Advice for Moms

buttersworth
Preschool Bully, Best Friend's Kid, what to do?????
January 4, 2013 at 9:05 AM

I'm sympathetic to my friend having trouble potty training her son but I don't really appreciate her last tactic although it worked (for her). She told her son if he did not use the potty she would give his toys to my son!

She told me in an almost an apologetic way while giving me unsolicited assurances that this would not affect their friendship. I wasn't so sure but didn't say anything at the time.

Yesterday my two boys had a playdate at her house. My younger son picked up a toy and her son immediately grabbed it out of his hands in a rough way, then continued to play with my other son. Her son did this all throughout the playdate, plus pushed my younger son several times. (Her son is over 3, my sons are almost 3 and almost 2 - it's my 2 yr old he's pushy with).

When his mom saw him she corrected him but there were times she didn't see, that I saw. I would say things like "Oh, honey, that isn't nice" because I don't want to admonish someone else's kid - but I had to because this happened when she was out of the room at times.

My friend is really nice. I've known her for about 10 years. Her daughter is very mild and well behaved. She reprimands her son's roughness, but she doesn't see it all while she's talking to me, and also, she thinks he just doesn't know not to be too rough with a younger boy. BUT, her son doesn't act like this with my older son that is closer to his age - doesn't try rough-housing with him. It looks to me suspiciously just kinda bratty.

To my eyes, he is being a bully and this is difficult because essentially I'm sure he's a good boy, but I can see it's hurting my younger son's feelings. He doesn't even get excited to go to his house like my older son. In fact, over the summer my younger son fell and got a bloody nose from it, and I wasn't sure from my vantage point if that was just an accident or if her son nearby had pushed him.

I'm not sure if I should say anything, just watch out while I'm there, avoid playdates, or what. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings but sons are more important. I think her tactic - if it didn't create this situation- exacerbated it.

I'm close to the mother and they are already anticipating coming to the boys birthday party next month. My boys birthdays are so close I'm havng a combined party and all I can think is, gee, my poor younger son is going to have this bratty kid bothering him at his own birthday! THat is, unless he behaves differently wth more people around.

Should I tell her in some nice quiet way that I think her son resents mine because she told him she'd give him his toys if he didn't use the potty? What would you do?

 

Replies

  • Aurora-Dove
    January 5, 2013 at 9:57 AM

    wow, that wasn't very nice o her to use your sons name as a threat, but I don't think that's the cause of the other little boy being mean to your son since it seemed to be happening way before the incident. It is probably just jealousy, My DS sometimes gets like that when other kids around his big sister. My son isn't even 2 years old yet so I doubt he's being "bratty" perhaps he's jealous because your son is the youngest and seems to take the attention away from him when he's there.

  • StrawberryCool
    January 5, 2013 at 11:08 AM


    Quoting New.OrleansLady:


    Quoting StrawberryCool:


    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 


    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

    if he is in my home and not listening then he goes in time out, that simple. 

    you are in my home, you listen to my rules....it's not that hard. 

    so if i am telling him to clean the toys up that he dug out and he doesn't, then time out it is. 

    they punish at school.

  • New.OrleansLady
    January 5, 2013 at 1:56 PM
    Touchy topic ... IMO it's different at school for the teacher than for you to do it. You put her in time out then put her back. If I came to a home that my child was at and she was in timeout and crying I wouldn't be happy either. I think punishment should have been left for the parents. She didnt pick up. It's not like she hit someone or cussed someone. Maybe at her house she doesn't have to pick up. I think you were out of line punishing her twice.


    Quoting StrawberryCool:



    Quoting New.OrleansLady:



    Quoting StrawberryCool:



    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 





    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

    if he is in my home and not listening then he goes in time out, that simple. 

    you are in my home, you listen to my rules....it's not that hard. 

    so if i am telling him to clean the toys up that he dug out and he doesn't, then time out it is. 

    they punish at school.


  • StrawberryCool
    January 5, 2013 at 2:31 PM
    Oh well.

    When in my home you listen to my rules.

    Time out wont damage the child.


    Quoting New.OrleansLady:

    Touchy topic ... IMO it's different at school for the teacher than for you to do it. You put her in time out then put her back. If I came to a home that my child was at and she was in timeout and crying I wouldn't be happy either. I think punishment should have been left for the parents. She didnt pick up. It's not like she hit someone or cussed someone. Maybe at her house she doesn't have to pick up. I think you were out of line punishing her twice.




