ethans_momma06
We Don't Owe You Sex
March 23, 2013 at 11:19 AM

I've been reading so many downright disgusting comments about women and rape now that it has once again made international headlines (India, Ohio, etc. etc.)

I wrote up a blog expressing some thoughts, but here was a key point that I wanted to discuss-

"

People, so many people- are jumping at the bit, justifying rape at the expense of the victim.

She didn’t say no soon enough. She was a tease. She dressed a certain way. She hung out in the wrong venue. She put herself in a bad position (drinking, drugs).

Here’s the thing I’m hearing here:

Women are walking around, available to screw any time a guy wants to. UNLESS she says no."

Do you agree with that conclusion? That some people seem to think that sex is okay-expected- unless they object (soon enough), vs. sex isn't expected, deserved, etc UNLESS she consents? What do you feel is causing statements like the above examples to be made?

Replies

  • ReadWriteLuv
    March 23, 2013 at 12:25 PM

    You need serious help if you blame yourself. 

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     

    Quoting ReadWriteLuv:


    Quoting jehosoba84:

     

     I agree. I'm referring to the women who dress baring everything and drink/use drugs among strangers.  They are not usually in a state to say no, but throughout the evening they've been saying "Yes" with their bodies.   I'm not referring to forcible rape.

    I need to walk away now. 

    I assure you that even though I had entirely too much to drink that night, I wasn't asking for it. Women like you kind of make me sick. 

     Well, thanks. My actions that night made me sick to think about later on too. Too much to drink to even realize what was going on, but not drunk enough for me not to remember the next day. I speak from experience on this.


  • jehosoba84
    March 23, 2013 at 12:26 PM

     Yes, it does.  

    Quoting PinkParadox:

    It still comes down to the man not being able to control himself.

  • survivorinohio
    March 23, 2013 at 12:26 PM

    I totally agree.  A man who does not understand this is seriously lacking.  This is what we need to teach our sons.  Unhealthy couplings will not enhance their lives. 

    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

     Even if a woman is drinking and drugging; I feel that is even MORE reason to back away!!!! It is quite obvious when a person is inebriated and therefore can not give consent. A person who has sex with an inebriated person is not obtaining consent and therefore it is forced (aka rape).


    Quoting PinkParadox:

    Drinking & drugs are certainly a separate issue, but the amount of skin shown is irrelevant. Period. Woman should be able to show as much skin as they want. Why? Because nakedness does not equal sex. Ever.

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     


    Quoting PinkParadox:

    So, at the end of the day, we are responsible for the action of men? Men are brainless beasts with no personal accountability? Men have no responsibility for themselves? Absolutely not. But the way women dress these days...Don't you see that you're inviting the wrong kind of attention? And don't women have any sort of self-preservation, getting drunk/high/etc with people they don't know? Where is their sense of personal responsiblity? No, it does not mean that they 'deserve' it. But they are asking for it. I speak from personal experience in this matter.

    I personally think everyone should walk around naked, because this would be a non issue.

    People will jump down my throat, but I blame organized religion for most of our current society issues.



    Quoting jehosoba84:


     Maybe my thinking is a product of the society I live in.   But if I go out, dressed like a skank, get drunk among strangers.... I really shouldn't be surprised if I get taken advantage of. By that.. I don't mean forcible rape. I mean he's drunk, and I'm drunk. Things happen that I didn't want to happen. According to law, that is rape.   



     In my opinion, a woman can dress very classy/sexy without baring breasts and wearing mini skirts. That kind of clothing send a very clear message. Men are visually oriented, we all know this. So why do we as women dress the way we do (leaving nothing to the imagination) and then act all surprised when we get 'unwanted' attention from it?


     

     


  • mehamil1
    March 23, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    So were you raped? If so, THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have the right to get as shit faced as you want, that doesn't mean someone could take advantage of that and have sex with you. That was just plain wrong. You are not to blame for that at all. The piece of shit human garbage is at fault for that, not you. Never you. Oh my God open your eyes! You did nothing wrong!! 

    Quoting jehosoba84:
    Quoting ReadWriteLuv:
    Quoting jehosoba84:

     I agree. I'm referring to the women who dress baring everything and drink/use drugs among strangers.  They are not usually in a state to say no, but throughout the evening they've been saying "Yes" with their bodies.   I'm not referring to forcible rape.

    I need to walk away now. 

    I assure you that even though I had entirely too much to drink that night, I wasn't asking for it. Women like you kind of make me sick. 

     Well, thanks. My actions that night made me sick to think about later on too. Too much to drink to even realize what was going on, but not drunk enough for me not to remember the next day. I speak from experience on this.

  • parentalrights1
    March 23, 2013 at 12:28 PM
    Oh and I can display what isn't for sale. My big pregnant belly was never available to be rubbed. Only to be shown off. My big expensive case is displayed to be seen. Not touched.

    If a car is on display to be sold, I don't just steal it. I have to have permission and be able to buy it first.

