Birthmoms

Ms.KitKat
"A Bit of Peace"
January 22, 2013 at 11:37 AM

 

Dear Sister,

I don’t know your name, where you live or even what you look like. I don’t know what your voice sounds like or how tall you are and I don’t know what your favorite food is. You and I are, however, as intimately connected as any two women can be. I don’t know those things about you, but I do know that our son has your infectious laugh and killer smile. I suspect he inherited his adorable cheeks from you, too. Maybe his incredible sense of curiosity came from you, and his bravery from his other father. His spark of intelligence and stubborn streak, although mirrored perfectly in both his Daddy AND me, came from you too.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot this week as my precious boy approaches his second birthday, especially since it’s quite possible that in truth that milestone has already passed. The orphanage assigned his birthday as the 26th, but only you know the exact minute that this little miracle came into the world. I know there is so much you want to know about your baby, and I would give everything to be able to tell you all about what a special boy he is. I know your heart is breaking right now on these days surrounding the memories you have of his birth and your decision to give him a chance at something different. My heart is breaking because he will never get a chance to know who he got his “lucky earlobes” from, or who the first person to cuddle and soothe him was.

If I could talk to you, I would tell you that he always chooses the orange circle first when sorting shapes, and he leaves the red heart for last, that he can’t make it through a meal without at least three kisses on the head, that he can’t get enough tomatoes or guacamole but doesn’t like spinach, that he’s learning to count on his fingers, that he loves his dog, he’s learning to sing, he’s ticklish behind his knees, that he’s already worn out one copy of “Goodnight Moon” because we read it every night, and his favorite place on earth is a toss-up between the beach and Mommy and Daddy’s great big bed. He is loved with not only your whole heart, but mine as well.

 
I would try to tell you, too, how incredibly grateful I am for the chance to be this amazing child’s mother, and how unbelievably humbled I am to have received the gifts of not only your son, but of this capacity for love that I never knew I had. There are no words for that kind of gratitude, though, and it sounds hollow to me even as I write it. My gratitude is a tangible, breathing thing.

I can almost see it shining in waves every time I look at our son. I desperately want you to know that he is safe and healthy and happy. It is not the life you hoped for or imagined for him (of that I’m certain), but my promise to you is that I am doing the very best I can to give him the best opportunities for happiness and success. I promise, too, to honor your memory every chance I get. One day in the not-too-distant future he’ll ask about you, and while I won’t be able to tell him anything of significance, I do know that there’s not a day that goes by that you don’t think about him.

You and I will always be connected: the mother that carried him and gave him life and loves him from so far away, and the mother that has been blessed with the unimaginable gift of being called “Mommy” and being here to kiss the boo-boos and chase away the bad dreams. You are my sister, and although I will never meet you, I have more love for you than you will ever know.

On Saturday when we light the candles on his cake, we’ll light one for you, too, sending up a prayer as we blow it out and send the smoke sailing across the seas. I hope with everything in me that you hear it when the wind whispers past bringing my good wishes and a gratitude so huge that I feel like I could collapse under the weight of the joy it brings. I hope the wind carries away some of your grief and leaves you with a bit of peace.

Replies

  • Cedartrees4
    January 22, 2013 at 11:45 AM

    "I hope the wind carries away some of your grief and leaves you with a bit of peace."  I hope that you can search and find his mother and give her these blessings in person, and find out if she did "choose" adoption or whether she was coerced into surrender.  :(    Peace comes when our children are safely back in our arms. 

  • Ms.KitKat
    January 22, 2013 at 12:43 PM

     This is not my letter. I found this on line. There is a series of adoption articles posted and when I read this, I thought of the women here. It is not my intention to offend (and I do not think this is offensive but of course this is my view alone from my own shoes). It was my aim in posting this that the first mothers here will be able to have a "bit of peace" regardless if they believe they were coerced or not.

    Quoting Cedartrees4:

    "I hope the wind carries away some of your grief and leaves you with a bit of peace."  I hope that you can search and find his mother and give her these blessings in person, and find out if she did "choose" adoption or whether she was coerced into surrender.  :(    Peace comes when our children are safely back in our arms. 

     

  • Cedartrees4
    January 22, 2013 at 1:19 PM

    Are you an adoptive mother, a natural mother, or ...?

  • onethentwins
    January 22, 2013 at 2:01 PM

    It's not offensive per se, you can hear the compassion in the writers words, and I know you meant well. But I personally find it condescending, presumptuous, and perhaps the words of a guilty conscious.

    What will bring me peace is when the adoption industry is no longer an industry because no money is allowed to be exchanged when a child is transferred from one family to the other. When coercive, immoral, unethical practices to get a child away from it's mother no longer exist. When the agencies and facilitators are exposed. When adopted people have the same legal rights as non adopted persons. When open adoptions are legally enforced. 