    Quoting StrawberryCool:




    Quoting New.OrleansLady:




    Quoting StrawberryCool:




    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 








    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

    if he is in my home and not listening then he goes in time out, that simple. 

    you are in my home, you listen to my rules....it's not that hard. 

    so if i am telling him to clean the toys up that he dug out and he doesn't, then time out it is. 

    they punish at school.



  • MeghMirab
    January 5, 2013 at 3:52 PM

    Little boys and toddlers ingeneral can play rough. If your friends son is not around younger kids often he doesn't know how to act around them. No pushing, have to be a lot more gentle, sharing is an issue, etc. A way I think could help would be to have them around eachother more. Play with them instead of observing so when something happens right away you can comment on it and remind him "he's just a little guy" or "he's not as strong as you are yet."

    Have them play with a group toy that they have to work together on, getting everyone involved. Like blocks, setting up towers and building things. So they learn about working as a team. Your 3 year old would be a great teacher in this instance since he is a pro at being around your 2 year old. (: Telling a mom that you don't like the way her sons acting would most likely put her defenses up. But you have 110% every right to protect your child. That's your job. I hope an easier solution presents itself. Good luck! 

  • New.OrleansLady
    January 5, 2013 at 3:53 PM

    My point being. Time out once was enough. Your home not your child. IMO. Hope you have a beautiful day. 

    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    Oh well.

    When in my home you listen to my rules.

    Time out wont damage the child.


    Quoting New.OrleansLady:

    Touchy topic ... IMO it's different at school for the teacher than for you to do it. You put her in time out then put her back. If I came to a home that my child was at and she was in timeout and crying I wouldn't be happy either. I think punishment should have been left for the parents. She didnt pick up. It's not like she hit someone or cussed someone. Maybe at her house she doesn't have to pick up. I think you were out of line punishing her twice.




    Quoting StrawberryCool:




    Quoting New.OrleansLady:




    Quoting StrawberryCool:




    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 








    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

    if he is in my home and not listening then he goes in time out, that simple. 

    you are in my home, you listen to my rules....it's not that hard. 

    so if i am telling him to clean the toys up that he dug out and he doesn't, then time out it is. 

    they punish at school.




  • tyfry7496
    January 5, 2013 at 3:59 PM
    It is normal behavior but it still needs to be addressed. First, your friend was wrong to threaten that. Her son is not being a bully, he's protecting what's his from being taken away.

    If your good friends with her just tell her your opinion. Also, don't stop play dates as it punishes all the kids.


    Quoting savingtheworld:

    Agree! I'm no expert but I do believe that's how all 2 an 3 yo acts! Stop taking it personally..




    Quoting Mena929:

    I think it is normal behavior. He is pushing your younger kid because he is bigger. Lots of toddlers do this in my experience.


  • StrawberryCool
    January 5, 2013 at 4:23 PM
    No it wasnt enough.

    She still didnt clean up so she went back in time out.

    Again, in my home my rules.

    Dont like it dont bring your child to me.


    Quoting New.OrleansLady:

    My point being. Time out once was enough. Your home not your child. IMO. Hope you have a beautiful day. 


    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    Oh well.



    When in my home you listen to my rules.



    Time out wont damage the child.





    Quoting New.OrleansLady:

    Touchy topic ... IMO it's different at school for the teacher than for you to do it. You put her in time out then put her back. If I came to a home that my child was at and she was in timeout and crying I wouldn't be happy either. I think punishment should have been left for the parents. She didnt pick up. It's not like she hit someone or cussed someone. Maybe at her house she doesn't have to pick up. I think you were out of line punishing her twice.







    Quoting StrawberryCool:





    Quoting New.OrleansLady:





    Quoting StrawberryCool:





    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 











    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

    if he is in my home and not listening then he goes in time out, that simple. 

    you are in my home, you listen to my rules....it's not that hard. 

    so if i am telling him to clean the toys up that he dug out and he doesn't, then time out it is. 

    they punish at school.







  • AM-BRAT
    by AM-BRAT
    January 5, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    This.   :)

    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that is misbehaving in your home.


  • Nenasam
    by Nenasam
    January 5, 2013 at 9:44 PM
    Quoting LucyHarper:

    What he's doing isn't nice, but he's a three year old afraid of losing his toys, he's not a bully. I would tell her that until she corrects the behavior and tells him that shes not giving his toys away and to be nice to him or he will be punished, they can't have playdates anymore.






    I agreed with this !!

Advice for Moms