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mmccrea
How much should my husband do?
by mmccrea
October 13, 2012 at 11:08 PM

We have an odd situation.  My husband was transferred to work in MN, 6 hours away from any of our family.  So we moved.  We have no friends/family around, with the exception of one very busy friend.  I am a SAHM and student.  He works 4 days on, 4 days off.  13 hour shifts, overnights, he runs a Walmart.  I do all the housework, meals, bills, and pet care (we have a dog and cat).  We always argue over how much he should have to pitch in with watching our son.  We don't get breaks at all, unless we travel to visit our families.  On the days he works, we see him maybe an hour, and he is a zombie (not good for conversation!).  His first day off, he is...a zombie.  I know he is working hard, but I want him to do more with our son, or do the dishes once a week or something.  What should I be able to ask from him that is fair?  

Replies

  • mmccrea
    by mmccrea
    October 13, 2012 at 11:32 PM


    Quoting Acid:

    He's working overnights.  13 hours a day.  Midnight shifts are incredibly hard to deal with.  

    Don't whine or beg or get mad.  Just say I'd like it if you'd do the dishes for me tonight and I'll bathe Ichabod. 

    Or, would you please take Ichabod for a walk to the park and I'll finish up the dishes...

    You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

    Yeah, he hasn't been adjusting to the overnight shift well.  I think you advice I will have to try tomorrow when he gets home at 8AM and I make him "dinner."  

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 13, 2012 at 11:36 PM

    He definatelty needs to be interacting with his son.  You need to remind him that your son has two parents.  And you are right, he should also be able to wash a dis or two while he is home, help you get your housework done so that maybe you can spend at least one day together as a family.  When the two of you work to get it all done you should be able to have at least one day where neither one of you is working. 

  • mmccrea
    by mmccrea
    October 13, 2012 at 11:37 PM


    Quoting katamike:

     If you are a sahm, When he works, expect nothing, Especially with such long hours!Yes we as sahm's work longer hours than that, but we are at home, and if we get that tired, we can sit down and have a break. Ever tried cleaning nonstop with a 1/2 hr break for 13 hours straight? i have never cleaned that long without a break longer than 30 mins. I used to work and lemme tell you, when you work a 12hr shift, the Last thing you want to do is work when you get home.We all too often forget about that. Give him that first day off of rest, then come to an agreement, if you are feeling overwhelmed and need some breaks, and he doesnt want to pitch in, tell him how you feel. Go on a family outing on a day off.. Give him little things to do with ds and ask him to help you vaccum or do up the dishes while your making supper, or sit down to fold laundry and see if he will help you fold.Then he will feel like he is not being pressured into it. I try not to ask to much of my Dh, after all, he is the reason i am able to be a sahm. Without him, i would be the one working long hours and never getting to see my kids. :( Hope that helps...

    I didn't want to be a SAHM, but in MN we have some of the highest cost of childcare.  I was offered a job for $15/hour, and couldn't accept because after childcare costs it would have not been worth it!  (Avg. weekly daycare cost exceeds $300 here!)  But I like the small steps thing, and not feeling pressured.  He does not take well to nagging.  

  • katamike
    October 13, 2012 at 11:41 PM

     I dont' know a man that does! lol I didn't make that comment to make you feel bad, im just saying, we are sometimes too quick  to not put ourselves in thier shoes is all. Sorry if i came across wrong :/

    Quoting mmccrea:

     

    Quoting katamike:

     If you are a sahm, When he works, expect nothing, Especially with such long hours!Yes we as sahm's work longer hours than that, but we are at home, and if we get that tired, we can sit down and have a break. Ever tried cleaning nonstop with a 1/2 hr break for 13 hours straight? i have never cleaned that long without a break longer than 30 mins. I used to work and lemme tell you, when you work a 12hr shift, the Last thing you want to do is work when you get home.We all too often forget about that. Give him that first day off of rest, then come to an agreement, if you are feeling overwhelmed and need some breaks, and he doesnt want to pitch in, tell him how you feel. Go on a family outing on a day off.. Give him little things to do with ds and ask him to help you vaccum or do up the dishes while your making supper, or sit down to fold laundry and see if he will help you fold.Then he will feel like he is not being pressured into it. I try not to ask to much of my Dh, after all, he is the reason i am able to be a sahm. Without him, i would be the one working long hours and never getting to see my kids. :( Hope that helps...

