Advice for Moms

buttersworth
Preschool Bully, Best Friend's Kid, what to do?????
January 4, 2013 at 9:05 AM

I'm sympathetic to my friend having trouble potty training her son but I don't really appreciate her last tactic although it worked (for her). She told her son if he did not use the potty she would give his toys to my son!

She told me in an almost an apologetic way while giving me unsolicited assurances that this would not affect their friendship. I wasn't so sure but didn't say anything at the time.

Yesterday my two boys had a playdate at her house. My younger son picked up a toy and her son immediately grabbed it out of his hands in a rough way, then continued to play with my other son. Her son did this all throughout the playdate, plus pushed my younger son several times. (Her son is over 3, my sons are almost 3 and almost 2 - it's my 2 yr old he's pushy with).

When his mom saw him she corrected him but there were times she didn't see, that I saw. I would say things like "Oh, honey, that isn't nice" because I don't want to admonish someone else's kid - but I had to because this happened when she was out of the room at times.

My friend is really nice. I've known her for about 10 years. Her daughter is very mild and well behaved. She reprimands her son's roughness, but she doesn't see it all while she's talking to me, and also, she thinks he just doesn't know not to be too rough with a younger boy. BUT, her son doesn't act like this with my older son that is closer to his age - doesn't try rough-housing with him. It looks to me suspiciously just kinda bratty.

To my eyes, he is being a bully and this is difficult because essentially I'm sure he's a good boy, but I can see it's hurting my younger son's feelings. He doesn't even get excited to go to his house like my older son. In fact, over the summer my younger son fell and got a bloody nose from it, and I wasn't sure from my vantage point if that was just an accident or if her son nearby had pushed him.

I'm not sure if I should say anything, just watch out while I'm there, avoid playdates, or what. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings but sons are more important. I think her tactic - if it didn't create this situation- exacerbated it.

I'm close to the mother and they are already anticipating coming to the boys birthday party next month. My boys birthdays are so close I'm havng a combined party and all I can think is, gee, my poor younger son is going to have this bratty kid bothering him at his own birthday! THat is, unless he behaves differently wth more people around.

Should I tell her in some nice quiet way that I think her son resents mine because she told him she'd give him his toys if he didn't use the potty? What would you do?

 

Replies

  • Molly2u
    by Molly2u
    January 4, 2013 at 7:31 PM


    I think you are over reacting. Don't label this three year as a bully please. This is very normal behavior. Wait till your son does just this. Would you be calling him a bully? Sometime parents don't use the right words. Speak to the mothers choices of words if this matters to you so much. Mom and kids are humans and we all make mistakes. Don't get surprise your little son will do the same to the next little kid in no time.

     I bet you this little 3 year old has forgotten about his mother saying she will give his toys to your son. 

  • Carmen_CO
    January 4, 2013 at 8:07 PM
    Giving positive rewards works so much better for potty training. Negative reinforcements are for negative behavior. Your friend is probably a good mother, but this may he a lesson she should learn to help her with her kids.
  • grnsmomma
    January 4, 2013 at 8:08 PM


    Quoting Mommy4000:

    I would flat out tell her. It seems like you two are pretty close, 10 years is a long friendship. My friends and I have a pretty good understanding that we wont "nice" things up for each other. If my friend's kid is acting like a brat, I feel comfortable saying, "J, your kid is in brat mode again". I mean, maybe you don't feel comfortable going that far, but I don't think it would hurt to just work it into the conversation like, "hey, do you think he's being rougher with "younger son" because he's afraid he's going to lose his toys to him?" It might, at the least, make her more aware of his behavior and pay closer attention.

    I agree with that, point out that he is being meaner to your younger child.  She may not realize it's just towards one child and not both.

