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survivorinohio
So let me share a little bit
January 30, 2013 at 11:58 PM

Many know that for a long time we had a whole houseful here.  It was Bill , b, my oldest dd, her 2 kids, her boyfriend , a long term family friend and me.

J, the friend, moved out last yr and is doing well and we survived financially. 

The time has come for my dd to go.  I know she will be ok financially as she just got a raise and its likely she will be running the store she works in before long.  Her boss is having fertility treatments and wants to stop working and have a baby so DD will be doing fine financially.  I am very happy for her. 

It has been hard all living together.  It will be much easier and quieter around here, I am wise enough to know that but boy am I going to miss those kids. She is going to stay in the area and I think I will still be watching them a bit but they have been here always so its going to be a mixed bag for me lol

Financially its gonna be pretty damn tough.  Dont come in here telling me to get a job lol I have a very small window of what I can earn without affecting hubbys hc.

So hubby who has wanted the house to himself is now not dealing well with the reality of that.

He is not behaving well.  For those who may not know he is sick.  He has a lot of masses in his lungs that are inoperable but slow growing.  As of the last scan the growth has subsided for now.  He had a lot of bleeding in his lungs last fall but that is better too.

If he keeps on the path he is on he will become abusive and I will have to leave or make him leave,  How do you leave a dying man? That is my confusion.

I am sure there will be those who say I shouldnt have shared any of this here.

I am sorry.  I spend time with you ladies here and to an extent some of you deserve to know whats up with me,

Replies

  • futureshock
    January 31, 2013 at 11:39 AM


    Quoting survivorinohio:

    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs.  I am not saying I couldnt do any job but it would need to be pretty tailored.

    Also as I said there is a cap on what I can earn without jeopardizing his hc. Its not much, like 500 or less a mo I think.

    Quoting futureshock:

    Why is this upsetting?  Getting out of the house may make your life better and happier and might diffuse the tension between you and your husband.


    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.

    Quoting survivorinohio:

    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.  I am really upset about the kids leaving, big time,.

    I keep telling myself all the toys that will leave and the mess that will just be gone and that all really does make me smile but lil dude and I chill on the couch for a while together every day and I am really going to miss his sister and him




    I didn't realize this, that must be painful.  You should apply for disability.


    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs

  • survivorinohio
    January 31, 2013 at 11:40 AM


    Quoting futureshock:

    I am so sorry about your husband.  What is causing these masses in his lungs? 

    What does he say when you tell him what you have told us, at least the part of him becoming abusive?

    How does your having a job impact his healthcare?

    They dont know and his lungs are in too bad of shape to do a telling biopsy.  They did a scraping and a rinse in June that we learned nothing from..  Dr says we will never know the why and they are big and plentiful and inoperable  he says it may very well be a slow growing cancer and named sarcoid as a possibility/

    what do you mean?

    I explained in my prev reply to you..

  • survivorinohio
    January 31, 2013 at 11:42 AM


    Quoting futureshock:


    Quoting survivorinohio:

    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs.  I am not saying I couldnt do any job but it would need to be pretty tailored.

    Also as I said there is a cap on what I can earn without jeopardizing his hc. Its not much, like 500 or less a mo I think.

    Quoting futureshock:

    Why is this upsetting?  Getting out of the house may make your life better and happier and might diffuse the tension between you and your husband.


    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.

    Quoting survivorinohio:

    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.  I am really upset about the kids leaving, big time,.

    I keep telling myself all the toys that will leave and the mess that will just be gone and that all really does make me smile but lil dude and I chill on the couch for a while together every day and I am really going to miss his sister and him




    I didn't realize this, that must be painful.  You should apply for disability.


    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs

    I began and stopped.  I do need to begin again. I have been assured that it will go through by drs.

  • futureshock
    January 31, 2013 at 11:47 AM


    Quoting survivorinohio:


    Quoting futureshock:


    Quoting survivorinohio:

    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs.  I am not saying I couldnt do any job but it would need to be pretty tailored.

