Advice for Moms

thickerthan
I'm in desparate need of good advice about alleged half sister.
October 18, 2012 at 2:28 PM
Ok so some background info. When I was 9-10 years old my father introduced me to this couple that for a strange, unknown reason stuck in my memory all this time 20 or so years. Pictures of this couple and I were taken. The woman said I looked so much like her little girl. I've wondered over the years about them and I never knew why, (Until yesterday).
My dad had a stroke a few months ago and he told me after it that I have a half sister. No other info other than the mother was married but separated and her husband had a vasectomy after their second child. I didn't have anything to go on at that point. Yesterday my dad called me and told me everything. That that couple were her parents and he hadn't seen the girl since she was at 2 1/2. The couple had threatened him with death and the womans brothers, all 5 were backing that up with their own threats on him.
My parents had divorced three years before the girl was conceived after having my 4 brothers and I. My pleat two brothers were in foster homes and my youngest 2 brothers went with our mom. I went to my uncles until my father gained custody of me and the two oldest. That's another story in itself.
So armed with names I found my half sister, her parents and allot of info. I may have made a huge mistake of friending my half sister on facebook then soon after she accepted. I know I should have felt things out but being a person who can be a bit excitable and too gun-ho at times I message-blurted what I had been told to her. She of course said I had the wrong person but I knew her parents and those are her parents!
She asked for more info. I told her everything from her birth date to the hospital she was born. The color of her moms hair, the make of their vehicle at the time I'd met them. The way she looked at the last time my dad saw her and the fact that she's a true blonde when both her mom and dad have dark hair. She dyes her hair and had no pictures of herself as a blonde. We also both have the same middle name, NOT something on anything I looked up about her. Yet after all this time she said her moms hair was brown at that time and her dad had lots of hair then. So I had to have the wrong person! WTF!
I then called my father who made me feel like shit. Saying they are going to kill him now and I could cry when they found him murdered in a ditch! Today he's still over dramatic and saying his bp is super high and I've betrayed him. He did tell me I could do as I pleased with the info! I know he will calm down he's just making me feel like crap.
After being separated from my brothers, it's difficult for me to deal with this. My father and her mother and stepfather have kept this info from us even as adults. I can't help but feel betrayed myself. I don't know what to do at this point. I do want to know the truth but I don't want to do more damage that I've already done. I know I got some of my fathers dramaqueeness but at least I own up to it!
Since she and I are both adults is there any advice someone can give me about how to prove she's my half sister? I'm kinda leery about contacting her parents because if they haven't told her they sure wont tell me. I don't know if I should pursue it at all anymore. But it's always going to nag me. The what if thing will always be in my mind. Also, whatever would be the reason for them to take pictures with me if they never planned on telling her the truth? I wonder if there's something even more I'm not being told?
I'm a mother of three with my ex and two adopted one of the adopted, originally being my stepdaughter. I could never see separating them or not telling them. They all have half siblings, one I can never find due to it being my exes before us and being adopted out and another of my fathers exes who my kids don't know because he has nothing to do with our kids by his own choice. I have told my kids though and they can find their father and sibling once old enoug. I will help them. I just cannot see lies being told to my own children about something so important.
Edit:
I understand that she is an adult and I am a stranger to her. I know it needs to be left alone now and that the ball is in her court now. But I don't agree with those who think it was wrong for me to contact her and tell her the truth. I don't believe it's a parents choice to tell their child something so important once the child is no longer a minor. What if she were to become sick and needed something her mothers side could not give her? What if in that same scenario she found this out due to DNA testing of her other siblings or the man she has always known as her father? That would be even more devastating.This way at least she knows its a possibility.
My father made me angry because he is now blaming me for stirring things up. When its him that called her mother just before telling me about it. He is now saying if they cause troubles for him its my fault. He contacted them after 20 years. He then called me and told me everything. My parents kept me from my brothers and I find that my father kept me from another sibling. This is frustrating to me. I don't have much of a relationship with any of my siblings due to this. I have tried to explain to them I want more of a relationship with them but too much time has passed without them that its very hard for us to bond. I figure this girl is in her early 20'sfrom and I can at least try and may have a chance to bond with her.

Replies

  • christababy
    October 18, 2012 at 2:57 PM
    You cannot force yourself on someone else. You've reached out, and now the ball is in her court. Maybe she doesn't want anything to do with you? Maybe she doesn't want her life disrupted. That's something huge to throw at someone. To find out as an adult that your dad is not your dad, that should come from her parents, not a stranger.
  • dee1603
    by dee1603
    October 18, 2012 at 3:00 PM
    You can't force it. Now that the seed is planted maybe she will come around. Focus on you and what you have and if she wants to get to know you she will.
  • robyann
    by robyann
    October 18, 2012 at 4:39 PM

     I agree with both the pp's. You have contacted her, now it's up to her to decide what she wants to do. I agree with you about your own kids, telling them the truth, it's not good to have so many family secrets that can come out anytime and confuse and hurt your kids, or others.

  • Gailll
    by Gailll
    October 18, 2012 at 5:41 PM

    Some families keep secrets, some don't. It wasn't your place to contact this young woman. If there ever comes a time that she were to contact you there are DNA labs that can confirm if you are related.

  • LovelyBugs
    October 18, 2012 at 5:46 PM
    I would leave it be and not involve others...you extended yoursekf and was turned away so its time to stop pushing. I know its hard
  • Chellie13
    October 18, 2012 at 5:52 PM

    Some people aren"t ready to accept something like this.  She knows how to contact you (at least through facebook), if she changes her mind, or comes to terms with the history there.  There's nothing else you can do, or should do at this point.  

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 18, 2012 at 7:10 PM

    I agree, you can't force yourself on anyone.  You have to be willing to accept the fact that she may not want anything to do with you. 

Advice for Moms