JavaLadybug2
Are parents letting themselves off the hook for parenting responsibilities?
December 30, 2012 at 8:41 AM

 

I have seen many post's on here of late saying things like.. "Well I can't control everything my kid does.." or "When I'm not there what can I do if my kid does x, y or z?"

And I honestly am getting sick of hearing people make excuses about why THEIR CHILD can do anything they want.. and the parent pretty much agnowledges that they have given up the right or ability to discipline or correct bad choices or behaviors in their child!?

I am sorry I think that is half the reason behind kids getting pregnant, starting to drink, do drugs etc.

Kids know.. Mom feels powerless. Dad won't back up anyrules in the house.. etc.

So How do you feel about this?

edit 

If your child commits a crime when your not arround.. ARE YOU LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE? Better bet your butt! 

If your child commits a driving violation.. when your not arround.. Do you still have to deal with insurance.. and court? Better bet your butt.. Why is it ok to say in other situations that your not responsible when legally we know that you would have to be in other instances..  

BEING THERE doesn't change your responsibility to make a child aware of your expectations of them. It doesn't change your responsibility to raise RESPONSIBLE ADULTS..  

 


Replies

  • blues_pagan
    December 30, 2012 at 1:29 PM

    And this isn't directed right at you lol but I thought it would fit.


    FTR:  My mom was a single mom for a good portion of my childhood.  She was on welfare, food stamps and other type of assistance.  She worked hard but had not yet received a GED, she dropped out of HS at 16.  We didn't have much growing up.  We lived in a single wide trailer that was rented to us by my maternal grandfather.  Life was hard.  But you know what she managed to raise me and I am a 8 year veteran and soon to be medical school student, my sister who works with toddlers at a daycare and is stable with a DH and a DD, and my brother who is still in Highschool but is very involved in FFA and other agriculture areas in school.

    Quoting lga1965:

     Its so good to read positive replies here at CM!

    Sounds like your parents did a great job raising you!  :-)

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    I did things I am not proud of and I did get in trouble for them.  But I never did get out of hand or crazy.

    When I left home and thought about all I did I actually called my mom and apologized.  She laughed at me.  She said that we were cake compared to what she heard other parents deal with.  She thought we were wonderful kids.  

    Quoting lga1965:

     Yup. I did push the envelope occasionally too but it wasn't anything major like alcohol, drugs,sex, trouble at school. It was more like staying up too late reading and having a hard time getting up the next morning! Or not cleaning my room. :-)

    My kids felt the same way,I guess, because they were good kids ( They are all adults in their 40's with their own kids who stay out of trouble too...)

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    Same here.  Not to say that I didn't do things that I knew was kind of wrong but I think that is what teens do.  They push the line sometimes.  

    But I was well behaved not because I feared my parents but more because I wanted them to be proud of me and I didn't want to disappoint them.

    Quoting lga1965:

     

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    I was raised thinking that no matter what I did mom and dad would find out about it and there would be hell to pay if I did something wrong.  To add to it we lived in a small town where everyone knew each other.  News traveled fast.  Helped me to stay in line.

     Same here.

    And I wanted to please my parents. I couldn't stand it if they disapproved or said they were disappointed in me. It really kept me in line ,too.


     


     


  • TranquilMind
    December 30, 2012 at 1:31 PM

    You must have young kids.  In their late teens, you really have no control at all. You'd better pray that what you sowed into them over the years was good and will reap what you want to see.  I sounded just like you when I had little kids.

    And you are incorrect.  If you child does something you are LIABLE, not responsible.  You didn't do it.  You don't pay the penalty for it.  You simply must make restitution. 

    I was/am a homeschooler and have always been with my kids nearly all the time, training them up in the way they should go.  And let me tell you, each made a dumb decision here and there.  You just won't produce those perfect children no matter how hard you try. 

     

  • lga1965
    by lga1965
    December 30, 2012 at 1:33 PM

     goodway to go

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    And this isn't directed right at you lol but I thought it would fit.