    Also as I said there is a cap on what I can earn without jeopardizing his hc. Its not much, like 500 or less a mo I think.

    Quoting futureshock:

    Why is this upsetting?  Getting out of the house may make your life better and happier and might diffuse the tension between you and your husband.


    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.

    Quoting survivorinohio:

    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.  I am really upset about the kids leaving, big time,.

    I keep telling myself all the toys that will leave and the mess that will just be gone and that all really does make me smile but lil dude and I chill on the couch for a while together every day and I am really going to miss his sister and him




    I didn't realize this, that must be painful.  You should apply for disability.


    I am pretty crippled up at this point.  My hands and my legs

    I began and stopped.  I do need to begin again. I have been assured that it will go through by drs.

    Good, don't give up.  That will help financially, right?  You will also get money back retroactively from when you formally begin the process so hurry up!

  • Euphoric
    January 31, 2013 at 11:50 AM

     I'm sorry. Hugs

  • ausomezombie2.0
    January 31, 2013 at 11:52 AM
    ((hugs))
  • merryvoice
    January 31, 2013 at 1:58 PM
    I am so sorry you're going through such a rough time! I offer my sincerest sympathies and prayers.
  • survivorinohio
    January 31, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    Yes dh has been taking prednisone for a yr and an inhaled steroid too.  I know its relavent to all of his ability to cope.  Its so hard when they get sick:(  Give your mama a hug for me.

    I will think about it.  For me the who tends to matter and I have had awesome relationships with counsellors in the past but also a few horrific experiences so I am cautious.

    When I was married to my ex, who really was a monster, the counsellor we were seeing started a fight so he could learn from it and my ex gave quite a show.  It was pretty awful and when my ex left the counsellor was very apologetic.  In hindsight I think he was young and trying and wasnt prepared for the level of mental illness present in that man lol.  Made me distrustful of some therapists though like I said I had some good experiences during my divorce.

    I feel so much better today.

    Quoting NWP:

    Yes for him the prednisone and cocktail of anti-rejection drugs, immune suppressors was a terrible thing emotionally and physically. As his step daughter, I was shielded from a lot of it and had a little more emotional distance...although he was more of my "real dad" than my dad and I cared very much about him. My mother has her own mental health issues that led into her feelings about it. I don't think I realized until he was gone how much HE was actually HER caregiver about some things...LOL...

    At the time, the transplant was considered an experimental surgery so his health care wouldn't cover it. He lost his job because he could not take off the time needed to leave the state, have the surgery, go through the aftercare. It took months. She had to quite work so they could get social services to pay for the tremendous cost of the surgery and after care. They lost their home. I took summers off from college to help work and support them during this time. There were times she considered divorcing him just so that she could return to work without messing up his health care. They eventually found work as  managers of a condo complex. It let them live for free and paid a small stipend for collecting the rents and keeping up with the general yard work. They contracted all the maintenance work out. I was suggesting the counseling more for you to help you deal with this emotional stress. There are low cost and even free places to seek counceling. If you can locate a care givers support group they may be able to help with this resource. It is such an enormous burden to carry.

    Quoting survivorinohio:


    Quoting NWP:

    Rene, my step dad had a heart transplant a few decades ago. They gave him approximately five years to live at the time. We were part of a very small community of families who received or were waiting for transplants from the same hospital system. It was my first exposure to a group of people who knew they were going to die.

    From my experience it isn't uncommon to see personality changes in the dying person. As the years went on (he actually lived for 10) he became more emotional, and self-centered. He blew all the family money on crazy stuff, ran up credit cards and threw tantrums, acted basically like a spoiled child every time he didn't get his way. We were tolerant as we could. It has been many years since his passing and I have fond memories of him, but my mother is still bitter from his shift at the end.

    One of the things that got us through was the built in support group in the families that were going through the same thing with their loved ones around us. If you are not in a support group, I would suggest you seek one out. Can the doctor recommend counseling for your family?

    This is a tough time. I am sorry you have to go through this. Know you are not alone though.

    I know all the steroids he takes play a part in this all too.  When they are sick it is way more confusing lol.  I dont want to be bitter.