    I didn't want to be a SAHM, but in MN we have some of the highest cost of childcare.  I was offered a job for $15/hour, and couldn't accept because after childcare costs it would have not been worth it!  (Avg. weekly daycare cost exceeds $300 here!)  But I like the small steps thing, and not feeling pressured.  He does not take well to nagging.  

     

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 14, 2012 at 12:15 AM


    Quoting katamike:

     If you are a sahm, When he works, expect nothing, Especially with such long hours!Yes we as sahm's work longer hours than that, but we are at home, and if we get that tired, we can sit down and have a break. Ever tried cleaning nonstop with a 1/2 hr break for 13 hours straight? i have never cleaned that long without a break longer than 30 mins. I used to work and lemme tell you, when you work a 12hr shift, the Last thing you want to do is work when you get home.We all too often forget about that. Give him that first day off of rest, then come to an agreement, if you are feeling overwhelmed and need some breaks, and he doesnt want to pitch in, tell him how you feel. Go on a family outing on a day off.. Give him little things to do with ds and ask him to help you vaccum or do up the dishes while your making supper, or sit down to fold laundry and see if he will help you fold.Then he will feel like he is not being pressured into it. I try not to ask to much of my Dh, after all, he is the reason i am able to be a sahm. Without him, i would be the one working long hours and never getting to see my kids. :( Hope that helps...

    Don't forget as a SAHM she has been at home with "the little people" (or "children of the corn" as my daughter calls them LOL) all day...she needs as much a break from them when daddy gets home as he needs a break from his work at the end of the day.  And maybe you were able to sit down and take a break but I had a very busy toddler hw didn't take naps so there was no sitting down.  I carried a travel mug of coffee around with me from room to room and up and down the street when my daughter was a toddler and I was home...When people would say "Hi" to em I would respond with "Yes I am ho could you tell?"  LOL

  • katamike
    October 14, 2012 at 12:23 AM

     

    Quoting CoeyG:


    Quoting katamike:

     If you are a sahm, When he works, expect nothing, Especially with such long hours!Yes we as sahm's work longer hours than that, but we are at home, and if we get that tired, we can sit down and have a break. Ever tried cleaning nonstop with a 1/2 hr break for 13 hours straight? i have never cleaned that long without a break longer than 30 mins. I used to work and lemme tell you, when you work a 12hr shift, the Last thing you want to do is work when you get home.We all too often forget about that. Give him that first day off of rest, then come to an agreement, if you are feeling overwhelmed and need some breaks, and he doesnt want to pitch in, tell him how you feel. Go on a family outing on a day off.. Give him little things to do with ds and ask him to help you vaccum or do up the dishes while your making supper, or sit down to fold laundry and see if he will help you fold.Then he will feel like he is not being pressured into it. I try not to ask to much of my Dh, after all, he is the reason i am able to be a sahm. Without him, i would be the one working long hours and never getting to see my kids. :( Hope that helps...

    Don't forget as a SAHM she has been at home with "the little people" (or "children of the corn" as my daughter calls them LOL) all day...she needs as much a break from them when daddy gets home as he needs a break from his work at the end of the day.  And maybe you were able to sit down and take a break but I had a very busy toddler hw didn't take naps so there was no sitting down.  I carried a travel mug of coffee around with me from room to room and up and down the street when my daughter was a toddler and I was home...When people would say "Hi" to em I would respond with "Yes I am ho could you tell?"  LOL

     Yes i understand that. i have been a sahm for 6 years now, i have 2 kids who are 15 mos apart. I know that feeling of wanting to rip your hair out, but you don't because you don't want to clean up the mess.. LOL Sahm is a hard job. I didn't mean to come across like it's not, I'm just saying that sometimes we forget how hard our Dh's work. Do they know how hard we work? NO..lol But it has to start somewhere. If we appreciate what they do more they will appreciate us more, instead of bumping heads all the time, they can work together. Now it is different if he doesn't respond and expects her to do everything and doesn't appreciate what she does. Then he is just acting childish and selfish. But let's hope her Dh is not that guy!

  • mmccrea
    by mmccrea
    October 14, 2012 at 12:35 AM

    LOL to "Children of the Corn!"  How very Halloween-y of you.  Yes, my son is a VERY active toddler too.  I do realize on his days when he is working, I cannot expect much except for, "can you make sure Eli doesn't choke while I am in the shower for 2 mins?"  He really is whooped when he gets home.  