  • RetiredUSAFWife
    January 4, 2013 at 8:32 PM

    I wouldn't dwell on the situation at hand. All children have their off days. Sometimes to the point of hitting one another or pushing biting or whatever else they do to get attention. Three years olds, in my opinion are still a little young, and they're Probably not able to understand as well as a four or six year old would, about hurting each other. I'd let it go, children easily forget from one minute to the next, the fights and disagreements they might have, and will be best friends one minute and enemies the next. In reality, we should take a good look at our children's behaviour and learn something from our own experience. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should put up with kids fighting, no that's not it. But if you watch them closely for a few hours, and let them "fight" their own battles, with your supervision of course, you might see that they handle each situation well, and perhaps even better than we as adults could. I've seen it first hand with my own children, and my grandchildren, they're like rubber balls, they always bounce back.
    If we, as adults bickered at every little thing, we could become like the children LOL. Seriously though, sometimes it's better to let the children fight their own battles, as long as there is no blood drawn or getting completely out of line, let your children deal with their situation themselves. You may be surprised.

  • Junior01a
    January 4, 2013 at 9:10 PM
    I agree that you should back off on the play dates for a few weeks. Out of site, out of mind.

    Let this kid feel secure with his potty training and that his toys aren't being taken away.

    If u have to see them, meet them at a park or playground.

    Also, in my opinion, playdates are OVER RATED!
  • Mimihh213
    January 4, 2013 at 9:12 PM
    I think the nice version of this is perfect!


    Quoting Mommy4000:

    I would flat out tell her. It seems like you two are pretty close, 10 years is a long friendship. My friends and I have a pretty good understanding that we wont "nice" things up for each other. If my friend's kid is acting like a brat, I feel comfortable saying, "J, your kid is in brat mode again". I mean, maybe you don't feel comfortable going that far, but I don't think it would hurt to just work it into the conversation like, "hey, do you think he's being rougher with "younger son" because he's afraid he's going to lose his toys to him?" It might, at the least, make her more aware of his behavior and pay closer attention.


  • SuperWoman8
    January 4, 2013 at 9:21 PM

    do you think it would be that bad if you told her the truth?


  • Proud-mama-05
    January 4, 2013 at 9:22 PM
    At that point I would have told the dad where to shove it and not to ask me to watch your bratty ass kid again. That's obviously why she's like that because heaven forbid poor princess has to sit down in time out for not following a simple rule. It's not like you spanked her


    Quoting StrawberryCool:



    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 


  • StrawberryCool
    January 4, 2013 at 9:25 PM
    Weve not had her since.

    I dont care.

    Im not that difficult of a babysitter, just leave me wipes and diapers if still in diapers, I dont care if you are semi potty trained. I charge at least 20$ each time I babysit.

    And follow my rules.

    Addison has to follow them. So do you.

    This is why I dont run an at home day care.

    I cant handle other peoples kids.


    Quoting Proud-mama-05:

    At that point I would have told the dad where to shove it and not to ask me to watch your bratty ass kid again. That's obviously why she's like that because heaven forbid poor princess has to sit down in time out for not following a simple rule. It's not like you spanked her




    Quoting StrawberryCool:




    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 



  • Proud-mama-05
    January 4, 2013 at 9:36 PM
    Haha me either. I have a very high tolerance level for the things my kids do (they're very well behaved but they're rambunctious kids lol) but I have low level of patients for others children especially those of parents who have different behavior standards for their kids..aka none
    I don't ask much but if your going to bring YOUR CHILD into MY HOUSE then I expect you to control their behavior (as in don't let them be terrors and disrespectful to my home and children) I will not let a child get away with something in my house I wouldn't let my own children do just because their parents are ok with said behavior. If they won't correct them I WILL and if they don't like it don't bring your brat to my house


    Quoting StrawberryCool:

    Weve not had her since.



    I dont care.



    Im not that difficult of a babysitter, just leave me wipes and diapers if still in diapers, I dont care if you are semi potty trained. I charge at least 20$ each time I babysit.



    And follow my rules.



    Addison has to follow them. So do you.



    This is why I dont run an at home day care.



    I cant handle other peoples kids.




    Quoting Proud-mama-05:

    At that point I would have told the dad where to shove it and not to ask me to watch your bratty ass kid again. That's obviously why she's like that because heaven forbid poor princess has to sit down in time out for not following a simple rule. It's not like you spanked her






    Quoting StrawberryCool:





    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 




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