40ish and beyond...

JodyLane555
How to deal with mom when you dont really like her
February 16, 2013 at 6:26 PM

So I do love my mom, she is getting older, 67. We lived apart for many years and 2 yrs ago I asked her to move closer (and her husband). Since then I have gotten to know her as a person and although i do love and care about her I am not sure how to deal with things.

Basically and to sum up, she is emotionally damaged which has made her have very low if any self esteem, she is extremely negative in general, she over over analyzes everything to death, she is paranoid, she thinks everyone including the grocery store employees, librarians, doctors, neighbors etc dislike her or are out to get her in some way.

I have tried to talk honestly to her but that always backfires or does no good, I have tried to email her little inspirational quotes, I try to just listen and be supportive or without seeming like its on purpose try to turn the conversation into a positive to help her see a different point of view on whatever the subject of the hour is. I dont really spend as much time with her as in the past, we dont go to each others homes often (even though she lives 5 min away and I have kids).

Anyway what do you do if you have someone in your life you love, like your aging parent, but dont like? I feel sorry for her and just wish she could be happy and positive about life, she has so much to be happy about but cant see it through the fog of negativity.


Thanks for "listening"


Replies

  • dana63
    by dana63
    February 16, 2013 at 6:36 PM

     I am so sorry! I am not sure what to say because I cant be around negative people for very long. I think what I would do is keep placing the positive thoughts to her and hope she wil get the hint but she is set in her ways and I dont think she can change.

  • cuteoverload
    February 16, 2013 at 6:53 PM

     

    Toxic relationships defined

    There are many different types of friends — some people become ultra-close, others are work friends or gym friends. Toxic friends though, are the ones that don’t offer you much in the way of support. So-called friends who mooch your money, strain your sanity, take up all of your time or put you in situations where you simply don’t feel comfortable are not friends at all. These are also the people who aren’t easily blown off because they either don’t get the hint that you don’t share their friendly feelings or because they just don’t like taking no for an answer.

    How to say goodbye

    While it may be difficult — and it may sound mean — the best way to end this kind of toxic friendship is to be honest and simply say that you don’t think you should be friends anymore. But then what? If she pushes for an explanation, which she probably will, don’t waste your energy listing all the reasons why she’s become a burden. Simply let her know that you want to focus on the positive things in your life. This should clue her in to the fact that she’s not one of them.

    Between real friends, family, careers and social activities, you’re too busy to waste time on people who bring you down. Your time is valuable. Make the most of it by streamlining your social circle to include only the people who really matter to you.

  • Lovemyshadows
    February 16, 2013 at 7:03 PM

    Just listen and acknowledge her. You can't change her if she doesn't want to.  Ask her things about her childhood.   Perhaps she will have some happy memories.  Best of luck to you.

  • finlyhappy65
    February 16, 2013 at 7:08 PM

    I would say you need to find your boundaries, what you will allow to affect you.  YOu can't "fix" her, you can accept her and define your own relationship with her.  You can love someone and not agree with their behaviour or attitudes - no matter what their age or relationship.

    HUGS HUGS HUGS

  • gonecrazi
    February 16, 2013 at 7:30 PM

     I have an aging Mom too. She is 75. I live 10 minutes from her and don't visit her much. We really don't have much in common. She loves to gossip about my siblings and I say live and let live. I do make sure she is not alone on holidays or during hurricanes, I bring her to my house. I even bring her bird. Aging parents are hard to deal with sometimes.

  • starlight1968
    February 16, 2013 at 8:15 PM

     ugh I know what you mean.  Right now I am not talking to my mom or either of my sister's because they are basically "toxic" for me.  I'm lucky tho that my stepdad is younger than my mom, so he's there to take care of her when she is older & needs it.

    HUGS

  • MentorMom1
    February 16, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    You are a wise daughter. You aren't in the fog of negativity and are breaking the cycle. Somewhere along the line your mom became a victim for valid reasons. Possibly because her needs weren't met during her childhood. That you can't talk with her authentically is sad. You just can't reach inside and "switch" on her awareness, no matter how much you'd like to. She needs help, and you know that. If she is negatively affecting your ability to function as a mom and wife, and to be happy in your own life, you have to make some decisions. You can try to talk to her until you're blue in the face, send her positive messages, prayers and everything, but it may not make a dent in her.

