Advice for Moms

buttersworth
Preschool Bully, Best Friend's Kid, what to do?????
January 4, 2013 at 9:05 AM

I'm sympathetic to my friend having trouble potty training her son but I don't really appreciate her last tactic although it worked (for her). She told her son if he did not use the potty she would give his toys to my son!

She told me in an almost an apologetic way while giving me unsolicited assurances that this would not affect their friendship. I wasn't so sure but didn't say anything at the time.

Yesterday my two boys had a playdate at her house. My younger son picked up a toy and her son immediately grabbed it out of his hands in a rough way, then continued to play with my other son. Her son did this all throughout the playdate, plus pushed my younger son several times. (Her son is over 3, my sons are almost 3 and almost 2 - it's my 2 yr old he's pushy with).

When his mom saw him she corrected him but there were times she didn't see, that I saw. I would say things like "Oh, honey, that isn't nice" because I don't want to admonish someone else's kid - but I had to because this happened when she was out of the room at times.

My friend is really nice. I've known her for about 10 years. Her daughter is very mild and well behaved. She reprimands her son's roughness, but she doesn't see it all while she's talking to me, and also, she thinks he just doesn't know not to be too rough with a younger boy. BUT, her son doesn't act like this with my older son that is closer to his age - doesn't try rough-housing with him. It looks to me suspiciously just kinda bratty.

To my eyes, he is being a bully and this is difficult because essentially I'm sure he's a good boy, but I can see it's hurting my younger son's feelings. He doesn't even get excited to go to his house like my older son. In fact, over the summer my younger son fell and got a bloody nose from it, and I wasn't sure from my vantage point if that was just an accident or if her son nearby had pushed him.

I'm not sure if I should say anything, just watch out while I'm there, avoid playdates, or what. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings but sons are more important. I think her tactic - if it didn't create this situation- exacerbated it.

I'm close to the mother and they are already anticipating coming to the boys birthday party next month. My boys birthdays are so close I'm havng a combined party and all I can think is, gee, my poor younger son is going to have this bratty kid bothering him at his own birthday! THat is, unless he behaves differently wth more people around.

Should I tell her in some nice quiet way that I think her son resents mine because she told him she'd give him his toys if he didn't use the potty? What would you do?

 

Replies

  • StrawberryCool
    January 4, 2013 at 9:39 PM
    Yup.

    My bff and I have an agreement

    When we have each others kids we are allowed to punish.

    My bff kid tries to act up even while her mom is here I look and go

    "Kenz you know better, you dont act like that when mom isnt here so dont just cuz she is."


    Quoting Proud-mama-05:

    Haha me either. I have a very high tolerance level for the things my kids do (they're very well behaved but they're rambunctious kids lol) but I have low level of patients for others children especially those of parents who have different behavior standards for their kids..aka none

    I don't ask much but if your going to bring YOUR CHILD into MY HOUSE then I expect you to control their behavior (as in don't let them be terrors and disrespectful to my home and children) I will not let a child get away with something in my house I wouldn't let my own children do just because their parents are ok with said behavior. If they won't correct them I WILL and if they don't like it don't bring your brat to my house




    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    Weve not had her since.





    I dont care.





    Im not that difficult of a babysitter, just leave me wipes and diapers if still in diapers, I dont care if you are semi potty trained. I charge at least 20$ each time I babysit.





    And follow my rules.





    Addison has to follow them. So do you.





    This is why I dont run an at home day care.





    I cant handle other peoples kids.






    Quoting Proud-mama-05:

    At that point I would have told the dad where to shove it and not to ask me to watch your bratty ass kid again. That's obviously why she's like that because heaven forbid poor princess has to sit down in time out for not following a simple rule. It's not like you spanked her








    Quoting StrawberryCool:






    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 





  • GUTTADABOSSLADI
    January 4, 2013 at 11:28 PM

    Yes, Let her know that you think that what she said has caused a problem because you have been noticing things at the playdate that she hasn't and maybe slow down on the playdates until her son gets better.

