Moms with Adult Kids

He's a Freshman in college, I'm a Freshman what do I do???
October 14, 2012 at 2:49 PM

He says he's doing fine.  He says it's going fine.  He says he loves his classes but something tells me there is more.  He calls a lot.  I had to tell him to stop, hoping he would be forced to go find friends.  He is always in his room when I call, Friday night, Wednesday afternoon or Sunday.  His grades on-line (I have his password) are horrible, mostly.  He says his grades will be added to and improve with the semester.  He says he is involved and does go to the movies on campus, is part of a group and has friends. 

We have a good relationship and he has always been a real honest kid, a bit lazy sometimes but a good kid.  How do I know that he is making friends, doing well in school and being responsible without smoothering him?  I think he still needs some help but at the same time I think he needs to grow up and take responsibility for getting things done on his own.  I don't want to wait until he gets his grades to find out that we threw away $15000. 

What should you do with your college freshman the first semester?
  • Only group members can vote in this poll.
  1. 15% - Let them do it all, fail or succeed.
  2. 0% - Monitor them closely and make sure they do everything and don't fail.
  3. 47% - Keep in contact, make suggestions and hope they listen.
  4. 26% - Let them do it all and if you see them struggling, talk to them.
  5. 10% - suggestions.....


  • suzeebloch
    October 14, 2012 at 3:00 PM

    First off - does HE really want to be at college?  You know, college isn't for everybody.  If you are concerned about throwing away $15,000 you better find this out now.

    Each kid is unique.  Some kids blossom when they are own their own. Some kids fail miserably.  Some need encouragement from Mom and Dad.  Some want virtually no contact.  lol.  you will have to discover which kid is yours and deal with it accordingly. 

    I don't think you should be monitoring his grades.  However, there is a fine line between caring and smothering.  Been there, done that!   Only he himself can "grow up and take responsiblity"  If he asks for guidance, give it.  If he doesn't, keep quiet.  lol.

    But first and foremost, make CERTAIN that HE really wants to be where he is.  If he does not, then I'd let him discover where he needs to be for himself on his own.  Be supportive of his choices regardless if you agree with them or not. 

  • homeskoolmama
    October 14, 2012 at 3:05 PM

    If you have a good relationship, tell him you know about his poor grades and that you can't afford to throw money away, if he is not serious then you won't pay. If he needs a tutor, get one. Most campus'offer them for free. It is his first year, it is always the roughest. Hope it all works out.

  • CoeyG
    by CoeyG
    October 14, 2012 at 3:07 PM

    His grades at this point are his responsibility not your's. He is an adult, time to let him go grow up.  Yes he is going to make mistakes, that is how he is going to learn about the real world and how to make it.  If he needs help let him come to you for it, don't jump in and rescue him.  You don't need to know what he is doing all the time, whether he is making friends, etc.  I'm sure by now he can wipe his own ass.  

  • Shellness
    October 14, 2012 at 3:09 PM

    Well considering the grades you KNOW there is an issue. He is still your responsibility if you are helping him through college! I would make an appointment with the guidance counselor and go to it with him to get to the bottom of the issues.

  • 3kiddosgone
    October 14, 2012 at 3:23 PM

    I guess I am doing the right thing.  I am making him do it all.  I'm just checking on him too much.  He is dependant on me and I'm sure that is mostly my fault.  But circumstances are what they are.  I have to at least pretend that I'm not worried about his grades and that he has it all under control.  Which if he says he does than I'm sure he does, he usually does more than I do, lol.  We talk all the time so if he doesn't I hope he knows he can bring that up.

    fingers crossed

    I miss him sooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

  • DesignGirl450
    October 14, 2012 at 3:27 PM

    If he is not doing well, according to the online grades posted, you need to talk to him about what is wrong.  If he was paying for everything himself, then it would be all up to him, but as you are shelling out thousands of dollars for an education for your son, then you definitely have a say in how he is doing  at school.  I don't know how far away he is, or how long it will be before he can come home, but a talk in person is what you need to do before you sink more money into an education that he doesn't care about.  

  • rosebud727
    October 14, 2012 at 3:27 PM

    You know the first semester is tough, they are adjusting to being away at school, new people, new concepts, new new new! Hang in there and I would let him communicate as often as he needs the first year. It's hard to go from high school to independent (or semi) college student.

  • mac1940
    by mac1940
    October 14, 2012 at 3:46 PM

    I think monitoring his grades is okay seeings as how you are making a big investment in his education but be certain that the grades you are seeing are the most current one - not all professors keep current on posting grades.  And bear in mind this is his first sememster of his first year at college.  He is busy settling into some semblance of a routine, getting acquainted with campus life and new people so it will probably take awhile for things to fall into place.  Give him some space and let him contact you as he needs or wants.  He sounds like a great kid, so I'm sure he will do great once the newness wears off.

  • 3kiddosgone
    October 14, 2012 at 3:53 PM

     He said that about his grades in Astonomy, that the teacher posts them very slowly.  He is a great kid!  I feel like I'm waiting for him to be born, not knowing what he will turn out like.  Is that crazy?  Will he go this way or that with his major.   So glad he still talks to me at least once a week and hasn't met a girl yet, that I know of. 

  • Bmat
    by Bmat
    October 14, 2012 at 7:24 PM

    I voted keep in contact and offer suggestions, but I know this doesn't work. My first son was actually kicked out of college because he didn't keep his grades up. The first semester they gave him the benefit of the doubt. The second semester he was kicked out. He had to prove to them that he was willing to work if he wanted back in. So he got a job and went to the community college for a semester and did fine and got some recommendations and got back in where he wanted to be. This time he got mainly very high marks. His remark to me was, "I found out that if I studied that I got better grades. "  well.. yah.  He had a multi-thousand dollar vacation that first year.

    The younger son, who had seen his brother kicked out, had the same deal, partying the first semester, but the bad grades rang a bell in his head and he then applied himself, although those first bad grades lowered his grade point all the way through.

    So what I found out is that no matter how excited I was about their college experience and hoping that they'd know to study and take advantage of the opportunity,  and everyone else in the family saying the same thing,  they had to find out on their own- make their own mistakes.

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