ok so a little background...
I had my daughter very young. The father was a bit older than myself, and should have been more mature. Not the case. We stayed together until my daughter was 3 and I broke it off. I had matured and grown up a bit and realized that working fast food and watching him play Playststion was NOT how I Wanted to spend my life, I had goals.
He was a needy man, the type that was seriously emotionally unbalanced. I didn't realize this at the time, as i do now. But when I left him, he became unstable for sometime. Time went by, and we had no contact, after the initial arguements the first few months. I didn't even file for Child support until my daughter was 6. I never received a penny from him, never asked him for anything. Although, he has always lived within driving distance, mostly the same city as me, and my number is still the same. IF he wanted to see her, he knew where to find her. When she got old enough to ask questions, I answered them to the best of my ability. As the questions got harder, so did the answers. I finally broke out an album and explained the best way I knew possible without corrupting her. I had tried contacting him multiple times after this, trying to let him know that I would no longer keep lying for him, that if he didn't want to be her father, I Was going to tell her that. He was with a new woman, who had a child from a previous relationship. He actually filed a restraining order or whatever it is called on me, said I was harassing him ??? lmao. I only called twice before this. So I eventually gave up. When my daughter was 3, I also met a wonderful man, the man I am with today. He had no children and wasn't going to be able to have children. He was married for 10 years and having my daughter was a blessing to him. After a couple years, she started calling him daddy, on her own. I was not going to direct her otherwise, beings that her real daddy wanted nothing to do with her.
My husband has always been there for her like a dad, raised her and supported her right beside me. And she knew he was not her real father, but never bothered asking questions really.
My daughter is now 9. I get a phone call from "Bio dad"s mother lol stating that he was going through some terrible times and needed his daughter in his life!! Apparently his girlfriend had been in an accident and passed away. Now that he is alone and lonely he wants to barge back into my daughters life. She over heard a conversation my husband and I were having and asked me about it. After explaining, she declaired that she DID want to meet her real dad. It hurts my husbands feelings that I would even allow the topic to become a consideration or a conversation after raising her for 6 years and never once seeing her dad try to come into her life, now he wants to be a dad bc he has no one else in his life.
I done know what to do. I am lost. I feel like saying hell no! And at the same time do not want to hurt my daughter, who is old enough to know whats going on, for the most part...
Please ladies, any insight would be great!
by busymom64064January 7, 2013 at 10:29 AMThis! At least try. Maybe talk to a lawyer........I think in some states, I could be wrong, if a parent hasn't had contact in at least a year, the parent has no rights. Ask a lawyer though....
I think your daughter would up with resentment towards you if you dont let her meet him. :(
Honestly I would make him take you to court for visitation and ask the judge for the first couple visits to happen at a therapist office. That way your making sure he has good intentions.
It in the long run could do more harm to your DD if he comes back into her life for few months and then when he doesn't "need her" anymore, skips town again.
January 7, 2013 at 10:35 AMThat's tough, my brother has a dd in AZ (we are in michigan) and he doesn't know her but he does pay child support. I pray that when he grows up, his daughters mom will let him know her. That's why people shouldn't have babies before they are grown, sometimes they aren't ready but realize their mistakes when they are older..good luck, it's a bad situation right now but could actually turn out good.
by jesuschild06January 7, 2013 at 10:38 AMi agree. She needs to meet him now that she has a chance. What you could do though is talk to a lawyer and see if it could be a supervised visit somehow. Not sure exactly how that works but would not hurt to ask. She probably has been wanting to meet him, hence the questions, and you need to explain to your husband that this has nothing to do with going against him. Your daughter loves him... But even those who were adopted at birth into an amaizing family at some point (not all but a lot) still would take the chance to meet their birth parents when/if it was given.
January 7, 2013 at 10:39 AMWow I'm in a very similar boat as u except my dds bio dad wasn't there really at all, got into drugs, I met dh wen she was 10months and she doesn't even know dh isn't her bio dad
However her bio dad who has a son with another girl another ex now, does not want to be in her life, shes 8 now
My dh plans on legally adopting her and she already has his last name sooo I don't even plan on telling her about bio dad, for sake that in afraid she will be so hurt that he had nothing to do with her but raises his ds, mainly bc his ds mom is a piece of sh*t who doesn't have custody of her older son and rarely sees this other son
Anyway I don't have much advise but if he can't stay in her life then I think it would be more heart ache then anything to have her build a relationship with him only to have him leave again and possibly repeatedly hurt her
by KailesMommyJanuary 7, 2013 at 10:41 AMIt happened to me. My mom was with a druggy and she left him when i was a year old she met someone else and married him. Although they didnt have intentions on telling me that my step dad was not my real dad. I found out by my step dads family. I wanted to meet my bio dad too bc i wanted to see how he was and what he was. It was something that i needed to see. Even thou my mom told me everything about him i still wanted to ask questions like why he couldnt give up drugs and why he didnt want me or fight for me. He told me the truth. And yes i am still in contact with him, but nothing more than a phone call or email maybe every 3 to 6 months. Let her see him and ask questions. Of course dont leave them alone but give them space to talk with out you butting in. Your hubby, yes it does hurt but he needs to see that that man is a part of her and she may resent your hubby and you if you dont do this and also she could end up resenting her bio depending on what he says. But i would for sure make her understand that
by RefurbishedJanuary 7, 2013 at 10:43 AM
Don't punish the child for wanting to know who her parent is. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty or that she is somehow betraying your husband by wanting to know her father.
You can't reassign her parentage. Sure, her dad is a really shitty parent. But he's still her father. If she is curious, wants to meet him, let her do it. If you give her a guilt trip about betraying your husband, she will resent you both.
She has the right to meet her bio dad. That's the simple answer.
It's complicated by emotions on all sides, but the simple answer still remains. If he's not a good influence, keep the meetings supervised and short (an hour or two at a time). But she has the right to have a relationship with her dad.