  • HisMommy4Ever
    January 5, 2013 at 12:03 AM

    Oh wow I know how you feel.....my son's cousins are like that with him and it's the reason they don't even play together. My SIL has 4 kids but the 2 small ones are the ones that are little brats with my son. One is almost 4 and the other one is 2 or 3. My son is 3 so they're around the same age. The 2yr old is the one that I feel that he literary hates my kid. My son can't even get near him cuz he'll push him. I never knew I could dislike 2toddlers so much. Seriously....that's how bad it is. They have pushed my son...hit him...kicked him....they're ALWAYS selfish with him. (VERY SELFISH)...and I don't know where they have learned to blame my son for things that he hasn't done. I don't let my son play with them ANY MORE....AT ALL. I honestly don't give a damn anymore if they are "family"....I don't want kids treating my son like that....so that's how it is...and maybe you should talk to your friend............

  • ms-superwoman
    January 5, 2013 at 2:12 AM

    A toddler that doesn't want to share toys isn't a shocker, sounds completely normal to me. Also, little boys being rough isn't nothing to bat your eyes at. Just continue to correct the behavior.

  • BusyMommyTorrez
    January 5, 2013 at 7:38 AM

    I definitely would talk to her asap! Bc long time friend or not if someone or someone's child is messing w/ mine we're going to have some serious issues. Especially, if I thought for 1 second that they could be responsible for an injury, not to mention 1 like that & to such a young child like yours who has no fault in the matter except trying to be social. If she is a true friend she'll understand & appreciate the fact you came to her so that she could correct the situation. Ugh! I'm so heated just thinking about your situation. Best of luck!

  • BusyMommyTorrez
    January 5, 2013 at 7:51 AM

    Not true. That's parenting for you. I have 2 boys: oldest is 2 1/2yrs old & youngest is only 2 1/2months old. My oldest has always been taught to be kind, courteous, & share w/ others, especially if they are smaller/younger than him. he was an only child for a couple yrs & only grandchild who is spoiled rotten & has hardly ever had children his own age around him or children of any age for that matter & he doesn't beat up on other children or not share his things w/ them even though most ppl would think that, that would have made him a huge brat or horrible bully w/ other children. So, just saying, that is not typical little boy behavior; that is typical bad parenting or neglegance on the parents part and shouldn't be encouraged or overlooked.

  • westtxmomtobe
    January 5, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    I'm not sure what advice to give, I have almost no kiddo experience. My only bio is 8 weeks, but I have a 4 yo foster son, and 9 and 11 steps. They all have only lived with us a little under a year. Maybe my 4 yo isn't typical, idk, but I don't think he'd honestly remember for very long if I had ever said something like what your friend had. I AM NOT saying what she did is jelly, cause imo it's completely wrong and kinda a dumb move. I don't know about the rough play either. My little guy is a total pushover, ridiculously good at sharing (ridiculously because the other kids have learned to just TAKE what he has because he won't fight back). In the same breath though he has serious aggression issues. Could be normal for that age but idk because of his unfortunate history. But he has jabbed the 11 yo stepson in the eye with a broken plastic hanger, he's smacked the baby in the head with a plushie rattle, etc. So he can be mean too.

    As far as what I'd do in this situation...My friends don't rate where my children do, and I'd run the risk of hurting someone's feelings rather than let one of my children suffer. I'd tell her, "I don't like you telling your son that mine woul get his toys if he doesn't use the potty. That wasn't fair to my son. Though you don't always see it, I try to watch closely. Your son gets rough with mine and I just don't want my son to get hurt. I don't want to hurt your feelings, friend, but can we please try to figure something out so all the boys have fun and I don't have to worry so much?"  What's the worst that could happen? Your friend gets mad? Shame on her for getting mad over you being concerned about your kids. I bet she doesn't realize it is what it is and you guys figure it all out. I think a time out every time the little guy gets mean is completely acceptable until he figures out to stop being so mean and rough. Seems to work pretty well in our house with our little guy. (yup the aggression is dwindling!)

  • supercarp
    January 5, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    She is a nut. Fear of punishment is not the way to toilet train. Reward is the thing. To get your son involved was pure stupidity on her part. Watch out for her, she is not playing with a full deck.

  • Queen_Sheila
    January 5, 2013 at 9:22 AM

    I think you need to talk to her and she needs to talk to her son. If she was going to use that tactic, she shouldn't have said she was going to give the toys to any one's kid that she knew, she should have just said that she would give them away. It's not a good tactic to begin with, I think rewarding good behavior works better than empty threats.

  • New.OrleansLady
    January 5, 2013 at 9:32 AM


    Quoting StrawberryCool:


    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 


    I would be ok with you correcting but not punishing my son. You can tell him no and not to do it but its not your place to enforce discipline. 

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