something, they don't believe me, when it is the absolute fact about something, and the kids go "nuh uh!!" and I cant stand that. I never lie to the kids, or my own daughter. and everything I have said I always proved to them, every single one of them. But this ex-wife of his is absolutely disturbing. It's almost like she gets through the kids and when they come to me they say something to me and its very disturbing and upsetting and I feel one day I will blow up at her and its all coming out. What broke my heart was when my daughter came upstairs and told me (on Christmas eve) that his girls came from the mothers house and had nothing for my daughter because their 'mommy doesn't like her." Really? How cold can she be? it really upsets me and I would love to get married but I fear she will go after for more child support when we get married and go after my income too. I have my own to care for with no child support, but I work 2 jobs to give my daughter what she wants and needs, but I feel she would be a person to do that. What do I do? any suggestions?

Replies

  • Buggy979
    January 18, 2013 at 10:53 PM
    You will never be #1 their mom will be... Stop competing.. do thing with and for them while they are with you but you have to come to accept you are not mom...
  • pll13
    by pll13
    January 18, 2013 at 11:08 PM

    I am not looking to be their #1, I am just looking for respect as a mother figure. They say things that are very hurtful towards me and my daughter that they say, their mother says to them. I teach my child to always be nice to people whether you like them or not. But those kids are also learning to lie and is not right either. My bf does not like some things she does to the kids and brings back to us. She tells people that the kids look like welfare when they come from dads house, yet she taken our nice clothes, never returned it and then its lost and I have lost alot of his kids clothes due to the mom not returning it and doing whatever with it. she brings them over in sizes to small and than she says we make them look like welfare kids?! 

  • Karen_S
    by Karen_S
    January 18, 2013 at 11:15 PM

    OK, so you don't like the ex, and she doesn't like you. That's a story as old as time. Doesn't really matter who's right or wrong in that. The thing that matters is the kids.  What is best for them is if the adults in their life don't bring each other down. You can't control what she does. If you are trying, give up on making her see that she's in the wrong, 'cause it just isn't going to happen. Instead, be the bigger person. Don't criticize her in front of the kids, ever. Don't complain about her in front of the kids, ever.  Even if she can't do the same.  Because that's what's best for the kids.  

    And it's likely a bit much to expect your boyfriend's ex to buy your child presents, so in the futur maybe talk to your daughter ahead of time to prepare her expectations. 


  • Buggy979
    January 18, 2013 at 11:20 PM
    I get what you are saying with the no respect but I'm sorry it may not be what you like the kids will always side with BM.. yes, dad should say something but it seems like he just wants no drama... You will always be the other person and its hard to swallow but even though you are right its what bm says to be golden... Hopefully some day it changes but now you have to raise your kid your way and hope that his kids learn from it...
  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    January 18, 2013 at 11:22 PM

    Wait, you're kidding right? 

    Your husband left his ex-wife and kids for you, their lives were torn apart, you trash this woman who is the children's mother and the person they love most in the world,  (and please don't deny that--if you do it here to complete strangers, you're doing it in thought, word and energy with the kids), and you're disturbed and upset that they don't see you as a mother figure? Gimme a break. 


  • pll13
    by pll13
    January 18, 2013 at 11:25 PM

    Karen, the christmas gift thing was because the kids would bring something for my daughter in the past and this yr was that excuse and I told my daughter that she would have a nice christmas regardless. I personally was not expecting anything for my daughter from her but it was the kids told my daughter that she didn't get anything because their mom did not like my daughter. I never really had an issue with the ex until the kids started with they dont have to listen to me because I am nothing to them. I don't punish them unless it was an extreme situation. and I do a time out and dad takes control of that situation. We don't talk about their mom infront of them only because its not fair to the kids and its not their business. We keep that between us. Her kids have embarressed me in public with screaming that their dad doesn't give mommy any money, yet he pays over $200 weekly. Trying to control situations like this is not easy to control.

  • SpiderTresses
    January 18, 2013 at 11:29 PM
    What sucks is she'll always be this way and unfortunately there isn't much that can be done. My boyfriend has no kids with his ex but she tried to keep herself in his family like they did and she talked shit about me to everyone in his family to where it did get to the point to where I tolde her politely she needed to stop. She denied saying anything and said she liked me and bs bs bs bs bs. But then continued to talk crap knowing it gets back to us. Everyone will realize over time who she is but after dealing with someone like that just try and let it go because she will not change. Trust me. My boyfriends ex now has a baby, takes money from the baby daddy, works nights but sleeps all day while the child plays then after work at night goes out to drink while the baby daddy works all day then stays up to put his daughter to sleep, she spends all his money trying to get her child to model(1 yr old) and she oddly enough never has money for rent so he pays that too. People like that are always that way and I feel so bad because you are stuck with her like he is. We were very fortunate we could easily erase ours from our lives but I feel your pain as that type of person will suck all your will out of you sometimes. But I hope you can keep your head up and just do your part when they are with you. Just let them know that when they are in your house what their mother says is out the window and they need to listen to what you say.
  • pll13
    by pll13
    January 18, 2013 at 11:35 PM

    They were separated before we got back together. He always had the kids, his family cares for the kids. She was also dating someone who was around the girls and beating the mother in front of her own kids. woke the girls up at midnight to go searching for her druggy boyfriend and got into a car accident and totalled her car with the 2 kids in the back seat. She never told their own father his kids were in the er after the accident. He confronts her about situations when the kids mention things and she faces the kids and punishes them for 'lying" and he never knows the actual truth. The kids fear her and everyone sees that.

  • JTE11
    by JTE11
    January 19, 2013 at 12:04 AM

    The  thing is, if you stay with this man, you also get the ex-wife. Forever. This is the life you and you daughter will have, permanently. You can't control the ex, and she's probably not about to all of a sudden become a loving, giving person. It doesn't matter if she's behaving irrationally, you have to assume it will never end. After all, it seems he did leave her for you. Unless you want your daughter to grow up in this environment of feeling that people don't like her, it's probably best that you let him go. As for his daughters,  they don't have to listen to you or even be nice to you because they aren't related to you, they're just roommates really.  It's nice that you want to treat them nicely but they're under no obligation to return the favor. The simple fact is that you living withtheir dad doesn't make you family and they're not going to accpt you as family, especially with the ex talking to them as she does. This situation is more trouble than it's worth.

  • AM-BRAT
    by AM-BRAT
    January 19, 2013 at 12:17 AM
    Ya. That was their mommy and daddy. Gotta respect that.

    Your old feelings are valid but it's not the same anymore. There's years and baggage between you and it will never be the same.

    How I would love to some things again but I know better.

    Please move on before you have children together or come to grips as your status as NOT number one with this man. Bm is alpha imo.


    Quoting Lurion:

    Wait, you're kidding right? 

    Your husband left his ex-wife and kids for you, their lives were torn apart, you trash this woman who is the children's mother and the person they love most in the world,  (and please don't deny that--if you do it here to complete strangers, you're doing it in thought, word and energy with the kids), and you're disturbed and upset that they don't see you as a mother figure? Gimme a break. 



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