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samurai_chica
RE: Syria - The Onion, though satirical, gets it right. in chilling accuracy...
August 30, 2013 at 10:08 AM

So, What’s It Going To Be?

CommentaryOpinionISSUE 49•35Aug 28, 2013
By Bashar al-Assad

Well, here we are. It’s been two years of fighting, over 100,000 people are dead, there are no signs of this war ending, and a week ago I used chemical weapons on my own people. If you don’t do anything about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. If you do something about it, thousands of Syrians are going to die. Morally speaking, you’re on the hook for those deaths no matter how you look at it.

So, it’s your move, America. What’s it going to be?

I’ve looked at your options, and I’m going to be honest here, I feel for you. Not exactly an embarrassment of riches you’ve got to choose from, strategy-wise. I mean, my God, there are just so many variables to consider, so many possible paths to choose, each fraught with incredible peril, and each leading back to the very real, very likely possibility that no matter what you do it’s going to backfire in a big, big way. It’s a good old-fashioned mess, is what this is! And now, you have to make some sort of decision that you can live with.

So, where do I begin? Well, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but let’s start with the fact that my alliance with Russia and China means that nothing you decide to do will have the official support of the UN Security Council. So, right off the bat, I’ve already eliminated the possibility of a legally sound united coalition like in Libya or the First Gulf War. Boom. Gone. Off the table.

Now, let’s say you’re okay with that, and you decide to go ahead with, oh, I don’t know, a bombing campaign. Now, personally, I can see how that might seem like an attractive option for you. No boots on the ground, it sends a clear message, you could cripple some of my government’s infrastructure, and it’s a quick, clean, easy way to punish me and make you look strong in the face of my unimaginable tyranny. But let’s get real here. Any bombing campaign capable of being truly devastating to my regime would also end up killing a ton of innocent civilians, as such things always do, which I imagine is the kind of outcome you people would feel very guilty about. You know, seeing as you are so up in arms to begin with about innocent Syrians dying. Plus, you’d stoke a lot of anti-American hatred and quite possibly create a whole new generation of Syrian-born jihadists ready to punish the United States for its reckless warmongering and yadda yadda yadda.

Okay, what else? Well, you could play small-ball and hope that limited airstrikes to a few of my key military installations will send me the message to refrain from using chemical weapons again, but, c’mon, check me out: I’m ruthless, I’m desperate, and I’m going to do everything I can to stay in power. I’d use chemical weapons again in a heartbeat. You know that. And I know you know that. Hell, I want to help you guys out here, but you gotta be realistic. Trust me, I am incapable of being taught a lesson at this point. Got it? I am too far gone. Way too far gone.

Oh, and I know some of you think a no-fly zone will do the trick, but we both know you can’t stomach the estimated $1 billion a month that would cost, so wave bye-bye to that one, too.

Moving on.

I suppose you could always, you know, not respond with military force at all. But how can you do that? I pumped sarin gas into the lungs of my own people, for God’s sake! You can’t just let me get away with that, can you? I mean, I guess you easily could, and spare yourself all of this headache, but then you would probably lose any of your remaining moral high ground on the world stage and make everything from the Geneva Conventions to America’s reputation as a beacon for freedom and democracy around the world look like a complete sham.

And, hey, as long as we’re just throwing stuff out there, let’s consider a ground invasion for a moment. Now, even if you could reasonably fund a ground invasion, which I’m pretty sure you can’t, what exactly would such an invasion accomplish in the long term? I suppose it’s possible that you could come in and sweep me out the door and that would be the end of it. It’s possible. You know, like, in the sense that seeing a majestic white Bengal tiger in the wild is possible. Or, more likely, you could find yourself entrenched in a full-blown civil war that drags on for 15 years and sets off further turmoil in the rest of the region, leading to even more dead bodies for your country and mine, and even more virulent hatred of America. In fact, boy, maybe this is the one option that should be totally off the table.

Oh, and speaking of me being toppled from power, let’s say, just for fun, that tomorrow I were to somehow be dethroned. Who’s in charge? Half of these rebel groups refuse to work with one another and it’s getting harder to tell which ones are actually just Islamic extremists looking to fill a potential power vacuum. We’ve got Christians, Sunnis, and Shias all poised to fight one another for control should I fall. You want to be the ones sorting through that mess when you’re trying to build a new government? I didn’t think so.

So, all in all, quite the pickle you’re in, isn’t it? I have to say, I do not envy you here. Really curious to see where you go with this one.

I’ll leave you with this: I am insane. Not insane enough to generate worldwide unanimity that I cannot remain in charge of my own country. That would make this a lot easier. No, unfortunately, I’m just sane and stable enough to remain in power and devise cunning military and political strategies while at the same time adhering to a standard of morality that only the most perverse and sociopathic among us would be capable of adopting. But nevertheless, I am insane, so do with that information what you will.

