Advice for Moms

Taurusmom2
Living with a man I've lost all feelings for.... Venting!
December 23, 2012 at 11:35 PM

I moved in with my boyfriend back in August for the second time after losing a job and not being able to afford renting an apartment.  We have alot of problems with children, primarily my daughter who hates him, and because of this and other issues, I have lost all feelings for him and don't want to be intimate with him anymore. I am totally not attracted to him anymore, physically, mentally, or emotionally, and I get repulsed and try to avoid his overtures at all times.  He doesn't get it, and is in major denial.  I've been so clear in actions and words that I don't want "nookie" anymore and make it like it's a physical problem rather than my repulsion but it's getting quite annoying when he gets to the "I'm so horny, please give me a BJ and I'll leave you alone.  When I do attempt to get intimate, I just want him to do it fast, get it over with, and leave me alone.  I wonder if I've turned cold and sexless, unable to achieve satisfaction/orgasm at all. 

I'm trying to stay put, I pay him rent and help him financially.  I can't buy a home until I raise my credit score and I am working on doing that.  He is insanely jealous, insecure, untrusting, and thinks every man at work is going to attack me if I talk to them.  He is a diabetic and sickly and when his sugar gets high he turns into the incredible hulk which has caused major problems!  UGH!

I don't want to be disgusted with men altogether but I really do want to be on my own, independent again and just maybe date a little on a light basis, nothing serious.  I'm not good with relationships.  Was married once for 10 years, divorced now 8 years and this relationship is the 2nd most serious relationship I've had. 

I guess I'm just venting, not sure what advice I'm looking for.. but I'd love to hear from anyone with similar stories or any advice about men like this.  Thanks.

 

 

Replies

  • Keatonzmom
    December 24, 2012 at 7:15 AM

    My first husband I felt like that with after we started having problems. Realized the love really wasn't there to begin with and I just convinced myself that it was in the beginning. That is not a fun place to be in i'm sorry=( (and gross he asks you for BJ's... bleh). Is there any possible way that you can afford to move out? If you and your daughter are so unhappy with him there has to be another option for you to get away. Thank goodness you're not married to him that you have the option to leave. 

    After my divorce I felt the same way about not wanting to be with anyone. I think that's totally normal after you've been with someone that you can't stand for so long. I didn't even care to start dating my current husband at the time but gave it a shot anyway because it had been a long time since my divorce (it was a blind date set up by a friend). 

    I hope that you're able to get things figured out and you and your daughter are able to be happy and secure where you live. Good luck!

  • cara124
    by cara124
    December 24, 2012 at 10:58 AM

    I honestly think that you need to look in to moving out on your own with your daughter... one its not a healthy relationship for anyone... and second paying rent somewhere can help raise your credit score .

  • DaniandTom
    December 25, 2012 at 12:06 PM

    Obviously you don't love him anymore and as hard as it is to move on, you need to. That means telling him you don't want a relationship with him anymore. It isn't fair to your daughter, to you OR to him to keep this going on after the relationship is for all intents and purposes, dead. As hard as it is, you have to get out of there. If you're unable to rent an apartment, why are you even thinking of buying a house? Your credit will suffer more if you get into a place you cannot afford so rent something small for now, build your credit and your career and work toward something more. Perhaps for now, find a room mate and a small apartment for the three of you. To build your credit, put everything in your name IF you think you could pay for it all without a room mate--they're notorious for leaving without notice and "not having the money right now" for bills and rent. Or move in with family so you can save for a home of your own. The first step is to tell him you don't love him anymore. 

  • Sweet_Carol_126
    December 25, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    This is not fair to him.  You don't love him and it isn't a platonic love even but he repulses you.  That is serious.  You say it is because your daughter doesn't like him but you don't say why and why should your daughter's hatred (maybe jealousy because of her dad) should have nothing to do with you.  You movedin with him to take advantage it seems as you wanted a place to live.  Do you have a job now?  Then get you a small apartment and get out.  Tell him that you don't love him and that it isn't fair to him or to you.  Tell him if he needs to have some help paying bills you will rent a room for you and your daughter from him but it is entirely platonic and is no longer romantic and you will not be having sex.  Tell him that if he wants you to move out, you will and do it.  Or do it if it is not possible to stay with him.  You do not have a serious relationship with him at all.  I dont understand why you moved in or are staying.   I hope you have a job now and can get a small apartment even if it is a studio for just you and your daughter so you and she are not in that situation.  Don't look for a man for awhile.  Don't have sex without knowing someone too.  You find out too late that yo don't really know the person.  Make sure that you tell him you are leaving when he is not having diabetic problems.  Good luck to you.  You need to love yourself and to feel compassion for others but compassion is not love or the kind of love you need with a man.  Break it up and get out would be the best.  Then dauhter is not there and I hope she doesn't hate him because he has been too friendly to her.  You need to be careful where you take your daughter and what men you expose her to.  Good luck to you both.

