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buttersworth
Preschool Bully, Best Friend's Kid, what to do?????
January 4, 2013 at 9:05 AM

I'm sympathetic to my friend having trouble potty training her son but I don't really appreciate her last tactic although it worked (for her). She told her son if he did not use the potty she would give his toys to my son!

She told me in an almost an apologetic way while giving me unsolicited assurances that this would not affect their friendship. I wasn't so sure but didn't say anything at the time.

Yesterday my two boys had a playdate at her house. My younger son picked up a toy and her son immediately grabbed it out of his hands in a rough way, then continued to play with my other son. Her son did this all throughout the playdate, plus pushed my younger son several times. (Her son is over 3, my sons are almost 3 and almost 2 - it's my 2 yr old he's pushy with).

When his mom saw him she corrected him but there were times she didn't see, that I saw. I would say things like "Oh, honey, that isn't nice" because I don't want to admonish someone else's kid - but I had to because this happened when she was out of the room at times.

My friend is really nice. I've known her for about 10 years. Her daughter is very mild and well behaved. She reprimands her son's roughness, but she doesn't see it all while she's talking to me, and also, she thinks he just doesn't know not to be too rough with a younger boy. BUT, her son doesn't act like this with my older son that is closer to his age - doesn't try rough-housing with him. It looks to me suspiciously just kinda bratty.

To my eyes, he is being a bully and this is difficult because essentially I'm sure he's a good boy, but I can see it's hurting my younger son's feelings. He doesn't even get excited to go to his house like my older son. In fact, over the summer my younger son fell and got a bloody nose from it, and I wasn't sure from my vantage point if that was just an accident or if her son nearby had pushed him.

I'm not sure if I should say anything, just watch out while I'm there, avoid playdates, or what. I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings but sons are more important. I think her tactic - if it didn't create this situation- exacerbated it.

I'm close to the mother and they are already anticipating coming to the boys birthday party next month. My boys birthdays are so close I'm havng a combined party and all I can think is, gee, my poor younger son is going to have this bratty kid bothering him at his own birthday! THat is, unless he behaves differently wth more people around.

Should I tell her in some nice quiet way that I think her son resents mine because she told him she'd give him his toys if he didn't use the potty? What would you do?

 

Replies

  • lucky2Beeme
    January 4, 2013 at 9:12 AM

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that is misbehaving in your home.

  • LucyHarper
    January 4, 2013 at 1:09 PM

    What he's doing isn't nice, but he's a three year old afraid of losing his toys, he's not a bully. I would tell her that until she corrects the behavior and tells him that shes not giving his toys away and to be nice to him or he will be punished, they can't have playdates anymore.

  • cjsmom1
    by cjsmom1
    January 4, 2013 at 1:09 PM

    That was an awful thing for your friend to tell her son. I have threatened to donate his toys if he didn't put them away but always to strangers. While kids that age do things like that it sounds like your friend made the situation worse. If you bring your kids to her house they definitely need to be watched closely. I think eventually her son will get over it.

  • StrawberryCool
    January 4, 2013 at 1:17 PM


    Quoting lucky2Beeme:

    Back off the play dates for awhile. When she asks whats going on tell her your 2 yr old isn't having much fun when you have play dates.That you want him to have fun which is the whole point of getting the kids together. Have  other plans for your kids when she calls.

    As far as the birthday party, you correct any child that eths misbehaving in your home. 

    that can go two ways.

    i sat a little girl on time out the last time she was at my house. she tore out all of addisons thomas tracks, and i knew it was her because addison only plays with them when other kids are here. 

    little girl didn't want to clean them up, so i placed her in time out, told her, when she was done crying and ready to help clean up, then she can get up...i asked her two minutes later, she said she was ready. 

    she got up and didn't start to clean up, i placed her right back in time out, was there when her dad came 20 minutes later, and we got yelled at. 

    addison knows that you clean up when you get something out, so while yes her toy room is messy, it's managable and she knows where everything is. 

    but while you are in my home you will listen to my rules. 

