I haver ecently become a single parent( my husband passed away). My son is fourteen and has aspergers. we are having alot of trouble communicating. i do no understand this argumentative attitude. standing my ground involves a lengthy shouting match and frankly i am worn out. Any suggestions?
Sit down with your son when it is calm and tell him you all can't live that way and what can you both do to try to calm those times or avoid them.
My son and I did this and every now and then readdress it - his idea was that he needed to just go to his room until he calmed down. Then he comes out and we sit and discuss, etc.
Discussing does not mean he gets his way or talks inappropriately, etc. But, he will actually listen to why I say he needs to do something or he can't do something. Also, he isn't so upset he can't communicate with me. And above all, the one thing that must remain is calm (you have to keep your calm which is soooo hard - I know when they want to shout it's hard to do). I just say calmly until he gets it 'Go to your room until you can discuss this'.
Good Luck -
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. It must be tough raising your son without him and your son probably is missing his dad as well.
So firstly, your guy is a teenager. He is being a "normal" teen. This is the age at which they start pushing back so some flexibility is needed. My other guess is that he is probably hurting in his own way about his dad passing. Is he seeing a grief therapist? Could you also get him a mentor through school? He will be going through things over the next few years, that as a boy, it will be tough to tell mom.
The other piece of advice I have is to pick your battles. Some are worth having and others are just not for your own sanity so that you are not feeling worn out. Do you have anyone at all to help you out? Grandparents maybe that can take him for a weekend? It sounds like you both can use a break from one another.
But he's being a "normal" teen in some ways. From now until he turns 19/20, the mouth will be never ending.
I always give mine choices: You can keep this up and you will lose computer OR you can chill out and then you can do whatever it is that you are asking. It gives them some control back.
Oh boy.. you have your hands full like I did when my son was that age. I agree with dmsf that you have to pick your battles. Even now that my son is 18 we still butt heads sometimes but I have learned that some things are just not worth butting heads over. You need to sit down when it is calm and talk to your son in simple terms what you are going thru when you both have these arguments. I have learned that if I draw out the converstation then I get the deer in the headlights look.
Also another thing you can do is charts or checklists for the things that drive you crazy the most. LIke when he gets done putting his clothes away mark a check next to it. Lists helped us alot!
Also I have learned that if you can get your son into some type of animal therapy that works the best. My son got to do horse therapy and he worked thru so much grief and anxiety that he is such a different person now than he was just 2 years ago. All in all he is going to need some type of grief therapy for missing his dad. Teen's with Aspergers dont know how to tell us how they feel exactly so they take it out on whatever is around. Therapy Therapy Therapy is a must for him!
Welcome to the group! I know this is a difficult time for you dealing with the loss of your husband, but it is also a difficult time for him dealing with his loss, too. You might want to get him into grief counseling. You might also want to update the school and see if he can talk to the counselor there some. In two years, you might want to get him involved with a job coach to evaluate him for college and his skills through the school in the Special Education department to help him transition to adulthood. He is probably also worried about his future at this point. You might want to check out these resources:
I am so sorry for your loss. My son is 18, and he too lately has been very combative with me too. Its a constant struggle. It feels like he has taken 10 steps backward. I get what you mean about the screaming match, its almost sometimes the only way Tyler(my son) hears me.... But just yesterday when I told him he couldnt do something, he accepted it, and I didnt have to repeat myself... 100 times...LOL.. But I wonder too if right now your son is going thru a bunch of different emotions about the death of your husband and doesnt know how to handle them. I know my son will tell my MOM things he doesnt tell me, do you have anyone like an Aunt or Uncle or Grandparent maybe he could open up to about what he has been feeling, and maybe that would help him too. Just a Suggestion
Lots of Luck
First, my sympathies on losing your husband.
I like the idea of going to his room until he can calm down, problems cannot get solved until the parties involved can actually sit and talk. When our son gets mouthy, we take away privliledges such as his Ipod or computer time or chess club time, he enjoys these immensely, so it does not take long for him to get himself straight. He usually comes to me and gives me a hug and apologizes for doing whatever he did wrong.