    Until then, I find comfort when a woman in crisis pregnancy finds the resources and support she needs to prevent her baby going to genetic strangers. I find comfort when prospective adoptive parents say that they heard us and refuse to participate with the adoption industry. I find comfort when birth parent and adult adoptees are reunited. And as Cedars said, every time I hold my son in my arms.


    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

     This is not my letter. I found this on line. There is a series of adoption articles posted and when I read this, I thought of the women here. It is not my intention to offend (and I do not think this is offensive but of course this is my view alone from my own shoes). It was my aim in posting this that the first mothers here will be able to have a "bit of peace" regardless if they believe they were coerced or not.

    Quoting Cedartrees4:

    "I hope the wind carries away some of your grief and leaves you with a bit of peace."  I hope that you can search and find his mother and give her these blessings in person, and find out if she did "choose" adoption or whether she was coerced into surrender.  :(    Peace comes when our children are safely back in our arms. 

     



  • PortAngeles1969
    January 22, 2013 at 2:12 PM

    The spirit behind this letter (understanding that it was not written by KitKat who posted it but rather found and shared) shows a recognition and interest in what those on the other sides of adoption may experience.

    Looking from the sidelines (or imagining from the distance) cannot ever truly know what the other person's experience is but the willingness to acknowledge is a HUGE step in bringing people to the point of wanting to understand more. And understanding more can lead to more people willing to become allies for the voices and stories that society finds "not comfortable" to hear.

    For those of us who have lost, there will never be anything enough to make up for it. For me, it is refreshing to hear that some of those that have gained can never express enough how much of a treasure our children are. It may not bring peace but at least it doesn't rub salt into the wounds - at least not for me.



  • Cedartrees4
    January 22, 2013 at 2:51 PM

    " It may not bring peace but at least it doesn't rub salt into the wounds - at least not for me.'

    It does for me, on many different levels. If "Kitkat" is an adoptive mother, then the fact that she posted this is condescending, offering us crumbs to try to make us happy.  Coming from a position of "have" to try to placate the "have nots."  Even if the person who had adopted my son felt the way the writer of "Dear Sister" did, it would having given me NO peace -- how would it?  I spent 20 years not knowing if my child was alive or dead, discarded like garbage after my son was harvested from me against my will.  I spent those 20 years searching for him, including hiring a P.I. to try to find him.   The woman who held my son from me was not my sister -- she was an accomplice to the separation.  The writer of the "Dear Sister" is speaking from the position of trying to assuage her own feelings of guilt, but it does nothing for the mother -- she is not taking the active steps of finding the boy's mother and reuniting them, learning the mother's story.  David and Desiree Smolin took that step - they had bought children from India and eventually found out that those children had been stolen -- they found the natural parents again and aided with a reunion.  I recommend David's article "Child Laundering" (http://law.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3679&context=expresso).  This is an article on their story -- showing how orphanages can be corrupt: http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=4823713. I mention orphanages because "Dear Sister" mentions them.

    But these are not the main reasons that salt is rubbed into the wound. It starts off with "... your decision to give him a chance at something different."  That automatically assumes that this mother was neither financially, socially, emotionally, or psychologically coerced into surrendering a child. That she did it of her own free will, with NO pressure from anyone.  That it was a decision.  This is a huge assumption on the part of a person who has never met this woman to find out directly.  And it echoes what the adoption industry tells us, that we must say we "made an adoption plan" and "placed our babies" even when we wanted to keep them but could not due to highly preventable situations and circumstances.

    The other thing, Kitkat, and I'm going to address this to you directly and please correct me if I am wrong, is what appears to be personal disbelief that coercion exists.  This is in your statement "regardless if they believe they were coerced or not."   In other words, coercion is not a fact, it is a subjective belief that a mother may have but which is not truth or fact.  It is like my experience phoning a local adoption agency about counselling  -- they asked when I had "placed my baby" and I told them I did not place him, that he was stolen, and their response was "Well, many mothers have that story."  In their eyes, nothing but a story, a fabrication, a "belief."

    Again, KItkat, are you a natural mother or an adoptive mother?  
    If an adoptive mother, are you willing to listen to the variety of experiences of natural mothers here, and support both those who were coerced and those who willingly gave up their babies?

  • Ms.KitKat
    January 22, 2013 at 2:56 PM

     Yes. This is me.

    Quoting PortAngeles1969:

    The spirit behind this letter (understanding that it was not written by KitKat who posted it but rather found and shared) shows a recognition and interest in what those on the other sides of adoption may experience.