Long story short, I’m going to keep doing my best to hold on to my country no matter what the cost. If that means bombing entire towns, murdering small children, or shooting at UN weapons inspectors, so be it. I’m in this for the long haul. And you will do...whatever it is you’re going to do, which is totally up to you. Your call.

Anyway, let me know what you decide. I’ll be waiting

What should we do about Syria?
  • Only group members can vote in this poll.
  1. 4% - Get involved
  2. 82% - Leave them alone
  3. 12% - Other - Please Explain

Replies

  • anxiousschk
    August 30, 2013 at 10:13 AM

    Ugh.  And this was written *before* the footage showing some sort of chemical attack next to a school.  

  • pamelax3
    August 30, 2013 at 10:28 AM

    Very chilling.. The US at this point is between a rock and a hard spot, there will be no good ending either way we may go

  • samurai_chica
    August 30, 2013 at 10:30 AM

    Very scary....i don't even know what to think about it. I cannot fathom having to make a choie in this matter... 


    Quoting pamelax3:

    Very chilling.. The US at this point is between a rock and a hard spot, there will be no good ending either way we may go


     

  • Bieg9093
    August 30, 2013 at 10:37 AM

     Wow...that really is bang-on, isn't it?

    I can't vote in your poll because I need a third option.  I say exert as much pressure as possible on the UN to do the right thing and then abide by whatever decision comes of it.  I'm tired of the whole ugly American thing.  We've become so predictable. 

    Russia and China probably aren't such big fans of what's going on in Syria either.  If they support a UN military solution, then they diss an ally and would probably be obliged, in some degree, to assist financially or otherwise.  But if they sit back shaking their heads, the US will step up and do the job anyway.  No dissed allies, no cost and BONUS...folks get even MORE pissed off at the Americans.  Way to give our enemies EXACTLY what they want.

    The US is making a worldwide tactical error every time we do what others don't want to do.  And everytime we do it, we reinforce to the world that we'll probably do it again. 

  • pamelax3
    August 30, 2013 at 10:41 AM

     I could not vote on the poll either. I have mixed emotions on this entire topic


    Quoting Bieg9093:

     Wow...that really is bang-on, isn't it?

    I can't vote in your poll because I need a third option.  I say exert as much pressure as possible on the UN to do the right thing and then abide by whatever decision comes of it.  I'm tired of the whole ugly American thing.  We've become so predictable. 

    Russia and China probably aren't such big fans of what's going on in Syria either.  If they support a UN military solution, then they diss an ally and would probably be obliged, in some degree, to assist financially or otherwise.  But if they sit back shaking their heads, the US will step up and do the job anyway.  No dissed allies, no cost and BONUS...folks get even MORE pissed off at the Americans.  Way to give our enemies EXACTLY what they want.

    The US is making a worldwide tactical error every time we do what others don't want to do.  And everytime we do it, we reinforce to the world that we'll probably do it again. 


     

  • AdrianneHill
    August 30, 2013 at 10:44 AM
    assassins. send in the ninjas
  • SilverSterling
    August 30, 2013 at 10:50 AM

    Send in the Cafemom God Squad they can fix anything 

  • samurai_chica
    August 30, 2013 at 10:50 AM
    I added an "other" Option, i would like to hear what some people have in mind. I like the Ninja idea...lol...an army of stealth ninjas may do the trick...
    Quoting pamelax3:

     I could not vote on the poll either. I have mixed emotions on this entire topic


    Quoting Bieg9093:

     Wow...that really is bang-on, isn't it?

    I can't vote in your poll because I need a third option.  I say exert as much pressure as possible on the UN to do the right thing and then abide by whatever decision comes of it.  I'm tired of the whole ugly American thing.  We've become so predictable. 

    Russia and China probably aren't such big fans of what's going on in Syria either.  If they support a UN military solution, then they diss an ally and would probably be obliged, in some degree, to assist financially or otherwise.  But if they sit back shaking their heads, the US will step up and do the job anyway.  No dissed allies, no cost and BONUS...folks get even MORE pissed off at the Americans.  Way to give our enemies EXACTLY what they want.

    The US is making a worldwide tactical error every time we do what others don't want to do.  And everytime we do it, we reinforce to the world that we'll probably do it again. 


     


  • jaxTheMomm
    August 30, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    BANG ON.

  • samurai_chica
    August 30, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Seriously.

    We need a branch of the Military that specialize in Ninja-Ism...or however you would call that...lol...I think some crazy stealth, sneaky, bad ass ninjas who mastered all the martial arts would be so helpful right now. Just sneak in,  take chemical weapons, maybe bitch slap their president & get the heck out of there.


    Quoting AdrianneHill:

    assassins. send in the ninjas



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