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muslimah
I think my time has come. Please those who don't believe don't bash me.
September 24, 2013 at 11:57 PM

 I really can't take any negativity right now so if you think I am nuts please just close the post and move on.

 some of you who have known me going back the 7 years I have on Cafe Mom might remember I used to be very religious. I became very angry with God about some things about 5 years ago and although I never lost my beliefs I lost my spirituality and slowly went farther and farther backwards until I stopped practicing all together.

Because I never lost my beliefs this really was scary to me because I know if I die while my life style is what it is I will have to be punished and probably spend some time in Hell fire.

At the same time you can't just go back for the sake of going back. You have to be ready and feel it in your heart. I wanted so bad to feel it in my heart but I just couldn't. I have said a hundred times that I am one of those people who are going to have to experience some life changing tragedies to open my eyes.

Well I really have not said much about what is going on in my personal life but the unimaginable happened to me a few days before I got sick about 3 weeks ago. My whole life fell apart and I have never felt so much grief and loss. I was beside my self with emotional pain and I couldn't see any possibility of getting over it. I was at the end of my rope.

Then I got sick. I have never in my life been this sick. I have been so sick that my other problem went to the back of mind. As much as I am suffering from sickness now it is worth it because the emotional pain and loss was much worse.

Some times things are a blessing in disguise. God promises us not to give us more than we can bare. I couldn't bare much more of that emotional pain. I think God has given me this sickness to bring me out of what I was going through. I believe God knew I had just about all I could bare. That might sound silly and might not make much sense but I really believe that.

I didn't realize any of this or even realize I was not feeling the emotional pain of my loss until today because I have too sick to think about anything. Then I went to get the mail today and some one sent me a book. There was no return address on the package. The book is called 10 Amazing Muslims Touched By God. In the book was a letter signed by someone named Faisal. He said he hopes this book will bring me peace.

I have no idea who this man Faisal is or how he knows me. It all hit me like a ton of bricks and everything that has happened over the last 3 and half weeks suddenly all made sense.

I think it is my time. It is my time to make astaghfirullah (repentance) and surrender myself back to God. I have come to a cross roads and there is nowhere else to turn.

I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

Replies

  • tanyainmizzou
    September 24, 2013 at 11:58 PM

    Good luck on your journey to find the peace you deserve.

  • muslimah
    September 24, 2013 at 11:59 PM

     

    Quoting tanyainmizzou:

    Good luck on your journey to find the peace you deserve.

     Thank you

  • jessilin0113
    September 25, 2013 at 12:08 AM

    Good luck to you.  I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry for your recent troubles, and hope you find some peace and comfort. 

  • mommajen32
    September 25, 2013 at 12:10 AM

    I will put you in prayer Muslimah. When I was in college a man named Jerry, an elderly black man, would just kinda "show up." It was at a time when I was experiencing a whole lot in life and really losing my path. He would write me short notes w/scripture, mail them and it always seemed to hit exactly what I was going through. I remember the day I was driving to do something very awful ...there he was on the side of teh highway (no lie). He ministered to me, not in a pushy way but in a way that just gives you tingles ...an acknowledgement that there's something to this ... 

    I pray for your journey and that you are so blessed. I am a Christian but I know that we both serve an awesome God that is so full of love ...and just like the prodigal son, he celebrates our return. 

    Peace to you dear and prayers for your healing ...in so many ways! 

  • muslimah
    September 25, 2013 at 12:13 AM

     

    Quoting jessilin0113:

    Good luck to you.  I hope you find what you need. I'm sorry for your recent troubles, and hope you find some peace and comfort. 

     Thank you but I think I had to experience these troubles. I knew things would come to this point one day I just didn't know when. I think these troubles are actually going to turn out to be blessings.

  • Goodwoman614
    September 25, 2013 at 12:13 AM

    Wishing you strength to move through the rough waters,

    and that you find

    peace and stability soon.

  • AlekD
    by AlekD
    September 25, 2013 at 12:14 AM
    (Hugs)

    I don't know what else to say except that I will be praying for you and that the heavens are rejoicing for your returning to God.
  • Shoota
    by Shoota
    September 25, 2013 at 12:17 AM

    You should do what makes you happy. It sounds like you are pretty clear about your path, you just need to find the courage within yourself. And even though you feel beaten down, there is still strength in there somewhere. We are all stronger then we think we are. Its only when we are really put to the test that we start to really understand ourselves. Good luck.

  • gdiamante
    September 25, 2013 at 12:18 AM

    I don't know about Muslim belief, but I can tell you that in Christianity, it's expected we won't live up to it and are always starting over. Every day is a new day with no mistakes in it yet, but because we're fallible humans we WILL make mistakes. It's a given.

    Repentence is part of the Episcopal and Catholic masses every single week, confessing our sins to God and asking forgiveness.

    Quoting muslimah:

    I'm just scared to make the move and then not live up to it. I plan to start reading the book tomorrow.

    I hope things improve for you.

  • muslimah
    September 25, 2013 at 12:19 AM

     

    Quoting mommajen32:

    I will put you in prayer Muslimah. When I was in college a man named Jerry, an elderly black man, would just kinda "show up." It was at a time when I was experiencing a whole lot in life and really losing my path. He would write me short notes w/scripture, mail them and it always seemed to hit exactly what I was going through. I remember the day I was driving to do something very awful ...there he was on the side of teh highway (no lie). He ministered to me, not in a pushy way but in a way that just gives you tingles ...an acknowledgement that there's something to this ... 

    I pray for your journey and that you are so blessed. I am a Christian but I know that we both serve an awesome God that is so full of love ...and just like the prodigal son, he celebrates our return. 

    Peace to you dear and prayers for your healing ...in so many ways! 

     Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your story. And thank you for your prayers I really need them. I have allowed myself to become so worldly and selfish and I knew how wrong I was but i just couldn't bring myself to surrender. I had to hit bottom and now it's time to pick up all the pieces try to repair the damage I have done and crawl back up.

    Thank you for your kindness.

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