     

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    December 25, 2012 at 3:57 PM

    Sorry as long as you live there you're going to have to put up with him.  It isn't up to him to make your life comfortable that is up to you.  You really have n right to "vent" or complain as long as you continue to live there.  So grow up and put om your big girl panties and stop blaming him because your life is so miserable and do something to make it unmisrable yourself. 

  • LoreleiSieja
    December 25, 2012 at 5:56 PM

    You have several problems you've mentioned... you are living with a man you do not love.  You worry if you are turning cold, and you wish you could be independent.  Did I miss anything?

    First, for your own health, the safety of your daughter, and yoru sanity, you NEED to move out!  Even if you cannot buy a house, there are apartments in all budget ranges. If necessary, there are even women's shelters, if you feel you really need to get away from him fast.  I'd be very worried about having a daughter in the home of a guy whose feeling "horny" if he wasn't getting it from me...There is probably a good reason why your daughter hates him!  You must move out.  A tiny one or two bedroom apartment will be so much better for you and your child than living with him.

    Second, you worry about yourself being sexually cold... this can happen for a number of reasons.  The main one is age.  You don't mention your age, but you said you were married for ten years and divorced for 8, so you're probably around 40ish.  Many women to experience a drop in libido as they mature.  Men have this problem, too.  Unfortunately, viagra works for men, but there is no magic pill to fix us girls.  We have to work harder to achieve orgasm than when we were teens... but we are mature enough to enjoy the relationship more, so that makes up for it.

    You aren't going to feel sexually satisfied with a guy you can't stand.  If you feel good about yourself, if you are healthy, getting enough sleep, and have your basic needs met, then if you meet some guy that is really cute and treats you nice, I'm sure you'll feel the old juices begin to flow again.  If not, there could be some other health issue involved.  For women about 40, experiencing a drop in libido combined with possible weight gain, irregular periods, and trouble sleeping, suspect a thyroid problem.  Some medications - including thyroid medication - can make it harder to feel aroused.  

    So, move out.  Get on your own.  Feel good about yourself... then when you are ready, you can consider dating again.  When you feel good about yourself, you'll be more attractive to the right guy, as well.

  • Butterfly1108
    December 25, 2012 at 9:38 PM

    Yeah I would try to move out as soon as possible and live your life until that Prince Charming comes along for now just think of you & your dd (no men allowed for now) or just date but nothing else. GL

  • robyann
    by robyann
    December 25, 2012 at 9:50 PM

     You are in a tough spot. Your kind of stuck right now. But try to get out of there asap, even if you have to rent a small place temporarily. The reason he acts so jealous about the guys at work, is because he either knows or senses things aren't right between you too. Even if he doesn't really get that you don't want to be with him, he can sense it.

  • Fultonmom
    December 25, 2012 at 11:50 PM

    I honestly feel like you should just leave this dude and find u an apartment thats affordable for u and your daughter. Not being happy and upset sends tension in the household which can effect your daughter. The situation u are in seems to be unheathy and u should be a mother and make the best decision for your child at this point now.

  • Taurusmom2
    December 26, 2012 at 11:26 AM

    Thank you all for your wonderful advice... I know that I need to move out and away from him, but I moved so much in the past 8 years that I didn't want to move to another apartment and then have to move again into a house.. I'm determined to buy a house on or before my 50th birthday in May.  I was going to move into a room but changed my mind when I found out that I wasn't going to have house privileges andhad to stay in the one bedroom.  I'm trying to tell him that I lost feelings for him and that we are just roommates but he is in major denial and thinks I will change my mind.  I guess I really do have to look for something for the 5 or 6 months interim it may take to get into a house, as I really don't think I can take being with him if he refuses to see the light. 

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