  • Sweet_Carol_126
    October 14, 2012 at 12:43 AM

    You have one child and are a stay at home mom.  You should  have the home fairly clean.  Since he has 4 days off, he should be able to care for the son and let you get out to the store without a child to get groceries or to do a bit of shopping.  One day a week should be enough.  He should make the lunch for the boy and himself or you can leave him a casserole in the kitchen or something like that.  Maybe one day aeek you can make several casseroles that can be just put in the oven from the freezer.  Maybe you can use a crockpot to make a meal.  Check Crock Pot Moms on Cafe Moms and that should be at least once a week for you.  He is pretty tired nd does need some down time, but he does need to spend time with his son.  Too bad you don't have a dishwasher so you wouldn't need him to do that or you either.  Try to find some friends where in the summer you can take the kids to the park and visit.  See if there are some moms at church who might want to get together.  Of courseyou are entering winter and you will be more lonely as it is cold as can be there.    My ex used to manage a grocery and he worked long hours but it was 6 days a week and sometimes 7.  He could have gotten away more often as he made his schedule.   During some of that time he took our only car and I was stuck at home.  I did better when I had a car.  We could go to the store though and see him a bit and that was no problem.   It may be for you.  Does he take car of your son while yogo to school?  Waht do you do with him then?  That is time when you get away.  I can recall taking my kids to college with me and leaving them with books and coloring materials in the lounges in the hall or sitting on the floor by a wall while my class was going on and then we'd try to do something special together before we went home.   If he doesn't get involved with the son, he won't know him that well.  However, my kids seemed to but could be that we went to the store and also we did go on vacation every year and that was a time when we did fun things together.  Still we ended up after 25 years divorced. Work more important than home to him and I was working as well by then when he had an affair (connected with work).  He did it again and that ended it.   hope you can get him involved a bit more.  Good luck.

  • mmccrea
    by mmccrea
    October 14, 2012 at 12:50 AM

    BUMP!

  • mmccrea
    by mmccrea
    October 14, 2012 at 12:53 AM

    My home is immaculate.  Real clean-all the time!  I like the casserole idea.  Very low-maintenance.  I do agree I need to go to a church and find some mom-friends.  I'm kind of social-phobia-y.  We have two vehicles, and we live in town, so it is not like I am stuck out in the middle of nowhere w/o a vehicle.  I do my schooling online, so no break there!  I am sorry to hear how your marriage ended for you.  I hope we will not have the same demise.  

    Quoting Sweet_Carol_126:

    You have one child and are a stay at home mom.  You should  have the home fairly clean.  Since he has 4 days off, he should be able to care for the son and let you get out to the store without a child to get groceries or to do a bit of shopping.  One day a week should be enough.  He should make the lunch for the boy and himself or you can leave him a casserole in the kitchen or something like that.  Maybe one day aeek you can make several casseroles that can be just put in the oven from the freezer.  Maybe you can use a crockpot to make a meal.  Check Crock Pot Moms on Cafe Moms and that should be at least once a week for you.  He is pretty tired nd does need some down time, but he does need to spend time with his son.  Too bad you don't have a dishwasher so you wouldn't need him to do that or you either.  Try to find some friends where in the summer you can take the kids to the park and visit.  See if there are some moms at church who might want to get together.  Of courseyou are entering winter and you will be more lonely as it is cold as can be there.    My ex used to manage a grocery and he worked long hours but it was 6 days a week and sometimes 7.  He could have gotten away more often as he made his schedule.   During some of that time he took our only car and I was stuck at home.  I did better when I had a car.  We could go to the store though and see him a bit and that was no problem.   It may be for you.  Does he take car of your son while yogo to school?  Waht do you do with him then?  That is time when you get away.  I can recall taking my kids to college with me and leaving them with books and coloring materials in the lounges in the hall or sitting on the floor by a wall while my class was going on and then we'd try to do something special together before we went home.   If he doesn't get involved with the son, he won't know him that well.  However, my kids seemed to but could be that we went to the store and also we did go on vacation every year and that was a time when we did fun things together.  Still we ended up after 25 years divorced. Work more important than home to him and I was working as well by then when he had an affair (connected with work).  He did it again and that ended it.   hope you can get him involved a bit more.  Good luck.


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