  • blue_apalt
    January 4, 2013 at 1:20 PM

    Did this JUST start after the potty training thing?  Honestly, it sounds like normal behavior for a lot of little boys that age. I have 3 girls and a few girl friends who have sons right about their ages.  The boys the same ages play well (crazy rough, but well), the boys who are younger get picked on as do that girls.   My two good friends w/ boys sons were bullies for a while to the girls/younger boys.  The one is 4.5 and the other is just 4.  The just 4 yr old is better then the other and always has been, but the 4.5 yr old is just finally out growing the picking on, and the 4 yr old is doing better then he was at 3.  I wouldn't honestly chalk this up to a stage/age thing then the potty training.

  • butterflycircle
    January 4, 2013 at 1:31 PM

    I agree. I have told my kids the same thing when they don't want to clean their toys up, but always to donate them, not give them to like their aunt or cousin who is the same age. I don't even like to give them clothes that my daughter has out grown if it is something that she really liked. 

    I think that  you should watch the kids closely when with her and eventually i think her son will grow out of it. If it keeps happening mention it to her that maybe he resents your son b/c he thinks that your son is going to get his toys. 

    Quoting cjsmom1:

    That was an awful thing for your friend to tell her son. I have threatened to donate his toys if he didn't put them away but always to strangers. While kids that age do things like that it sounds like your friend made the situation worse. If you bring your kids to her house they definitely need to be watched closely. I think eventually her son will get over it.


  • Jadegirl1819
    January 4, 2013 at 1:34 PM

    He is 3 and the bigger kid so he is taking advantage of it and being pushy and selfish.  If it was a close friend of mine I would stop the behavior when she is out of the room and mention it when she got back in.  If she doesn't see it and you don't tell her how is she supposed to know it happens as much as it does. 

    I admit though, I stopped having playdates with my best friend and her kids because I don't care for their behavior.  It was awkward at first but now that our kids are in school we just meet for brunch or lunch.  Much less stressful.

  • Mommy4000
    January 4, 2013 at 1:35 PM

    I would flat out tell her. It seems like you two are pretty close, 10 years is a long friendship. My friends and I have a pretty good understanding that we wont "nice" things up for each other. If my friend's kid is acting like a brat, I feel comfortable saying, "J, your kid is in brat mode again". I mean, maybe you don't feel comfortable going that far, but I don't think it would hurt to just work it into the conversation like, "hey, do you think he's being rougher with "younger son" because he's afraid he's going to lose his toys to him?" It might, at the least, make her more aware of his behavior and pay closer attention.

  • LiliMama18
    January 4, 2013 at 1:49 PM
    If you are close with the mom there is no reason on earth you should feel awkward saying "what's up with Johnny? He's been being a little rough lately with Timmy?"
    You said the mom herself admonishes him when she sees it happen, it's just when she doesn't see it that she doesn't say it.
    If we're talking about a 2 year old and a 3 year old, they're still at the age where they need a constant reminder to stop doing bad things. I also would not be shy about correcting him if mom doesn't see it.
    I can say with 100% certainty that if my daughter was acting that way to a friends younger sibling I would have absolutely positively NO issue whatsoever if my friends mother said sharply "hey! We don't take toys/shove/etc!"
    I'd actually PREFER that the other mom would do that as opposed to letting it slide.
    I don't mean to sound nasty, but I think you're over thinking it a bit. Yeah it was a dumb thing for the mom to say she was going to give away his toys to your son, but we're not talking about an 11 year old vs a 2 year old- they're both toddlers. Let mom correct him when she sees it, and when she doesn't, correct him yourself.
  • Mena929
    by Mena929
    January 4, 2013 at 2:02 PM

    I think it is normal behavior. He is pushing your younger kid because he is bigger. Lots of toddlers do this in my experience.

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