Hi everyone, I would like to know from all you moms out there how good of a father your husband is to your children? How involved is he? How much time does he spend with them and what types of activities does he do with them? Also, does he work full-time and if he does, does he still spend most of his free time with the kids in the weekends? If you have a baby, is he natural at taking care of him/her? Does he do anything in the household or is that 'your task'? I know these are alot of questions but I really would love some answers. I'm in a situation where I feel like my husband just doesn't put in enough time and effort with our 3 yr old and our 10 month old twins. He lets me do everything, I have to ask for his help all the time and he doesn't naturally play with them or spend alot of time with them. He's disrespectful in ways of leaving clothes on the floor, doesn't put his shit away, never helps me with dishes, even though i cook...and most of the time i put all three kids to bed by myself and when we have to go somewhere im always the one getting the kids ready and that's ALOT of work with three boys. I'm just sick of it, tired. Like having a fourth child. Not to mention he gets mad when I don't have time or don't feel like being intimate. I'm at the end of my rope but wanna do anything to save my family, just for my kids sake. Any comments and advice is welcome!
Thanks so much!
by LucyHarperNovember 13, 2012 at 9:42 PM
My husband works full time, but is extremely involved in our kids. I work part time, so I have more time in the house so I do a larger share of the housework, but he still does some of the work, like cleaning, making dinner some nights, etc. He also takes responsibility of all of his personal messes, he understands that I'm not the maid or his mommy, he can pick up after himself. He does however put in just as much work with the kids, while it makes sense that I do more housework, it takes two to make a child and he wants to be just as involved as I am, since they are just as much his responsibility. That works out fine because he is obsessed with our kids. He chose to have to get up extra early and go to work at 5:30am just so he could put in nine hours a day and be home by 3, so he can spend as much time as possible with them. He has sundays off and uses the majority of the day to spend time with them and me. He has no problem getting them ready, doing baths, bedtime stories, playing with them, etc. He thinks thats an important part of being a father, showing your kids you are there for them for the not so fun parts, like taking care of a sick child, not just for the playtime. If the baby cries at night, he's up in a heartbeat. He takes them hiking, fishing, plays sports with them, takes them to museums, to the library, anywhere. He didn't have a good childhood and wants to make sure our kids have the best childhood possible, that they never have to question if he loves them and they never have to feel neglected, he wants to make sure they are taken care of, and in return they are the light of his life. I am very grateful to have a husband who is such a great husband and father. I would seriously have a talk with him, tell him he needs to learn to take personal responsibilities of his messes and needs to spend more time with the kids, they are only kids once and you want to give them a childhood that they can look back on and remember a caring active father.
by englebabiesNovember 13, 2012 at 9:42 PM
Welcome to my world, thats all I can say. One piece of advice don't try to save a marriage "for the kids sake" because it only hurts them more. I know it is hard but if you are not happy and don't want to be with your hubby anymore you and the kids might be better off leaving. If you want to save the marriage because you want the marriage, you could try couple cousling (it helped my marriage). That is the best advice I can give and I hope I didn't sound mean because I in no way want it to sound like that.
November 13, 2012 at 9:45 PM
i have 2 kids.. DS is 5 & DD is 3. he works M-F (leaves the house at 7am & gets home about 7:30pm) - he commutes 1.5 hour each way
he puts them to bed EVERY night, when they were newborns/infants/babies, he would do the midnight feeding
we have a housekeeper so she comes once a week to deep clean, we both straighten up the other 6 days of the week. he cooks 3 of the 7 nights, i cook once a week and the rest of the week we have take out. he spends all day Sat & Sun with the kids, so i can food shop, run errands and do the things i want to do, mani/pedi/massage.
if he leaves work early he bathes them
we are 50/50 and thats the way it should be. i do everything during the day with them, we go to birthday parties together, or now since the kids are older, if we have more than one a day, we split them.
he has no problem with me going away with the girls for the weekend either.. i go 6 times a year. we leave Friday night and come home Sunday evening.
he can do that as well... our marriage as should ANY marriage, regardless who works and who is a SAHM should be 50/50
First sit down and make a list. Men need you to be very specific. List a few things that you want his help with. Just a few, gotta start out slow lol. Then sit down with him and calmly and nicely tell him you need his help. Don't accuse or say "you never help"....make it sound like you need his help, men like to help or feel like they are solving our problems.
Men are alot of work ,lol. It takes years to make one like you want them. Some men just don't naturally know how to parent little kids. He probably just doesn't know what to do, and from his prespective it looks like you have it all covered.