     

    FTR:  My mom was a single mom for a good portion of my childhood.  She was on welfare, food stamps and other type of assistance.  She worked hard but had not yet received a GED, she dropped out of HS at 16.  We didn't have much growing up.  We lived in a single wide trailer that was rented to us by my maternal grandfather.  Life was hard.  But you know what she managed to raise me and I am a 8 year veteran and soon to be medical school student, my sister who works with toddlers at a daycare and is stable with a DH and a DD, and my brother who is still in Highschool but is very involved in FFA and other agriculture areas in school.

    Quoting lga1965:

     Its so good to read positive replies here at CM!

    Sounds like your parents did a great job raising you!  :-)

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    I did things I am not proud of and I did get in trouble for them.  But I never did get out of hand or crazy.

    When I left home and thought about all I did I actually called my mom and apologized.  She laughed at me.  She said that we were cake compared to what she heard other parents deal with.  She thought we were wonderful kids.  

    Quoting lga1965:

     Yup. I did push the envelope occasionally too but it wasn't anything major like alcohol, drugs,sex, trouble at school. It was more like staying up too late reading and having a hard time getting up the next morning! Or not cleaning my room. :-)

    My kids felt the same way,I guess, because they were good kids ( They are all adults in their 40's with their own kids who stay out of trouble too...)

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    Same here.  Not to say that I didn't do things that I knew was kind of wrong but I think that is what teens do.  They push the line sometimes.  

    But I was well behaved not because I feared my parents but more because I wanted them to be proud of me and I didn't want to disappoint them.

    Quoting lga1965:

     

    Quoting blues_pagan:

    I was raised thinking that no matter what I did mom and dad would find out about it and there would be hell to pay if I did something wrong.  To add to it we lived in a small town where everyone knew each other.  News traveled fast.  Helped me to stay in line.

     Same here.

    And I wanted to please my parents. I couldn't stand it if they disapproved or said they were disappointed in me. It really kept me in line ,too.


     


     


     

  • jajumommy2000
    December 30, 2012 at 1:34 PM

     Some kids are asses. No matter what the parent does. A parent can try everything around and it still doesnt work. I see it all the time. I live it everyday. I made some whopper mistakes raising him, however I also did some major work trying to get him help. Since he was 2 1/2 years old. For whatever reason, there is something missing from my kid. No manner of therapy, meds or treatment will help, or have helped. Nothing except a very intensive in patient program, that I cant afford of course, will help at this point.

    And as far as in IL, if my kid committed a crime, I WOULD NOT be responsible for fines or going to jail myself. That would be on him. He would be responsible for fines. They could not come after me. He would end up in detention, not me. If he got into a car accident and was on MY insurance, yes I would be responsible, or make him pay. If he was on his dads insurance, HE would be responsible.

    However, I do agree, whether a parent is around or not, they are ultimately the parent. I try and tell my clients that all the time. Just because you were around when your kid got hurt, doesnt mean you arent responsible. You chose the caregiver you placed them with so you are responsible.

    I would also like to know who old OPs kids are. Mine are 17(troubled kid) and 12) Raised the same, yet DS has severe issues that DD doesnt even come close to.

  • FromAtoZ
    December 30, 2012 at 1:41 PM


    Quoting jajumommy2000:

     Some kids are asses. No matter what the parent does. A parent can try everything around and it still doesnt work. I see it all the time. I live it everyday. I made some whopper mistakes raising him, however I also did some major work trying to get him help. Since he was 2 1/2 years old. For whatever reason, there is something missing from my kid. No manner of therapy, meds or treatment will help, or have helped. Nothing except a very intensive in patient program, that I cant afford of course, will help at this point.

    And as far as in IL, if my kid committed a crime, I WOULD NOT be responsible for fines or going to jail myself. That would be on him. He would be responsible for fines. They could not come after me. He would end up in detention, not me. If he got into a car accident and was on MY insurance, yes I would be responsible, or make him pay. If he was on his dads insurance, HE would be responsible.

    However, I do agree, whether a parent is around or not, they are ultimately the parent. I try and tell my clients that all the time. Just because you were around when your kid got hurt, doesnt mean you arent responsible. You chose the caregiver you placed them with so you are responsible.

    I would also like to know who old OPs kids are. Mine are 17(troubled kid) and 12) Raised the same, yet DS has severe issues that DD doesnt even come close to.

