Edit: Just to add a little history. My parents divorce didn't go well. They ended up taking my yonger brother and I and splitting us up. Mom taking him, Dad me. So from 10 months old my brother didn't live with dad. From 2 years old I didn't live with mom. Our older brothers were able to choose as they were much older. My mom moved to MN from WI. My little brother never developed a real relationship with our father or I. So this happened to my father basically twice. I know it won't chanch things for him now. But knowing my siblings means so much too me.
My father had 2 strokes and is not going to last long. I think he's hanging on because of all this. His doctor has no clue how he's still alive. He's on hospice now but I wont do any more harm to this girl.
If you feel that you need to reach out to them then by all means do it. Just because your family was separated does not mean they are not your family, nor does it mean that you could never have a relationship with them. Go out there and put the pieces together, but be strong because you could end up getting disappointed. I wish you the best!
July 31, 2012 at 6:04 AM
oh wow...I found out the same when my mom passed away my dad confessed i had a little sister out there. I was 15 and my little sister's mom [assed away too so she came to live with my dad & step-mom so i had gotten to meet her and know her. Do we keep in touch and have a relationship? No not really. II think you should try to find your sister. Do you know the last name of the lady? Your sister's dob? If you know bits and pieces of info maye you can use the people finder website. I wish you luck whatever you decide.
It may be best to be left alone. She may not know her dad isn't her bio dad. It would be hard to find out at 25 that your mom cheated, and the person that you grew up calling dad is not really your bio dad... And if the family is hostile, I am sure they wouldn't take it well either.
While it might be nice to find out who your half-sister is, it may not be quite the reunion you'd expect given the circumstances. My dad was married twice before he married my mother and I know who all my siblings are, so the situation isn't the same. But even if you find her, she may not know anything about what happened and it may be destructive information for her. I'm not sure what I would do. To find out, you'll have to do a lot of the PI work yourself and it may take a long time. Either way, best of luck with whatever you choose to do.
by Pirate.MumJuly 31, 2012 at 10:58 AM
Ok, just to hit on a few things...being an adopted child, I wanted to know the rest of my family. Some of them didn't know about me but once they found out, I ended up with loving half-siblings that would do anything for me and me for them.
Someone said maybe she had a normal life and why disrupt it...that could be true, however, if thie OP's dad had his life threatened (probably why he didn't pursue it...perhaps he felt they meant it-furthermore he had no legal standing anyway), then it is possible that these people who threatened him were not good to the OP's half-sister. She may be ecstatic to find she has some other family around!
Someone else said if the sibling knew her dad was not her bio dad but did not attempt to contact her bio dad then she was happy...perhaps her parents told her she had another dad but gave her no info. It is hard to look for someone when you know nothing about them, not even a name to start with...
Also, it is highly unlikely that the husband thought the sibling is his...unless the mother was really convincing. The OP stated that the mother was angry at the husband for having a vasectomy, which is why she had the affiar with OP's father. Vasectomies are not 100% but it makes it more unlikely.
OP: If you decide you want to pursue looking, I offer my help. I can't guarantee any results, but I know what it feels like to know you have family out there somewhere.
by PinkieRedJuly 31, 2012 at 11:17 AMI absolutely agree with this. I have three sisters and two brothers. I have a close relationship only with my brothers and one sister. I rarely see or talk to my two older sisters.
I especially am not close to my second oldest sister. I'll be perfectly honest - she is a snob. We have daughters who are 9 months apart in age, and sons who are 9 months apart in age, but our kids are not close at all. I see that sister and her kids literally twice a year, at Easter and Christmas.
On the contrast, I am very close to my sister in law, my brother's second wife, and her kid from her 1st marriage, even though none of them are any bio relation to me. My daughter has a very close relationship with her stepcousin. My sister in law is more of a sister to me than my older bio sisters are.
I agree that blood alone does not make a family, other than in the very literal sense of the word.
My husband has 15 bio brothers and sisters, and of his entire family, he is only close to maybe two brothers and a sister in law. That's it. It doesn't matter that they are related by blood, the true family bonds and love and support just aren't there.
Sharing DNA does not guarantee a special bond.I am surprised at the number of people that would barge in to this strangers life and possibly turn it upside down because they have some preconceived idea about how a sibling relationship should be.
I grew up with several siblings,I haven't spoken to two of them in years.One is just a jerk and the other,we just dont have anything in common. I feel no bond with either and never have.DNA is not everything.
the number of people telling you to leave it alone hurts my heart. please don't listen to them.
she's your sister. you share dna. you have a special bond even if you didn't know about it until now and she doesn't know yet.
everyone needs their sister.
avoiding a blip of drama in your and/or her life is not worth the regret of missing out on that kind of relationship.
by iviemomJuly 31, 2012 at 11:37 AMFind out where he lived at the time maybe it was a surrounding neighbor? You can go from there
by rednaxelaymJuly 31, 2012 at 11:47 AM
i dont believe in upsetting someones life, just because it would make me feel better. Plus, there is a good chance that this womman knows...and has known, but doesnt have the desire to meet her "family".