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Need advice on bio-dad situation!!
by greenky
February 4, 2013 at 10:00 AM

A little back story on our situation first.....

When I was 6 months pregnant, my exhusband decided he didn't want to be married or a father. A few months went by and we barely talked. When our daughter was born on April 20th, 2010 he was only at the hospital for a few hours because he had to go smoke with his friends (hince the date). He saw our daughter Alice a handful of times the first month she was here, then went 2 & 1/2 months without seeing her or asking about her.....like he had disappeared. He come back with a court order to have scheduled visitation, guess he did want to see her.. That was fine with me and worked for awhile. Over the next six months, he showed up for about 3/4 of his visits with her. However he ended up getting a DUI in october 2010. (his past history included an open container charge, one previous DUI, and six MICs. He had been on probation before, done court ordered rehab inpatient and outpatient and therapy.) We went to court in december 2010 and it was decided that he could not drive her until he had his licence back with no restrictions (that includes completeing the breathalizer gear in his car for a year). Over the next year and a half he was very faithfull with his visits. There 98% of the time and happy to see her. However he did not get the breathalizer for his car. In April of 2012 he was arrested and ended up getting convicted on the felony charge of 'Indecent solicitation of a child 14<16 years of age to commit an unlawful sex act'. Its a long story of how that all came about, but I will say that he was dating her, it was consensual -but not right - and in a round about unintentional way, he turned himself in.  Inbetween his arrest in april 2012 and his conviction in july 2012, he called me at 3:30 am to come pick my daughter up because 'the bugs were eating through the cement in his garage'. I asked my attorney for a drug test and the judge granted it. From the time he knew he had to have the drug test to the time he took it was 8 days. He failed for meth. Thankfully the judge ordered him to visits at the visitation center and outpatient rehab. He attended two visits at the CVEC, the last one being may 30th. Throughout the summer he would leave me messages about how he and his 16 year old girlfriend would continue to be together, but never asked to see Alice or attended his scheduled visits. June, July, August, September& October went by without him around and without any support. In October he filed a motion for unsupervised visits. He had complete an outpatient rehab program, so the judge orderd him to 4 more visits at the CVEC then he could have them supervised by his mother. He also had his secentencing for his felony and recieved 2 years community corrections, no contact with the girl, and registered sex offender for 25 years. He went the same day down for his first corrections meeting and took the girl with him. That landed him in jail for 35 days,missing thanksgiving and his 25th birthday. When he was released he did his four visits at the CVEC and this past weekend  had his first visit outside of there since April last year.

He was happy to see her, I'll admit that. But here's my question....Since december of 2011,I have been with my fiance. He has residential custody of his two children, is amazing with my daughter and loves her to death.He has been there to teach her, to love her, to financially support her, to giggle with her and has never let her down. Alice has been calling him daddy on her own choice for the past year. My exhusband has gone periods of time without seeing or talking to Alice, is a couple thousand behind in support, continuously chooses drugs, and illegal activites over her, and now is demanding that she call him daddy and call my fiance by his name. How do I explain that it's ok for her to have two daddys? Why should she not call my fiance who has been there all along for her Daddy? My ex just gets mad and insists that its wrong. What do I do moms??


  • queenvic77
    February 5, 2013 at 8:24 AM

    Your child knows who cares for her and who she sees all the time. If your ex wants to be called a daddy, then he needs to step up in his responsibility in caring for his daughter. Don't even worry yourself arguing about it with him. Tell him to show and do things for her that will make her know this is her daddy. He does not deserve to be called daddy.

  • k8smimi
    by k8smimi
    February 5, 2013 at 12:53 PM

    The bio dad is and will always be Dad.  The fiance is just that and could be gone tomorrow.   Put yourself in bio's place, would you want the 16 yr. old girlfriend who is now his fiance to be called Mom?

  • greenky
    by greenky
    February 5, 2013 at 9:02 PM
    Thanks for the replies moms :)

    Ever since we started dating, my fiance has been there 10000% for my daughter in every way imagineable. And i know that even if things for some reason, he will want to be part of my daughters life in a big way.

    As for my daughter calling another woman mom? Yes, the idea makes me squirm. However, I hope that someday, when my ex actually finds a woman and sticks around, that my daughter has a good and close relationship with that woman. I hope that she will be a motherly figure to my daughter since I won't be there. And I hope that my daughter feels close enough to be able to call her mom or mommy or whatever she wants to call her.

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