Advice for Moms

Gwendilla27
Dealing with role reversal stay at home dad working mom
January 18, 2013 at 12:42 AM

We are lucky really my husband is able t stay home and be with our newborn son. Of course this gender role reversal has its hardships. My husband doesn't seem to be able to multitask like I do so while I am at work the baby is being looked after but no chores (laundry, dinner, cleaning) is being done. When I try to bring this up my husband is just so overwhelmed he gets defensive and feels inadequate. I am working ten hour days when I come home I watch the baby I'm breast feeding so sleeping isn't happening and weekends I'm on baby duty too. Dinners have been either up to me to cook (he can't cook) and I'm exhausted. I just don't know how to make the situation better i am constantly on task work or home and my husband is constantly overwhelmed... Suggestions? 

Replies

  • heybooboo
    January 18, 2013 at 1:06 PM

    Ill be honest.  If he is going to be a SAHD then he needs to figure it out.  Sure he is overwhelmed, but that is not an excuse to get out of the duties that come with the position.

    That would be like if you went to work, and a task was too overwhelming so you dont do it.  What's gonna happen?  You will be fired.

    It may not happen all at once, and it may be a real challenge at the beginning.  BUT he needs to learn how to do these things.  Just like any SAHM would have to learn.

    Maybe sit down with him and come up with a routine that he can follow to help him get started.

  • notjstasocermom
    January 18, 2013 at 2:43 PM


    I agree with this. I don't think that just because he is a man he should get a free pass to sit on his butt all day

    Quoting heybooboo:

    Ill be honest.  If he is going to be a SAHD then he needs to figure it out.  Sure he is overwhelmed, but that is not an excuse to get out of the duties that come with the position.

    That would be like if you went to work, and a task was too overwhelming so you dont do it.  What's gonna happen?  You will be fired.

    It may not happen all at once, and it may be a real challenge at the beginning.  BUT he needs to learn how to do these things.  Just like any SAHM would have to learn.

    Maybe sit down with him and come up with a routine that he can follow to help him get started.



  • Bmat
    by Bmat
    January 18, 2013 at 4:17 PM

    It is hard to deal with a newborn. I suspect that your husband will get better as time goes on. Make sure that he feels comfortable with the housekeeping tasks, and don't expect him to do them to your standards, at this point anyway. Best of luck to you, and congratulations on your newborn!

  • OHgirlinCA
    January 18, 2013 at 4:23 PM

    When my husband was unemployed, he stayed home with our little guy.  I never had the issues you do because he's very good at chores and such, although I still did the cooking.  I think if you're patient, he'll figure it out on his own.  As long as he's trying, I wouldn't give him too much grief. 

  • AM-BRAT
    by AM-BRAT
    January 18, 2013 at 6:04 PM

    This is all great perspective and not all working parents give this thought to the sahp.

    OP- I have to wonder if the roles ever WERE 'traditional.' 

    If you two were once used to something else then the transition can be even more dificult.

    If this is all you've known since baby then setting good routines could really benefit the situation.

    Dads are not always perfect when kids are babies. I think in general it's harder for them to relate. They're bioligically not maternal. Or they would be women.  :)

    When I was a sahm DH did all he could to keep us finacially going, I did everything I could to make EVERYTHING else going lol.

    DH could NOT have done what I was doing, and vice versa.

    Now that we are both working full time and the kids are kids and not babies, we are totally equal in the house and life stuff. He works 4 tens and I work 3 twelves so I get it.

    Do as much as you can to keep meals going and the house but don't let it get to you if things aren't perfect. Easier said then done I know.  :)

    Maybe SMALL lists for him also. And sexual favors never hurt anyone. I like to call it 'keeping up moral' lmao. Never withold but a happy man is more pliable sometimes. (don't shoot just works for us!!)

    GL OP.  :))



    Quoting Bleacheddecay:

    1.) If you were staying home how would you feel about him judging you like you are him? I see this happen all the time. I think it's unfair. I know when I was staying home with my first child I was exhausted and depressed. I got very little done.

    2.) How do you expect him to cook if he doesn't know how. Teach him.

    3.) Spend a day showing him how you would manage, maybe you'll inspire him if you are helpful and nice about it.

    4.) Let it go and be glad at least one parent can stay home with your child.

    5.) Make sure your husband has some alone time, friend time and yes, date time with you. Otherwise you are likely to see someone who loses their identity and self worth.

    6.) Look for a part time job he can do when you are home. Idk why but just feeling like strangers value you can boost you up when you've been staying at home with the kids.



  • Gwendilla27
    January 19, 2013 at 8:39 PM

    Thanks everyone for the advise thanks to a three day weekend I'm going to give him all the recoup time he needs so we can approach the situation refreshed. I've began tackling the laundry pile, done the dishes, and watched the baby all day, now he will have a fresh start to begin helping a bit more when I'm at work. I'm trying to approach him without criticism I respect anyone who stays at home it's just as hard as working crazy hours. To be clear I've never told my husband that he needs to get on the chores but its become an issue because on the weekends it's up to me to catch up on it all. So the idea is to approach him in a way that doesn't diminish how difficult taking care of our baby is but helps start the process of sharing the load a bit more.

  • TexanMomOf6
    January 19, 2013 at 8:57 PM

    My DD and SIL do the same thing. It works out well. Their boys are 6.5 and 3.5yo now. DD is a teacher and SIL is now working part-time a couple evenings a week and Sundays. The boys really benefit from having a parent around all the time. They do have date night every couple weeks and the boys stay with me or another trusted person.

    You are very early in the game. I recommend you make a list TOGETHER, otherwise he might think you are trying to be HIS mom. lol.. Like any new thing, it will take a while to get a balance. Just keep a good attitude and work together.It gets better!

  • katiekiwi
    January 20, 2013 at 10:52 AM

    teach him how to use the crockpot!   When my husband would be on daddy duty all day i would give him a list of 3 things that needed to be done in the house.  If he got 1 of those things done id make a huge deal out of it for his "self-esteem"  hes gotten much better...actually he might be better than me haha.  Good luck!

  • workoutmom2b1g
    January 20, 2013 at 10:55 AM

    You are giving him way too many excuses!! 

    On the other hand, I will say it took me a few yrs to really get the hang of my SAHM job. I struggled at first and some days I don't get my list done. He is capable of cleaning, cooking, and child rearing! It's not easy, like so many people think, but I hope he finds his groove!! 

    My tips are, having him look at it like a business. He needs a routine. I do the same thing pretty much everyday. My whole day is planned to the minute some days. Are there any ECFE classes in your area?? Call your local school district. 

    Cleaning for me is done constantly.


    alos remind him, it's ok to let the baby cry sometimes when you really need to do something. Or I suggest having him invest in a baby carrier.

    menu planning as a family. Then he won't have to think about it, it's al ready for him to make. Also the crock pot can be his best friend!! Good luck Hun!! He can do it all, just like you can. Everyday is different, but it's doable even for a man :)

  • IndigoOwl
    January 20, 2013 at 10:58 AM
    He needs to figure it out and step it up. People jump all I over woman who stay at home. They claim they are lazy and do nothing all day. They claim it is their job to do all the house work and meals. Yet a man can't manage it and everyone feels bad for him and expects you to work and help him out. Fuck that.

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