paganbaby
Is this punishment too harsh?
January 25, 2013 at 1:08 PM

My 13yo dd has been driving me nuts.

She snuck off and dated a boy behind my back. (That got her into a scary situation) She's hanging around kids and getting into trouble, got kicked out of the corner store, having attitude with adults. She's neglecting her chores and homework in favor of facebook and friends. And now the latest battles is clothes. Thank God her school has uniforms but outside of school I'm constantly telling her to change her clothes or add legging or an undershirt.

It comes down to the fact that I can't trust her. So I came up with a plan. I walk her to and from school. I accompany her to the park and rec center when she hangs out with her friends (her little brother and sister come too) When we leave she leaves too. I put a pass word on the computer and she's only allowed on after her homework and chores are done.

She wants to know how long this will go on. I told her until she can prove to me that she's responsible. So now I am officially the worst mother ever,lol.

Do you think this punishment is too much?
  • Only group members can vote in this poll.
  1. 3% - Yes. She's a teenager now not a small child. She needs to have her freedom.
  2. 43% - This isn't punishment. Children this age need to be supervised.
  3. 52% - I agree with it for now but she should slowly be able to earn her freedom back.

Replies

  • gludwig2000
    January 25, 2013 at 4:23 PM

     I personally think that you are doing the right thing, and there will come a day when she will thank you for your efforts. Hell, I can't tell you how many times I heard my kids say that I was over protective, but now, I have gotten thanks from at least one of them, and all of then know what I was trying to protect them from. Thank God, I don't have to go threw this anymore though, because my youngest is now 18, woohoo!!Lol

  • GLWerth
    by GLWerth
    January 25, 2013 at 4:32 PM

    I'd let her earn small pieces of her freedom back, with the proviso that if she screws it up, she's losing it again.

    If she can behave responsibly, she can get the privileges that responsibility brings. If not, then she's not ready for the freedoms she wants.

  • FromAtoZ
    January 25, 2013 at 4:36 PM


    Quoting paganbaby:


    Quoting FromAtoZ:


    Quoting paganbaby:

    She dated a boy behind my back. She told me they were just friends. Whenever she went to his house it was always as a group, or so I thought :-/

    Quoting FromAtoZ:

     I did not vote, by the way.  There is not an option that I completely agree with.

    Also, what do you mean she snuck a boyfriend?  


    Ahhh, gotcha.

    My daughter is not allowed to 'date' either.  But that does not stop them from liking a different boy each damn week. lol  There is one boy, in particular, who she really liked.  He liked her as well.  His mother and I became friends.  He could come over and hang out, his brother joined him now and again. I was pretty blunt with them both and if they crossed the line he was gone, never to return.  She never went to his house.  For what ever reason, he was here more.  That was fine by me.  They are just friends and pretty good friends.  

    She isn't allowed to go out in groups yet.  I just don't see the need for it.  Yet. If she and her friends want to do any thing, I am there.  So far, no one has yet to complain and all the other mothers are on the same page.  

    I see a group of kids she knows, from school, walking around the base, going to different places, every Friday night.  They have no business doing so and they have no real purpose other than walking around.  They were finally rounded up and their parents were told they need to actually be at a place with a purpose, otherwise, stay home.  I giggled.  Granted, this is on a base.

    She has gone to a few JV football games with friends without me.  So, I guess, be definition, she has done a few things in groups without me.  lol  I retract. lol  During the day, however.  Not going to happen at night.  Tomorrow night the high school has their huge spirit game, basketball.  Of course she wants to go.  Great. Sounds like fun.  Guess who else is going? lol  Myself and her dad.  She can sit with her friends but she damn well knows who will be keeping an eye on her. lol

    Seriously though, removing all they claim to love but fail to take care of can do a lot of good.  But not for just a few days.  They have to earn it back and that takes time and commitment.

    I find myself liking you more and more,lol. I have a concern though.

    I worry that by "babysitting" her so much right now that she won't learn how to self regulate later. As my mom reminded me, in a short 5 years she'll be an adult. That's a seriously scary thought to me. She's sooo naive. I'm afraid that if I do give her freedom down the road to date, go places without supervision (I'm thinking 16 or so) she'll end up pregnant or worse :-( I want to teach her responsibility now but I'm not sure how. My dd doesn't exactly have an abundance of common sense...

    Yes, in a few short years they will be adults.  With my older girls, they were not allowed to 'date' until they were 16 and even then, they had to be able to legally drive the car they were getting in to.  The driver had to show proof of license and insurance and I had to meet, and feel comfortable, with the parents. One wrong move and it ended.  My oldest, when she and her boyfriend were 17.....we learned he no longer had insurance on his vehicle.  She was forbid to get in to that car until he showed proof of insurance.  Took a while but he did and then she was allowed to go.  Not just any where, mind you.

    At this age, in my opinion, dating should not even be an option.  Now, we all know that they are going to hang out with what ever boy is the weeks favorite, while at school, at a game or if they happen to be at the same place at the same time.  I know I did. lol  But to actually allow them to 'date' is not something I could ever agree with.  There are strict boundaries and lines that damn well better never be crossed.  And strict and tough consequences when/if they are.

    Talk with  your daughter.  Extensivley, often.  My daughter is a bit naive. She is very mature in some ways and not so much in others.  She does have two older sisters (21 and 18) that she has learned from.  From watching them, remembering how situations were handled and such.  She is a follower, not a leader. *sigh*  Because of this, I have to keep a close eye on all things.  Most times, she doesn't know I am watching, listening and learning.  She finds herself floored that I know so much about people, situations and such.  I talk to others and I listen, listen, listen.  This is a small community. People talk.  I listen. I also hold no misgivings when it comes to my kiddo. She can do any thing at any given time.  She is not perfect and I am fully expecting some major screw ups.  But right now, for however long it lasts, she tells me 98% of things and I ask about her, her friends and such every day.  I am open and honest with her about ALL things and only when I know I need to do I 'pull rank' and put my foot down with certain people, places and things.  There are a few friends I dislike and I don't care what they think.  They are not allowed in my home and she is not allowed in their home.  I don't hide it.  