    I feel for you. Your situation with your child brings to mind the situation of my niece and her 17 year old son.

    He is finally in a program within a mental institution.  We pray the help is correct but more so, that he is willing to help himself.  He has refuted all attempts his mother made to help him. It is up to him.  He was born bad.  Not to mention, when my niece was married to his father, for 17 years, every attempt she made he undid.  His son was not wrong nor bad, he was just a boy being a boy.  *sigh* 

    He was caught shoplifting back in Oct.  His mother was financially responsible, on his behalf, for the fine.  She must appear in court on 1/9, as his legal guardian.  She sought the advice of a lawyer because it is the USAF that is bringing to charges, wanting to charge him as an adult.  They will screw you left and right if you are not careful.  Due to this being his first offense it should be thrown out, the fine was paid immediately.  His being in a facility may have been his saving grace, if he chooses to acknowledge it.  They could very well reserve the charges to see if he removes himself from the treatment program once he is 18.  That would be a grave mistake on his part, for many reasons, but he will be legally able to do so.

    Every child is different in some way and as awful as it sounds, some are born in a manner that lends to their life being more difficult.

  • MeAndTommyLee
    December 30, 2012 at 1:54 PM

    I feel the way you do OP.  For months and months all I read on CM is that parents feel powerless to raise their own children because of societal and financial pressures.  I think it's BS.  I've raised 7 children and never, ever had a problem with them when it came to sex, drugs, refusing to go to school, gangs or peer pressure.  My family is not rich, but we did make certain that a parent stayed home with our children.  Parents simply don't feel the need to be a prevailing presence in their children's lives because they have been conditioned by decades of single-parenthood to use it as an excuse.   Throwing ones hands up is allowing society to raise your child seems to be the norm.   The worse thing a parent can do is allow daycare and school to raise their children.  They possess no moral standards.  Morals and moral responsibility are too passe. 

  • SRUsarahSC
    December 30, 2012 at 2:12 PM

    I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.

  • FromAtoZ
    December 30, 2012 at 2:50 PM


    Quoting MeAndTommyLee:

    I feel the way you do OP.  For months and months all I read on CM is that parents feel powerless to raise their own children because of societal and financial pressures.  I think it's BS.  I've raised 7 children and never, ever had a problem with them when it came to sex, drugs, refusing to go to school, gangs or peer pressure.  My family is not rich, but we did make certain that a parent stayed home with our children.  Parents simply don't feel the need to be a prevailing presence in their children's lives because they have been conditioned by decades of single-parenthood to use it as an excuse.   Throwing ones hands up is allowing society to raise your child seems to be the norm.   The worse thing a parent can do is allow daycare and school to raise their children.  They possess no moral standards.  Morals and moral responsibility are too passe. 

    You must live amongst some interesting people.

    In all my years, I have certainly known of a few parents who do 'parent' the way you and the OP feel most do.

    But it is most certainly not the 'norm' as you seem to think.   

    Most times, when some one feels this is the normal way of others, they are judging based on assumptions.  Blinded by their own set of morals they believe every one should adhere to.  

    I've read your posts enough, and agree with many, to have caught of glimpse of  your morals.  I commend them and agree with them.  We have raised our children much in the same manner.

    However, I cannot expect every one else to raise their children in the manner I have done or will continue to do.  Those whose morals fall short of my own are not always lacking but just go about doing things differently.

    Even so, even the best laid out plan for parenting does not mean that a child, with a brain and a personality all their own, will not do as they damn well please at some point, going against their parents.

    Also, many parents must work, single or not, in order to provide for their children.  There is no shame in that and those who attempt to point that finger cannot see outside their own four walls.


  • FromAtoZ
    December 30, 2012 at 2:51 PM


    Quoting SRUsarahSC:

    I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.

    Who is 'they', exactly??

  • SRUsarahSC
    December 30, 2012 at 2:53 PM

    any parent who blames everyone and everything else for why their child doesn't listen/is a mini criminal, what have you.  

    Quoting FromAtoZ:


    Quoting SRUsarahSC:

    I'll keep it simple. YES OP, THEY ARE.

    Who is 'they', exactly??