    You don't just stick a penis in a woman just because she likes to flaunt what she's got. It's for looks. If you get permission to touch or have sex then you may.


    Quoting jehosoba84:

     I said they're asking for unwanted attention. I think that the way you dress and act with your body (baring all and rubbing up against them) clearly says you're open to idea of sex. Unless she says No.  The things I've said relate more to a scene in a bar/etc with people getting drunk. I'm not referring to random assaults and forcible rape.


    Quoting ReadWriteLuv:


    Don't backpeddle. You said that anyone who dresses in that fashion is asking to be raped. So, if your friend in your instance had actually been raped, not danced with, by your line of thinking it would be her fault. 


    Quoting jehosoba84:


     


    Quoting FromAtoZ:




    Quoting jehosoba84:


     Maybe my thinking is a product of the society I live in.   But if I go out, dressed like a skank, get drunk among strangers.... I really shouldn't be surprised if I get taken advantage of. By that.. I don't mean forcible rape. I mean he's drunk, and I'm drunk. Things happen that I didn't want to happen. According to law, that is rape.   


     In my opinion, a woman can dress very classy/sexy without baring breasts and wearing mini skirts. That kind of clothing send a very clear message. Men are visually oriented, we all know this. So why do we as women dress the way we do (leaving nothing to the imagination) and then act all surprised when we get 'unwanted' attention from it?


    I understand what you are saying.  But no man should 'assume' any woman, regardless of her outfit or otherwise, is all for having sex.......unless she tells him so with her words and nothing else.  I'm really trying to explain my thoughts on this without making it seem like I'm just making excuses for men. But you say she must tell him so with words. Women are much more verbal than men. they are more visual creatures. In *his* mind she has already told him she would be open to sex by the way she dressed and acted. Can you really blame him to thinking so? So to me, it's not 'unless she tells him so with words' it's more like 'unless she tells him no with words.'   Did that make sense?


    Recently, I was out with a few people, different ages, the youngest being 21.  She was dancing with friends, by way of doing nothing more than bending over and shaking her ass.  All the while her boobs were hanging out of her top.


    Some guy comes up behind her, on the dance floor.  She does not stand up or move away.  They are 'dancing', by way of her shaking her ass in his groin and he is grinding up against her. 


    When the song ends, she starts to complain that he had a hard on.  What the hell did she expect?!?  She did not move away when he came up behind her to 'dance' and she then continued to 'dance' in the same manner the rest of the evening.  


    Now, even though I found her behavior to be rather disgusting and her attitude as well, even though she put herself out there in such a way, no one should have assumed they could have sex with her unless she absolutely agreed.


    But the attention she got..........she brought on herself.  If she had not wanted that kind of attention she would have acted in a different manner.  


    Some people, regardless of male or female, want all the attention they can get, up to the point of sex.  This only tells me that person has some issues for seeking that type of attention but it, in no way, should be a determination of if they want, or should, be engaged in any sexual activity.


     




     


  • ethans_momma06
    March 23, 2013 at 12:28 PM


    I read a comment recently where a guy said that if a girl was at a bar, that meant she was open to sex. If she wasn't, she'd be with a group of trustworthy friends who would "protect her" from making drunken choices.

    Do you see how many insane variables there ARE to a woman "asking for it"? The thing is, it's a no unless she says yes. How she dresses, how she talks, what she smells like, how much makeup she has on- where she is-

    none of those are a consent to yes.

    They are not her asking for it.

    And the fact that we continue that myth helps many feel justified against the people they attacked and victimized.

    That's wrong.

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     I said they're asking for unwanted attention. I think that the way you dress and act with your body (baring all and rubbing up against them) clearly says you're open to idea of sex. Unless she says No.  The things I've said relate more to a scene in a bar/etc with people getting drunk. I'm not referring to random assaults and forcible rape.

    Quoting ReadWriteLuv:
  • Ms.KitKat
    March 23, 2013 at 12:28 PM

     First off, a request. Please do not insert your quote INSIDE mine. It is very difficult to read and it appears that YOUR words are mine; it makes it very difficult to follow especially when other posters here are trying to follow the opinions of others. TY:)

     If a girl has been kissing up on a guy(who may also be inebriated) and rubbing all over him all evening, to me, she has already told him yes.

    When it comes to drugging/drinking, there can not be fully informed consent. period. and when it is say a woman who is drunk/drugged and the man who is less so or not at all, then he knows full well that he is "taking advantage" aka raping and no woman's actions when drunk/drugged can be taken as fully informed consent as she is drugged and drunk.

     

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     

    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

     Even if a woman is drinking and drugging; I feel that is even MORE reason to back away!!!! It is quite obvious when a person is inebriated and therefore can not give consent.

     A person who has sex with an inebriated person is not obtaining consent and therefore it is forced (aka rape).

