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buttersworth
Funeral Day/Tween Being Dramatic
October 12, 2012 at 11:07 PM

My husband's father died 3 days ago. He was 86 yrs old and in ill health for some time. Last night the family had a private viewing after which we had family congregate at our house. This morning I had to get 3 kids out of the house for a 10 a.m. funeral followed by a long procession to the burial and back to the church for a sort of informal reception. We had colds and I have a recurrent inner ear infection so when I woke I had vertigo which eventually went away with a decongestant, but not being able to stand on my two feet makes getting ready that much more difficult.

We got back home about 4 pm, fed our kids dinner and our 2 and 3 yr olds fell asleep early having missed their naps. Our 12 year old seemed to adjust to her grandfather's passing well enough; she's already lost all other grandparents. But, she continues to do what she has been doing for quite some time: treating me like she's the mother and I'm the child.

Her incessant nagging, belittling, over sensitivity and downright disrespectfulness are hard enough,but worse, she doesn't listen to me. She's a sweet girl and a good student but every moment we're together I either feel guilty for something, stressed out, or like crap. She's a drama queen, alright. I have to remind myself of her phase but I am having a hard time teaching her what I feel is right.

So here's what she just did, which is pretty typical. After such a day as we had, she complains that the garbage is full. I was relaxing on the computer here and not planning on doing any house cleaning. I ignored her. Then, she takes out the floor vac. Well, I asked her a bunch of times to stop. She was going to wake the babies. My Dh and I wake 1-3x a night, and after all of this, we certainly don't want to be up with toddlers awake. It's 10:30 pm and she is defiantly vacuuming the floor when I said no. She says it's disgusting. Yes, it's dirty, but yes, it can wait til tomorrow. Then she proceeds to want to swiffer it. I told her no, it'd make too much noise, I'm going to bed I dont want the light on from the kitchen waking me. She doesn't have to do this now, or at all. She tells me I should be greatful that she wants to help and I say I am, but not now. Now is not the time.

She grew up an only child untl she was 10, and so all she remembers is a cleaner house because I didn't have two toddlers running around. I could clean better before, but I told her I had the same messy house when SHE was a toddler. She says it's not normal, blah blah blah and I tell her it is.

I get that she's at that age where appearance is EVERYTHING, and she's embarrassed about EVERYTHING. I just get annoyed because she won't listen. Not only that, but she criticizes me which makes me feel lke one of those hoarder women, and I'm not and my house is not dirty like that. She makes me feel awful. She criticizes other things about me. Every time she's awake and everyone else is sleeping and I'm just trying to wind down, she's picking on me or we argue, and she gves me huge anxiety.

I don't know if advice can be given,but just venting made me feel better.

 

Replies

  • southernwldchld
    October 12, 2012 at 11:48 PM

    I have a 13 yo dd, I feel ya hun. It was like something possessed her when she hit 12. Sometimes I think seriously about selling her to the circus.

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 12, 2012 at 11:51 PM

    It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

  • Amybelle
    October 12, 2012 at 11:55 PM

    you CAN'T be Serious!

  • 3lilmonsters88
    October 12, 2012 at 11:57 PM
    Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

    Quoting CoeyG:

    It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

  • frndlyfn
    October 13, 2012 at 12:06 AM

    I would have sent her to bed by 9pm and let her know we will clean tomorrow together when everyone feels better.  In away you should be happy she wants to do housework but it only seems to disrupt the family so a double edged sword.  It doesnt sound like she had adjusted well to being a big sister after all those years being an only.   She needs to know that respect is expected towards everyone especially adults.  Smart mouthing or belitting would have consequences.

  • LIVE_LOVE143
    October 13, 2012 at 12:20 AM

    Well I say she is going through alot right now, but at the same time it doesnt give her the right to talk to you like your no good when thats not the case. You do alot and if more people would realize that then maybe just maybe then things would be a little better maybe even a little easier, not having all the people espically your daughter nagging at you. Good Luck she is a handful I bet but its just the teenage years hitting hard and with all the big changes happening new lives, death of family memeber, gonna be going into highschool, she a mrs.priss but it wil get better.

  • Marsella
    October 13, 2012 at 11:40 AM
    Lol! My 13 year old was the baby until she was 9 :-) Different details but I feel your pain! I will actually make mine stay up until she finishes her housework, even if it is 10:30 at night! There is no excuse for her to speak to you like that. It's disrespectful, rude and undervalues who you are and what you do. I put up with a lot of my DDs drama, but the moment she thinks she can bully me I put my foot down and give her the same punishment that my 4 year old would get for bad mouthing me, or anyone in the family (stand in the corner for 13 minutes) It brings her right back down to earth, reminds her pretty quick that she is the child. I am all for my home being a free place to express ones self. But, it needs to be clear the home is free and safe for all members that live there.
  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 13, 2012 at 12:38 PM


    Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

    Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

    Quoting CoeyG:

    It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

    I guess it never occured to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  

  • Ivoryskyangel
    October 13, 2012 at 1:03 PM

    And I think she will survive not cleaning. There are other ways to handle grief... disrupting the family is not a healthy one. Talking to her Mother like that is not a healthy one either.

    Quoting CoeyG:


    Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

    Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

    Quoting CoeyG:

    It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

    I guess it never occored to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 13, 2012 at 1:50 PM


    Quoting Ivoryskyangel:

    And I think she will survive not cleaning. There are other ways to handle grief... disrupting the family is not a healthy one. Talking to her Mother like that is not a healthy one either.

    Quoting CoeyG:


    Quoting 3lilmonsters88:

    Lmao really? It was 1030 at night and she asked her to wait to clean. And really to damn bad if she wakes a cranky toddler up this late and having them be up all night while she gets to go rest her pretty little head? Are you even a mom? I mean common sense here tells you her daughter was being disrespectful and defiant but all you can do is bitch because she should praise this disrespectful behavior.

    Quoting CoeyG:

    It's called Puberty...she is behaving perfectly normal for a 12 year old...it's her mother who isn't doing all that great.  Had it been my daughter who wanted to clean, I'd be praising her and thanking her and I'd take her out the next weekend and treat her to some one on one time with me.  As for waking the toddlers...too damn bad mom, you had them.   Show your 12 year old some appreciation Geeze.  

    I guess it never occored to anyone that this might be the way this "tween" handles her grief.  I would let her clean.  The little ones and mother too will survive being up at that hour.  


    Oh good grief "disrupting the family"  Somebody has died, the family has already been "disruppted"  I'm not going to change my opinion.  But keep making up excuses. 

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