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survivorinohio
So let me share a little bit
January 30, 2013 at 11:58 PM

Many know that for a long time we had a whole houseful here.  It was Bill , b, my oldest dd, her 2 kids, her boyfriend , a long term family friend and me.

J, the friend, moved out last yr and is doing well and we survived financially. 

The time has come for my dd to go.  I know she will be ok financially as she just got a raise and its likely she will be running the store she works in before long.  Her boss is having fertility treatments and wants to stop working and have a baby so DD will be doing fine financially.  I am very happy for her. 

It has been hard all living together.  It will be much easier and quieter around here, I am wise enough to know that but boy am I going to miss those kids. She is going to stay in the area and I think I will still be watching them a bit but they have been here always so its going to be a mixed bag for me lol

Financially its gonna be pretty damn tough.  Dont come in here telling me to get a job lol I have a very small window of what I can earn without affecting hubbys hc.

So hubby who has wanted the house to himself is now not dealing well with the reality of that.

He is not behaving well.  For those who may not know he is sick.  He has a lot of masses in his lungs that are inoperable but slow growing.  As of the last scan the growth has subsided for now.  He had a lot of bleeding in his lungs last fall but that is better too.

If he keeps on the path he is on he will become abusive and I will have to leave or make him leave,  How do you leave a dying man? That is my confusion.

I am sure there will be those who say I shouldnt have shared any of this here.

I am sorry.  I spend time with you ladies here and to an extent some of you deserve to know whats up with me,

Replies

  • Ms.KitKat
    January 31, 2013 at 7:44 AM

     I am so sorry to hear of your struggles.

    In regards to the job and the other demands your dh is making of you= please recognize that is HIM expressing his concerns and he is taking it out on you. My gut is telling me he does not truly expect you to get  job but rather he is worried about money, kwim?Just listen to him and let him talk.

    I am concerned for you with the domestic violance. Can you make a plan with your dd that if need be- you can go live with her? Don't let him or anyone else guilt you into staying with an abusive person in a toxic relationship- even if he is dying. My gut is also telling me- he may be playing you with that too- his thinking: I can treat her like crap and she'll take it because I'm dying. You said it yourself- he has been stable for a long time now.

    I can understand how it is very scary for you- your life is changing and a lot of that change is not your doing or planning but your chidlren gaining independence. Is there anything that YOU can do- a plan for you that would  love to do/accomplish once you finally have the house all to yourself.

    Quoting survivorinohio:

    Him telling me to get a job tonight has me upset.  I am really upset about the kids leaving, big time,.

    I keep telling myself all the toys that will leave and the mess that will just be gone and that all really does make me smile but lil dude and I chill on the couch for a while together every day and I am really going to miss his sister and him


     

  • Woodbabe
    January 31, 2013 at 7:47 AM

    Big hugs to you sweetie...I have no advice, my only question is can you two move someplace smaller and more affordable? Would that alleviate his stress?

  • sneffy014
    January 31, 2013 at 7:52 AM

     


    Quoting Mommy_of_Riley:

    I am not sure what advice I have to offer... I am so sorry you have to deal with any of this but you have alway seemed like a strong woman to me. Sick or not, abuse in a relationship is never okay. :-/


     I agree.

  • NWP
    by NWP
    January 31, 2013 at 7:53 AM

    Rene, my step dad had a heart transplant a few decades ago. They gave him approximately five years to live at the time. We were part of a very small community of families who received or were waiting for transplants from the same hospital system. It was my first exposure to a group of people who knew they were going to die.

    From my experience it isn't uncommon to see personality changes in the dying person. As the years went on (he actually lived for 10) he became more emotional, and self-centered. He blew all the family money on crazy stuff, ran up credit cards and threw tantrums, acted basically like a spoiled child every time he didn't get his way. We were tolerant as we could. It has been many years since his passing and I have fond memories of him, but my mother is still bitter from his shift at the end.

    One of the things that got us through was the built in support group in the families that were going through the same thing with their loved ones around us. If you are not in a support group, I would suggest you seek one out. Can the doctor recommend counseling for your family?

    This is a tough time. I am sorry you have to go through this. Know you are not alone though.

  • candlegal
    January 31, 2013 at 7:56 AM

    Rene, hang in there and I will keep all of you in my prayers.  Make sure you take care of yourself as well as him.

  • survivorinohio
    January 31, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    Just to be clear, if he hits me he will go to jail.  I will not tolerate him attempting to hurt me physically.

    now if he is weak and sick and hits me I dont know that I will do that but if he is up and seemingly well I will not have it.

    Thank you for your kind words.  I will be ok and I am glad I could use this board as an outlet.

    If it bites me as it has in the past I can weather that and writing it all out like this does help me *shrug*


  • survivorinohio
    January 31, 2013 at 9:14 AM


    Quoting NWP:

    Rene, my step dad had a heart transplant a few decades ago. They gave him approximately five years to live at the time. We were part of a very small community of families who received or were waiting for transplants from the same hospital system. It was my first exposure to a group of people who knew they were going to die.

    From my experience it isn't uncommon to see personality changes in the dying person. As the years went on (he actually lived for 10) he became more emotional, and self-centered. He blew all the family money on crazy stuff, ran up credit cards and threw tantrums, acted basically like a spoiled child every time he didn't get his way. We were tolerant as we could. It has been many years since his passing and I have fond memories of him, but my mother is still bitter from his shift at the end.

    One of the things that got us through was the built in support group in the families that were going through the same thing with their loved ones around us. If you are not in a support group, I would suggest you seek one out. Can the doctor recommend counseling for your family?

    This is a tough time. I am sorry you have to go through this. Know you are not alone though.

    I know all the steroids he takes play a part in this all too.  When they are sick it is way more confusing lol.  I dont want to be bitter.

    I have cared for people some of whom I loved very much as they became altered and said and did things that were unthinkable but I think the mindset I had for those people is much different than I have for my dh and I dont know if I can adopt that caregiver attitude but I think I need to.

    A dupport group isnt a bad idea.  I will look into it as my time is freed up.  I do not think he will be open to counseling. 

    Thank you for your thoughts.

  • mikiemom
    January 31, 2013 at 9:14 AM

    Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? A counselor, clergy etc.

  • she_walk_softly
    January 31, 2013 at 9:16 AM

    Im sorry for what you and your husband are going through. All I have is hugs and well wishes for you.

  • lga1965
    by lga1965
    January 31, 2013 at 9:19 AM

     im sorryI don't know what to say except thtat I hope things get better and that there is an answer to what to do, how to deal with it.

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