    Know that she is in pain. She has so much pain that she projects it outward onto others. Even when there is no one hurting her, her pain is at a cellular level, so ingrained that she has to create it even when there's no one hurting her.

    Read Maggie Scarf's Secrets, Lies and Betrayals: The Body Mind Connection. See if you can find out about healing past emotional trauma. There's lots of new info on why people are the way they are. Check out Harvard's Center for the Developing Child, click on Resources on the left and look at everything, including the forum on Toxic Stress. Your mom needs to release the pain she's storing so she can stop living by her old "tapes." She needs to be on "record" instead of "play."

    Also, check out Bruce Lipton's work on YouTube, too. God bless you for being an aware, mindful woman. You need to keep  yourself emotionally healthy for you and your family.  There is only so much you can do for your mom. She needs to want to help herself.

     

  • Dqnana
    by Dqnana
    February 16, 2013 at 9:04 PM

    Sounds like a visit to a caring doctor and encouraging her to try some medication might make her life a bit more enjoyable.  If she just got a taste of life with out having to peer through the fog of negativity and paranoia and depression, she just might like it!

  • Dqnana
    by Dqnana
    February 16, 2013 at 9:06 PM

    Yo .... this is not some "friend".  This is her MOTHER!!!  You can't just casually say,"Well ... you re a bummer, so Bu Bye."  


    Quoting cuteoverload:


    Toxic relationships defined

    There are many different types of friends — some people become ultra-close, others are work friends or gym friends. Toxic friends though, are the ones that don’t offer you much in the way of support. So-called friends who mooch your money, strain your sanity, take up all of your time or put you in situations where you simply don’t feel comfortable are not friends at all. These are also the people who aren’t easily blown off because they either don’t get the hint that you don’t share their friendly feelings or because they just don’t like taking no for an answer.

    How to say goodbye

    While it may be difficult — and it may sound mean — the best way to end this kind of toxic friendship is to be honest and simply say that you don’t think you should be friends anymore. But then what? If she pushes for an explanation, which she probably will, don’t waste your energy listing all the reasons why she’s become a burden. Simply let her know that you want to focus on the positive things in your life. This should clue her in to the fact that she’s not one of them.

    Between real friends, family, careers and social activities, you’re too busy to waste time on people who bring you down. Your time is valuable. Make the most of it by streamlining your social circle to include only the people who really matter to you.



  • Mariagma3
    February 16, 2013 at 9:17 PM

     

    Quoting Dqnana:

    Yo .... this is not some "friend".  This is her MOTHER!!!  You can't just casually say,"Well ... you re a bummer, so Bu Bye."  

     

    Quoting cuteoverload:

     

    Toxic relationships defined

    There are many different types of friends — some people become ultra-close, others are work friends or gym friends. Toxic friends though, are the ones that don’t offer you much in the way of support. So-called friends who mooch your money, strain your sanity, take up all of your time or put you in situations where you simply don’t feel comfortable are not friends at all. These are also the people who aren’t easily blown off because they either don’t get the hint that you don’t share their friendly feelings or because they just don’t like taking no for an answer.

    How to say goodbye

    While it may be difficult — and it may sound mean — the best way to end this kind of toxic friendship is to be honest and simply say that you don’t think you should be friends anymore. But then what? If she pushes for an explanation, which she probably will, don’t waste your energy listing all the reasons why she’s become a burden. Simply let her know that you want to focus on the positive things in your life. This should clue her in to the fact that she’s not one of them.

    Between real friends, family, careers and social activities, you’re too busy to waste time on people who bring you down. Your time is valuable. Make the most of it by streamlining your social circle to include only the people who really matter to you.

     

     

    She is trying to give some general info. I'm sure she realizes this is her Mother!

     

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