My dh wasn't too involved with any of ours when they were babies, he got a bit better when they were able to pretty much take care of themselves, like no diapers and eating on their own. Our last child is now 17 and things have eased up and changed alot. He is home alot more and probably has spent more time with the youngest than the others. Now we have grandkids and he is starting too see things differently. He now realizes how fast they grow up and how much he missed with ours, so he's a much more involved grandpa than he was a father. When ours were little he was focused on making money. We decided I'd be a SAHM, and that wasn't always easy, but we felt that was important so we made sacrificies and he worked too much.
I think you just need to get on the same page as your dh. Talk about what you need and how you both want this to go. How much your both willing to give and sacrifice.
You just need to be able to have open communication without feeling unheard. You have to make your relationship with your dh a priority and make time for him occasionally. Men are a bit like children in this area, they feel neglected and don't even consider why you haven't been giving them attention. They really are alot of work, lol, but over the years you learn to work together and learn what each other needs, if you stick it out eventually you'll have YOUR perfect man. :) GL
You sound like me on a bad day. I've had a lot of those days in my years of being married. We have five children ( I also have a set of twins ) we have three boys and two girls.
When we first got married he was very selfish. He did not help me at all with our daughter. And I would fight with him all the time and also not want to be intimate because I didn't feel loved. When our second child came along all this continued and that cycle of not feeling loved and denying intimacy continued. I don't know how we didn't get divorced.
Before my twins were born I can remember praying and asking God to help me ( I tried everything I knew so I was getting desperate, that's what it took for me ) to finally realize that I can not change anyone, including him. So, I asked for patience to be able to love him how he is. For me to do this on my own is impossible because it's much easier to see the defects in the other one opposed to my own short comings ( and I have many, he can tell you ).
Once I started taking this approach things got better. It took time and he also started going to church with me and the children which worked for us. Soon after we had twin boys ( which is when the real change started to happen ) I think he finally realized that my job was not easy and I was not longer attacking him, so he found it in his heart to help me.
We had our youngest two years ago and many times he tears up and tells me how much he regrets the way he was with our first daughter and wishes he would of held her more.
So, there is hope. It's not any easy road but we found what worked for us, I hope you are able to do the same.
My husband works from 8am-9pm daily (6 days a wk) And our dd goes to bed at 10, He gets home at 9:10 and its daddy time! They play, dance, sing, count, alot of activities. He goes to most of her apptments (she sees 7 specialist) . He plays Softball on Saturdays sometimesio and me & dd go and watch, She gathers balls & bats and plays galore:) Sundays are family days and he is full on DAD and loves it. We usually do a activity for her and he is pretty involved.
Up until a month ago I also worked so we both did our share, I of course do more now but he will help without asking. He is a good man, But has his faults
by joyfulmom03November 14, 2012 at 12:46 AM
Thank you all for your replies and advice. The things is, we have been married for almost 8 years and I literally have tried everything. We've fought and talked but he never really listens. He doesn't take it as advice to better himself or to make me feel better. He takes everything I say as an attack and walks away when I'm starting to talk or argue. I've tried to be nice about it and I've done it the hard way, once even threatened a divorce before we even had kids. I guess I should have known it wasn't going to get any better once we had kids. I've alays had the hope and wish for a long, beautful life together but like this, it can't happen. I just don't understand why he's doing this or why he is what he is. He had a childhood with no father around - big ahole- and told me he never wanted to be like that. He isn't at all like that but I would think he'd be the best father and husband in the world. Omg I could talk all night. I gotta stop. I just can't stop thinking about this question: "Does he really just not care?" or "Does he not have the empathy to understand that he's being so disrespectful and uninvolved?"...
DH is very involved with our son. I'm a SAHM so during the day I do the household chores, cook, take care of DS. DH works full time, when he comes home from work I fix his dinner and then he usually takes care of DS until his bedtime. He feeds him dinner, does diaper changes and he's always the one to give DS a bath. On the weekends he does most of the legwork. As far as household chores, cooking, etc. DH and I have an agreement that I take care of that and he works FT. Of course he's happy to help with the dishes, etc. when I ask. He also takes care of any household maintenance (except plumbing, I'm quite the plumber!) he takes out the garbage, etc. We both try to put our clothes in the hamper and not clutter the house too badly....I do find myself picking up after myself the next day. DH does most of the grocery shopping. He's a wonderful father, and my best friend and also a 50/50 partner. We both work hard in different ways to keep the house running and our lives financially stable.
My husband owns his own business. He works 5-6 days a week, up to 14/15 hours a day if he has a big project. Our children are older now but he is still involved. He takes them to practices when he's home, doesn't miss a game or performance unless he's traveling for work. He helps with the home schooling when needed.