     

    Quoting PinkParadox:

    Drinking & drugs are certainly a separate issue, but the amount of skin shown is irrelevant. Period. Woman should be able to show as much skin as they want. Why? Because nakedness does not equal sex. Ever.

    It invites that kind of attention. Like granny said in above post, "If it's not for sale, stop advertising it." <--my new favorite quote.

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     


    Quoting PinkParadox:

    So, at the end of the day, we are responsible for the action of men? Men are brainless beasts with no personal accountability? Men have no responsibility for themselves? Absolutely not. But the way women dress these days...Don't you see that you're inviting the wrong kind of attention? And don't women have any sort of self-preservation, getting drunk/high/etc with people they don't know? Where is their sense of personal responsiblity? No, it does not mean that they 'deserve' it. But they are asking for it. I speak from personal experience in this matter.

    I personally think everyone should walk around naked, because this would be a non issue.

    People will jump down my throat, but I blame organized religion for most of our current society issues.



    Quoting jehosoba84:


     Maybe my thinking is a product of the society I live in.   But if I go out, dressed like a skank, get drunk among strangers.... I really shouldn't be surprised if I get taken advantage of. By that.. I don't mean forcible rape. I mean he's drunk, and I'm drunk. Things happen that I didn't want to happen. According to law, that is rape.   



     In my opinion, a woman can dress very classy/sexy without baring breasts and wearing mini skirts. That kind of clothing send a very clear message. Men are visually oriented, we all know this. So why do we as women dress the way we do (leaving nothing to the imagination) and then act all surprised when we get 'unwanted' attention from it?


     

     

     

     

  • Tish_Hughes
    March 23, 2013 at 12:29 PM
    That's stupid. I'm in the army and even with ACUs on, which is designed to hide everything, men make comments. Hair pulled back, covered from head to toe yet here they are-making comments.

    What a foolish way of thinking. The way a person is dressed doesn't up their chances of being raped. What about tomboys that dress like boys who still get raped? Guess she should have put more thought into those loose fitting jeans and that Adidas shirt.


    Quoting jehosoba84:

     Maybe my thinking is a product of the society I live in.   But if I go out, dressed like a skank, get drunk among strangers.... I really shouldn't be surprised if I get taken advantage of. By that.. I don't mean forcible rape. I mean he's drunk, and I'm drunk. Things happen that I didn't want to happen. According to law, that is rape.   


     In my opinion, a woman can dress very classy/sexy without baring breasts and wearing mini skirts. That kind of clothing send a very clear message. Men are visually oriented, we all know this. So why do we as women dress the way we do (leaving nothing to the imagination) and then act all surprised when we get 'unwanted' attention from it?

  • Citygirlk
    March 23, 2013 at 12:29 PM

    No she's hasn't. 

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     

    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

     Even if a woman is drinking and drugging; I feel that is even MORE reason to back away!!!! It is quite obvious when a person is inebriated and therefore can not give consent. If a girl has been kissing up on a guy(who may also be inebriated) and rubbing all over him all evening, to me, she has already told him yes. A person who has sex with an inebriated person is not obtaining consent and therefore it is forced (aka rape).


    Quoting PinkParadox:

    Drinking & drugs are certainly a separate issue, but the amount of skin shown is irrelevant. Period. Woman should be able to show as much skin as they want. Why? Because nakedness does not equal sex. Ever.

    It invites that kind of attention. Like granny said in above post, "If it's not for sale, stop advertising it." <--my new favorite quote.

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     


    Quoting PinkParadox:

    So, at the end of the day, we are responsible for the action of men? Men are brainless beasts with no personal accountability? Men have no responsibility for themselves? Absolutely not. But the way women dress these days...Don't you see that you're inviting the wrong kind of attention? And don't women have any sort of self-preservation, getting drunk/high/etc with people they don't know? Where is their sense of personal responsiblity? No, it does not mean that they 'deserve' it. But they are asking for it. I speak from personal experience in this matter.

    I personally think everyone should walk around naked, because this would be a non issue.

    People will jump down my throat, but I blame organized religion for most of our current society issues.



    Quoting jehosoba84:


     Maybe my thinking is a product of the society I live in.   But if I go out, dressed like a skank, get drunk among strangers.... I really shouldn't be surprised if I get taken advantage of. By that.. I don't mean forcible rape. I mean he's drunk, and I'm drunk. Things happen that I didn't want to happen. According to law, that is rape.   



     In my opinion, a woman can dress very classy/sexy without baring breasts and wearing mini skirts. That kind of clothing send a very clear message. Men are visually oriented, we all know this. So why do we as women dress the way we do (leaving nothing to the imagination) and then act all surprised when we get 'unwanted' attention from it?


     

     

     


  • mehamil1
    March 23, 2013 at 12:29 PM

    Men can control themselves. Rapists choose not to and target women in vulnerable states. That is no one's fault but his. 

    Quoting jehosoba84:

     Yes, it does.  

    Quoting PinkParadox:
    It still comes down to the man not being able to control himself.