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S/O Domestic Violence Facts: Signs of DV - Are You in An Abusive Relationship? Update with Videos
by yarn582
December 9, 2012 at 6:30 PM

Signs of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is not always easy to recognize, but the signs are usually there. Abuse can be in many forms, from emotional to physical to sexual. The following are some of the signs that the person you are with may be abusive:

  • The person repeatedly lies to you and breaks promises.
  • The person withholds affection in order to get power over you.
  • The person shows extreme jealousy and tries to keep you from family, friends, or interests.
  • The person insults or puts you down.
  • The person violates your privacy, going through your possessions without permission.
  • The person threatens you.
  • The person tries to control you, telling you how to dress, where to go, what to eat, what to do, etc.
  • The person attempts to cause you pain or injury.
  • The person punches, kicks, shakes, slaps, or restrains you.
  • The person attacks you with a weapon or thrown objects.
  • The person causes pain or injures you.
  • The person forces their attention on you, either verbally or physically.
  • The person rapes you.
  • The person injures or threatens to injure the family pet.
  • The person threatens to injure your children.
  • The person injures your children.

The Cycle of Violence

The Cycle of Violence. Phase One: Tension Building. Phase Two: Abusive Incident. Phase Three: Honeymoon Period.Domestic violence is not just a one-time incident, but a pattern of behaviors over time. Most abusive relationships follow a cycle of violence, which has three stages: tension building, explosive incident, and honeymoon stage. The lengths of each stage can vary from seconds to years.

During the Tension Building phase, the warning signs of abuse begin to appear. They may repeat, they may change each time, but they are there.

  • There are more arguments between the abuser and the victim.
  • The abuser yells at the victim for no apparent reason.
  • The abuser accuses the victim of acts they did not do, such as sleeping around, flirting with other people, cheating.
  • The victim feels as if they cannot do anything right, and are afraid to do anything to make the situation worse.

During the Explosive Incident phase, the abuse occurs. It may be mental, physical, or sexual, but it is always an intense outburst.

  • The abuser threatens the victim with physical violence.
  • The abuser hits, grabs, shoves, kicks, or otherwise physically attacks the victim.
  • The abuser screams and yells violently.
  • The abuser throws objects across the room.
  • The abuser injures a family pet.
  • The abuser rapes or sexually assaults the victim.

During the Honeymoon Stage phase, the abuser tries to justify or minimize the abuse. They may treat the victim with extreme kindness as they try to "make up" for the attack, and try to keep the victim from fleeing. The abuser may also try to make the victim feel responsible for the abuse, so they will not blame the abuser or press charges.

  • The abuser apologizes and promises that it will never happen again.
  • The abuser tells the victim they love them.
  • The abuser buys the victim gifts, such as flowers or jewelry, to "make up" for the abuse.
  • The abuser makes excuses for the abuse, often blaming the victim for the abuse ("you made me do it", "it was only a little slap, it's not like I really hurt you", "you know that always makes me angry", "you know how stressed I've been lately because of work", and many others).

As a cycle, the phases repeat themselves: after the honeymoon stage, the tension eventually starts building again, which leads to another explosive incident. Over time, the tension building phase takes less time to lead to the explosion, which becomes more violent and dangerous, and the honeymoon stage becomes shorter and shorter.



  • ashellbell
    December 9, 2012 at 6:31 PM
    Thank you for posting this.
  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 9, 2012 at 6:32 PM

    I was, for 6 years.

  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 9, 2012 at 6:32 PM


  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 9, 2012 at 6:35 PM

    Quoting ashellbell:

    Thank you for posting this.

    welcomed.  I am a survivor.

  • Joqui
    by Joqui
    December 9, 2012 at 6:38 PM

    I'm printing this and posting it on my fridge. I have some teenage girls that come to my house and I believe they need to read and recognize, I find that a lot of teenage relationships are abusive. Which saddens me

  • Blue_Spiral
    December 9, 2012 at 6:40 PM

    Early in the relationship my ex and I were having a friendly discussion. There was no anger, no unkind things being said, except that we both knew we disagreed on some things.

    Suddenly he started screaming at me, without any apparent trigger, saying I brought it up just to make him angry. He went and ripped up my favorite tapestry. 

    I was crying and apologizing and he wouldn't calm down. He acted like I had just... idk, tried to kill him or something. The level of anger was so irrational.

    So, then, after that all he had to do was threaten to break things that were special to me if he didn't want to do something, or whatever, and I would let it go because I was scared of losing more things I loved.

    There were thousands of other examples of his abuse and as time went on the abuse did finally turn physical, but I just thought that was an example I might contribute to the discussion.

  • nysa76
    by nysa76
    December 9, 2012 at 6:50 PM

    Perfect timing... Just posted in Newcomer's group about a man I was dating very recently.

  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 10, 2012 at 9:10 AM

  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 10, 2012 at 9:19 AM

    To 10 Signs You Are in An Abusive Relationship

  • yarn582
    by yarn582
    December 10, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    These simple facts can make a huge difference in the fight against domestic violence. Simply mentioning facts makes domestic violence an acceptable topic of conversation and can make a difference in the life of a survivor.

    Top 10 Alarming Facts About How Domestic Violence Impacts Kids
    1. 63% of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder kill the man who was abusing their mother
    2. 75% of boys who are present when their mothers are beaten were later identified as having demonstrable behavior problems
    3. Children from homes characterized by domestic violence are five to seven times more likely to experience significant psychological problems relative to children in the general population.
    4. Domestic violence exposed children are four times more likely to visit the school nurse.
    5. More than half of school age children in domestic violence shelters show clinical levels of anxiety or post-traumatic stress disorder.
    6. Researchers have linked exposure to chronic abuse and violence with lower IQ scores, poorer language skills, decrements in visual-motor integration skills and problems with attention and memory.
    7. Cognitive problems associated with exposure to violence and abuse comprises one of the most direct threats to the developmental task of school adaptation and academic achievement.
    8. Witnessing violence as a child is associated with adult reports of depression, trauma-related symptoms and low self-esteem among women and trauma-related symptoms among men
    9. Children in homes where domestic violence occurs are physically abused or seriously neglected at a rate 1500% higher than the national average in the general population.
    10. 3.3 million children witness domestic violence each year in the US.

    We’ve put together a short video which shows 10 Alarming Domestic Violence Statistics You Didn’t Know, which is sure to make you question the silence which surrounds domestic violence. 

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