    Looking from the sidelines (or imagining from the distance) cannot ever truly know what the other person's experience is but the willingness to acknowledge is a HUGE step in bringing people to the point of wanting to understand more. And understanding more can lead to more people willing to become allies for the voices and stories that society finds "not comfortable" to hear.

    For those of us who have lost, there will never be anything enough to make up for it. For me, it is refreshing to hear that some of those that have gained can never express enough how much of a treasure our children are. It may not bring peace but at least it doesn't rub salt into the wounds - at least not for me.

     

     

     

  • Ms.KitKat
    January 22, 2013 at 3:02 PM

     

    Quoting Cedartrees4:

    " It may not bring peace but at least it doesn't rub salt into the wounds - at least not for me.'

    It does for me, on many different levels. If "Kitkat" is an adoptive mother, then the fact that she posted this is condescending, offering us crumbs to try to make us happy.  Coming from a position of "have" to try to placate the "have nots."  Even if the person who had adopted my son felt the way the writer of "Dear Sister" did, it would having given me NO peace -- how would it?  I spent 20 years not knowing if my child was alive or dead, discarded like garbage after my son was harvested from me against my will.  I spent those 20 years searching for him, including hiring a P.I. to try to find him.   The woman who held my son from me was not my sister -- she was an accomplice to the separation.  The writer of the "Dear Sister" is speaking from the position of trying to assuage her own feelings of guilt, but it does nothing for the mother -- she is not taking the active steps of finding the boy's mother and reuniting them, learning the mother's story.  David and Desiree Smolin took that step - they had bought children from India and eventually found out that those children had been stolen -- they found the natural parents again and aided with a reunion.  I recommend David's article "Child Laundering" (http://law.bepress.com/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3679&context=expresso).  This is an article on their story -- showing how orphanages can be corrupt: http://abcnews.go.com/International/story?id=4823713. I mention orphanages because "Dear Sister" mentions them.

    But these are not the main reasons that salt is rubbed into the wound. It starts off with "... your decision to give him a chance at something different."  That automatically assumes that this mother was neither financially, socially, emotionally, or psychologically coerced into surrendering a child. That she did it of her own free will, with NO pressure from anyone.  That it was a decision.  This is a huge assumption on the part of a person who has never met this woman to find out directly.  And it echoes what the adoption industry tells us, that we must say we "made an adoption plan" and "placed our babies" even when we wanted to keep them but could not due to highly preventable situations and circumstances.

    The other thing, Kitkat, and I'm going to address this to you directly and please correct me if I am wrong, is what appears to be personal disbelief that coercion exists.  This is in your statement "regardless if they believe they were coerced or not."   In other words, coercion is not a fact, it is a subjective belief that a mother may have but which is not truth or fact.  It is like my experience phoning a local adoption agency about counselling  -- they asked when I had "placed my baby" and I told them I did not place him, that he was stolen, and their response was "Well, many mothers have that story."  In their eyes, nothing but a story, a fabrication, a "belief."

    Again, KItkat, are you a natural mother or an adoptive mother?  
    If an adoptive mother, are you willing to listen to the variety of experiences of natural mothers here, and support both those who were coerced and those who willingly gave up their babies?

     I am a social worker.

    And I am willing to listen to the variety of experiences of natural mothers here.

    And if I am not so offensive to you (general you) I will support those who were coerced and those who willingly gave up their babies.

    IF you wish me to leave this group, I will. 

  • onethentwins
    January 22, 2013 at 3:11 PM



    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

      I am a social worker.

    And I am willing to listen to the variety of experiences of natural mothers here.

    And if I am not so offensive to you (general you) I will support those who were coerced and those who willingly gave up their babies.

    IF you wish me to leave this group, I will. 


    That's certainly not what I wish. Are you new to the group or have you been around for a while? Have you read many of the posts here? Some of the stick posts are gems. 

  • Ms.KitKat
    January 22, 2013 at 3:15 PM

     

    Quoting onethentwins:

     

     

    Quoting Ms.KitKat:

      I am a social worker.

    And I am willing to listen to the variety of experiences of natural mothers here.

    And if I am not so offensive to you (general you) I will support those who were coerced and those who willingly gave up their babies.

    IF you wish me to leave this group, I will. 

     

    That's certainly not what I wish. Are you new to the group or have you been around for a while? Have you read many of the posts here? Some of the stick posts are gems. 

     I am sure it is not what you had wished. It's something I keep to myself. I am new to the group (can you see my green status) but I have dabbled in and out of here. I am, what you might say, in the middle of an existenscial(sp?) dilemma right now when it comes to my working with first moms.

    I don;t know what stick posts are?

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