    I have cared for people some of whom I loved very much as they became altered and said and did things that were unthinkable but I think the mindset I had for those people is much different than I have for my dh and I dont know if I can adopt that caregiver attitude but I think I need to.

    A dupport group isnt a bad idea.  I will look into it as my time is freed up.  I do not think he will be open to counseling. 

    Thank you for your thoughts.



  • NWP
    by NWP
    January 31, 2013 at 2:27 PM

    I agree with you about counsellors. I have only had one that I really liked, and she was soooooooo worth it. Unfortunately, none I have met since have measured up:(

    Quoting survivorinohio:

    Yes dh has been taking prednisone for a yr and an inhaled steroid too.  I know its relavent to all of his ability to cope.  Its so hard when they get sick:(  Give your mama a hug for me.

    I will think about it.  For me the who tends to matter and I have had awesome relationships with counsellors in the past but also a few horrific experiences so I am cautious.

    When I was married to my ex, who really was a monster, the counsellor we were seeing started a fight so he could learn from it and my ex gave quite a show.  It was pretty awful and when my ex left the counsellor was very apologetic.  In hindsight I think he was young and trying and wasnt prepared for the level of mental illness present in that man lol.  Made me distrustful of some therapists though like I said I had some good experiences during my divorce.

    I feel so much better today.

    Quoting NWP:

    Yes for him the prednisone and cocktail of anti-rejection drugs, immune suppressors was a terrible thing emotionally and physically. As his step daughter, I was shielded from a lot of it and had a little more emotional distance...although he was more of my "real dad" than my dad and I cared very much about him. My mother has her own mental health issues that led into her feelings about it. I don't think I realized until he was gone how much HE was actually HER caregiver about some things...LOL...

    At the time, the transplant was considered an experimental surgery so his health care wouldn't cover it. He lost his job because he could not take off the time needed to leave the state, have the surgery, go through the aftercare. It took months. She had to quite work so they could get social services to pay for the tremendous cost of the surgery and after care. They lost their home. I took summers off from college to help work and support them during this time. There were times she considered divorcing him just so that she could return to work without messing up his health care. They eventually found work as  managers of a condo complex. It let them live for free and paid a small stipend for collecting the rents and keeping up with the general yard work. They contracted all the maintenance work out. I was suggesting the counseling more for you to help you deal with this emotional stress. There are low cost and even free places to seek counceling. If you can locate a care givers support group they may be able to help with this resource. It is such an enormous burden to carry.

    Quoting survivorinohio:


    Quoting NWP:

    Rene, my step dad had a heart transplant a few decades ago. They gave him approximately five years to live at the time. We were part of a very small community of families who received or were waiting for transplants from the same hospital system. It was my first exposure to a group of people who knew they were going to die.

    From my experience it isn't uncommon to see personality changes in the dying person. As the years went on (he actually lived for 10) he became more emotional, and self-centered. He blew all the family money on crazy stuff, ran up credit cards and threw tantrums, acted basically like a spoiled child every time he didn't get his way. We were tolerant as we could. It has been many years since his passing and I have fond memories of him, but my mother is still bitter from his shift at the end.

    One of the things that got us through was the built in support group in the families that were going through the same thing with their loved ones around us. If you are not in a support group, I would suggest you seek one out. Can the doctor recommend counseling for your family?

    This is a tough time. I am sorry you have to go through this. Know you are not alone though.

    I know all the steroids he takes play a part in this all too.  When they are sick it is way more confusing lol.  I dont want to be bitter.

    I have cared for people some of whom I loved very much as they became altered and said and did things that were unthinkable but I think the mindset I had for those people is much different than I have for my dh and I dont know if I can adopt that caregiver attitude but I think I need to.

    A dupport group isnt a bad idea.  I will look into it as my time is freed up.  I do not think he will be open to counseling. 

    Thank you for your thoughts.




  • LilyofPhilly
    January 31, 2013 at 2:35 PM
    Sorry you are going through this. Keep talking to your husband. Maybe you can figure it out.

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