40ish and beyond...
Our 23 yr old daughter went to her dad's for dinner last night, planning to spend some quality time with him. Instead - big surprise - he yelled at her for taking out a student loan to pay for school. Apparently despite the fact that she changed her address to my house (since this is where she lives), the college didn't update her records and sent her loan paperwork to his house (which she put as her permanent address when she first enrolled as a freshman, since she was initially living in a dorm, and then later various apartments; she needed a "real" physical address. Her dad opened the student loan paperwork and pitched a fit, even though he hasn't been helping her with tuition, didn't offer this time around, and then in the same freakin' breath told her she needs to go for a master's degree. So let's get this straight: she is somehow supposed to magically come up with tuition and living expenses for 2 more years - but she can't borrow it?! And yet he's demanding she go to grad school?! And he didn't offer her any other solution or financial assistance to pay for it! Add to that the fact that he completely controls money she inherited from HIS dad that was supposed to be for her education, but that her father, as executor of his father's estate, initially set up so she couldn't access it unitl she's 26, and last night he informed her he changed the terms and she can't have it until she's 31! She figures she'll never get that money; but how can he keep it from her?! He's such a controlling a$$! Is his need to control his daughter more important than having a good relationship with his adult girl?! His need to control is apparently an addiction; I hoped and prayed he was a better person since getting involved with his new GF, but apparently it's all an act. He was SO good at hiding who he was around HIS family and around people at church while we were married, and since I'm no longer available as his favorite target to manipulate and control, his oldest daughter is next in line - and OMG do I feel guilty? You bet I do!
Replies
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1. she needs to get an attorney as far as I know 21 is the age limit. So he is blowing smoke and he probably spent it all and that is why isn't offering or giving her any money. She should know who has the money even though her father is controlling it. It's called embezzlement and you can go to jail for it. Get a copy of the original will.
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She is still upset. She won't be showing up at his door step any time soon.
Quoting rosebud727:
Well, she showed him, huh? Good for her. Btw, how was she after he had his little meltdown?
Quoting wishbearmom:
I just think he figured since she doesn't have a job she'd come groveling and she handled it on her own. Seriously, he IS that much of a control freak and a junkie I think that's what pissed him off more than anything : (( It's sad, but I know him. I was married to him for 25 years.
Quoting rosebud727:
Wow, I really don't get this character. I guess I'm still trying to understand why he's upset about the loan except that it could and possibly come out to whomever she got her student loan through, (is it a Govt. loan?) and then he would be forced to give her the inheritance. It's a wild guess, I'm still blown away by how manipulating he is.
I know she's 23 and an adult, but I also know how young my daughters that are 23 and 19 seem. Some stuff is easy for them as young adults to manage, spiteful, or people with an agenda much more tricky and scary too.
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consult a lawyer!!!!
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Well, if she's not going to stand up to him (lawyer seems to be the best way) ther isn't much you can do. She obviously knows how he is. You're just going to have to watch. I see no hope for the relationship she wants & that's painful for mom to know & watch. I wish she'd get a lawyer & let dear ole dad know she's not going to ne trampled....but that's her call. Hugs to you! -
It is her call, and she doesn't wish to pursue it. I have to stay out of it.
Quoting manilowgal:
Well, if she's not going to stand up to him (lawyer seems to be the best way) ther isn't much you can do. She obviously knows how he is. You're just going to have to watch. I see no hope for the relationship she wants & that's painful for mom to know & watch. I wish she'd get a lawyer & let dear ole dad know she's not going to ne trampled....but that's her call. Hugs to you! -
You could make the call inquiring. The lawyer doesn't have to know it isn't about you, but about your child.
I think you might be leaving too much up to her. :( I know I'd be beyond stressed out if this were me going through this situation. Thank GOD, she has you to lean on! -
she needs to take the will to a lawyer. He has no legal right to change the rules of the estate. An investigation needs to take place. As executor of an estate, you can legally collect a percentage off of it. If no money goes out, interest can be added to that and he would get more. If he is changing the terms, he might have already cleaned the estate out. She needs to get a lawyer fast and freeze the estate for an investigation.
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His dad passed in '06. The estate is closed.
Quoting kim8934:
she needs to take the will to a lawyer. He has no legal right to change the rules of the estate. An investigation needs to take place. As executor of an estate, you can legally collect a percentage off of it. If no money goes out, interest can be added to that and he would get more. If he is changing the terms, he might have already cleaned the estate out. She needs to get a lawyer fast and freeze the estate for an investigation.
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She needs an attorney. I seriously doubt he can unlaterally change the inheritance date, unless he was given subjective decision making authority on that point.
The rest is all her business. However, if she has money coming, she would be wise not to take on debt in today's economy.