    Her best friend, if you will remember the threads here, ended up pregnant at age 12.  My daughter learned a hell of a lot from that experience.  I was extremely proud of how she handled it all.  She stood by her friend but still realized her friend made a huge mistake and her friend's parents failed miserably.  They are still friends but only on a hi/bye basis.  The girls and her boyfriend are still together.  Disguists  me.  If she ends up pregnant again, I would not be surprised.  

    There is a line of priorities and as important as a social life is to young girls, it cannot be allowed to be their main focus.  Easier said than done but it must be handled. 

    Stick to your rules and the consequences that you set for her.  No matter what.  When she improves and sustains, praise her, but not too much.  

    Keep your ears and eyes open at all times.  Any sign you think you see, follow up on it.  Follow your instincts.  No one knows your daughter the way you do.  Remember that.  All the while, keep in mind they are not meant to tell us every thing.  That doesn't mean we can't find out on our own. lol

    It's not easy but it doesn't have to always be that hard either. :)

  • paganbaby
    January 25, 2013 at 4:43 PM

    That's something I thought very hard about. I don't feel that she's mature enough to have a boyfriend. She was making out with her last boyfriend after having had her first (chaste) kiss not even a month before on a dare. But at the same time I just know she'd lie and date behind my back again. If this kid who was a heavy handed ass could convince her to swap spit what could a smooth talking boy get her to do?? *Hyperventilating* I will not be a grandmother at 30, I will not be a grandmother at 30.

    Dating under strict parental supervision doesn't sound like a bad compromise. I just hope she doesn't go out and get into trouble the moment I lift this ban...

    Quoting radioheid:

    Also, let me add, I think the punishment fits the crime. My only suggestion, which is of course just a suggestion based on my own opinion/life experience, is to perhaps go a little lax on the dating. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and only after my parents met the boy and his parents. This was unrealistic. Not the part about meeting the boy and his parents---that's fine, and I had no problem with my folks meeting Corey and his mom (my first serious boyfriend), but the 16 age requirement was a little unreasonable. We usually start taking note of people we're attracted to between 12 and 14, so I think it is perfectly acceptable for a 13-year old to date, providing you've met the kid and his/her parent(s), and have arranged for the dates to be chaparoned until the kid reaches an age at which you're comfortable cutting him or her loose (for me this would be 16).  I had several boyfriends my parents didn't know about. One of them is now my (soon-to-be-ex) husband. Secrets are NEVER a good thing.


  • FromAtoZ
    January 25, 2013 at 4:47 PM


    Quoting paganbaby:

    That's something I thought very hard about. I don't feel that she's mature enough to have a boyfriend. She was making out with her last boyfriend after having had her first (chaste) kiss not even a month before on a dare. But at the same time I just know she'd lie and date behind my back again. If this kid who was a heavy handed ass could convince her to swap spit what could a smooth talking boy get her to do?? *Hyperventilating* I will not be a grandmother at 30, I will not be a grandmother at 30.

    Dating under strict parental supervision doesn't sound like a bad compromise. I just hope she doesn't go out and get into trouble the moment I lift this ban...

    Quoting radioheid:

    Also, let me add, I think the punishment fits the crime. My only suggestion, which is of course just a suggestion based on my own opinion/life experience, is to perhaps go a little lax on the dating. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and only after my parents met the boy and his parents. This was unrealistic. Not the part about meeting the boy and his parents---that's fine, and I had no problem with my folks meeting Corey and his mom (my first serious boyfriend), but the 16 age requirement was a little unreasonable. We usually start taking note of people we're attracted to between 12 and 14, so I think it is perfectly acceptable for a 13-year old to date, providing you've met the kid and his/her parent(s), and have arranged for the dates to be chaparoned until the kid reaches an age at which you're comfortable cutting him or her loose (for me this would be 16).  I had several boyfriends my parents didn't know about. One of them is now my (soon-to-be-ex) husband. Secrets are NEVER a good thing.


    Don't let her out without you.  She is still a child and if she is doing as you say, she does not need to be out without responsible supervision.


  • TruthSeeker.
    January 25, 2013 at 4:49 PM

     I don't think it was punishment enough. I would have taken FB away and revoked her hanging out with anyone privileges if she snuck off to date an older boy at 13.

  • jehosoba84
    January 25, 2013 at 4:56 PM

     Oh my. I wish you luck. I have no advice from a parenting or teen perspective as I was an absurdly good kid and my kids are still in grade school.

  • Luv.My.Kidz
    January 25, 2013 at 5:05 PM

    Punishment fits the "crime" so to speak. 

  • TranquilMind
    January 25, 2013 at 5:19 PM

    You don't look old enough to have a 13 year old!  I have a 13 year old and I could be your Mom!  Arrgh. 

    Anyway,  right there with you as the "worst mom".   Sometimes you have to protect them against their will.

    Government schools are an awful place.  My oldest entered high school at 13.  The following two years were not pleasant.  She's out of there now, and improving.

    I will say this.  We've had a couple of really hard years.  When I stopped trying to control (while still being vigilant -nothing gets by me) and started trying to rebuild the relationship that was causing her to rebel against me in the first place and encourage her to make better choices, things got better.  There is a great book about this called, "Hold on to Your Kids".  I've read every book out there I think, but this one was the best. 

  • afwifeandmommy3
    January 25, 2013 at 5:22 PM
    I think 30 days and then she can earn one thing back at a time . She messes up she starts over .