My placed son is 21 years old now. He is getting ready to move out of his parent's house and into an apartment with some buddies. I was hoping that our reunion could move forward once he moved out. As it stands right now, he and I chat via fb occasionally but he will wait weeks to respond to my messages IF he responds at all. I currently haven't heard from him since June 29th of this year. He talks a good game about how he wants to be a part of my life and wants to be a big brother to the son I am raising. However, he has said multiple times that he is not ready to meet me or his brother. I thought that he was moving so slowly because he still lived with his parents and felt conflicted about developing a relationship with me while still living with them. Now, I'm not so sure his living arrangements have anything to do with it. It may be more that he just doesn't care about having a relationship with me. The other day he changed his profile picture on fb to a picture of him, his mom, and his dad. He said, "These two drive me crazy sometimes, but I love them and wouldn't trade anything for them." The bold part of the sentence is what stuck a knife right through my heart. He knows how hard I fought to keep him. He knows what I had to trade for his parents to get him. To me, he is saying that he wouldn't trade the life he has had for the chance to be kept with me. I voluntarily placed him for adoption at birth. I was in high school with no money and no place to go if I kept him. His bio father abandoned me and my parents abandoned me when they found out I was pregnant. I tried desperately to figure out a way to keep him but there was just no way. If I had somehow figured out a way to keep him, he and I would have had a rough life but we would have been together. His parents both own their own businesses. He has grown up with a mom and a dad and had every material thing he has ever asked for. Don't get me wrong, I am happy about that. He was loved and adored by his whole family and he was well taken care of, which is what I wanted for him. However, it still hurts my feelings that he wouldn't trade all that for me because I would trade anything and everything I have in this world back if it meant I could go back in time and keep him.
Oh man, yes I can see how that would be a knife in your heart. I'm so sorry you had to read those words.
It does sound like he feels like he needs to let his adoptive parents know that he is loyal to them. Do you know how they feel about the reunion? (I apologize if you have written about that before, I'm new here) I would make sure in any communication with him that you only speak highly of his AP's if at all. You certainly don't want to drive a wedge between yourselves.
21 is so young, the same age I gave my own son up. He is just learning about adult relationships and how to navigate them. I would say not to broach the subject of what he wrote about his AP's.
I don't have any real world advice but I'm here supporting you. Hugs :-)
I don't think he wrote those words specifically to hurt me. I think he said it because he is getting ready to move out of his parents house and he was trying to reassure them that he loved them. Still, it cut through me like a knife. I will never tell him how I felt about it though. I wouldn't want him to feel bad about it. I'm not sure how his parents feel about our reunion. They have not communicated with me and he has not mentioned it. I did send them a letter right after he and I reunited and told them that I respected and honored them as his parents. I assured them that I was not trying to come in and be his mother after they had done all the hard work of raising him. I just wanted the chance to get to know the man he had become. They never responded to me. I told him hat I knew that I would never be his mother but I wanted to be his friend. I have told him that I am so happy his parents gave him everything I wanted him to have but couldn't give him. I have told him how much I appreciate and respect them. He has told me that they raised him to know that I loved him but was a young teenager who wanted him to have a two parent, loving, stable home, so I did the only thing I could do at the time. Reunions are so hard!!! I wish it could be like in the movies where everyone is so happy to be reunited and there are lots of hugs, lots of tears then they walk off into the sunset while the credits roll. That's not so much to ask for, is it?
It may be more that he just doesn't care about having a relationship with me. The other day he changed his profile picture on fb to a picture of him, his mom, and his dad. He said, "These two drive me crazy sometimes, but I love them and wouldn't trade anything for them." The bold part of the sentence is what stuck a knife right through my heart.
The reason you placed your son for adoption is known to him. He knows that you care(d), but you were young and not able to provide for him. I too am a birth mom who made that painful decision.
Ultimately what you have to realize (which I as a birthmom tell myself regularly) is to not take it personally, but the difference is you have an emotional attachment to your birth son and he has an attachment to those who raised him.
I too am "friends" with my birth daughter on Facebook and she rarely responds to electronic commuications or phone calls.
My recommendation (which I practice) is to reach out via email or phone once a month just to say hello and that you are there if he needs an ear to listen. You can't force the situation or the pace of any potential reunion.
by Fab74November 15, 2012 at 11:54 PM
Reading your story was like looking in the mirror.
My daughter is 17 and we have been in "reunion" for almost two years now. I have a younger daughter (her half-sister) who are both overjoyed to know they have each other. The reunion has only been over the phone (3 times) and by email. My first always says how much she wants to speak more often on the phone and we've made ourselves welcoming and open to her availabilities but alas. I've stopped telling my second most of what her sister says in emails or over the phone if I know it may end being nothing but a disappointment to her. Too many broken promises are how I found myself in this situation in the first place, I'll be damned if I let it happen to my daughter.
My adopted daughter has voiced much more interest of being in touch with her sister than me which has been hurtful. Someone recently pointed out to me on here that she was never looking for a mom because she had one but not a sibling which is something she always longed for it seems and, understandably so, is an easier relationship on her and her parents for her to build. I never expected her to consider me or call me her mom but I'd be a hypocrit if I didn't own up to hoping I would have be given a bit more consideration as the other mother.
Much like yourself, I have not had any contact with the aparents to whom I've made myself open to communication. I first spoke to the adad when contact was initiated from them and then I received a two-liner from the amom under one of my daughter's emails 4 months later but nothing else. My daughter said her parents welcomed us and they wanted to be more in contact as well but, again, that was the extent of it all.
I know my daughter has had a happy upbringing and never needed for anything which is precisely what I wanted for her, but reading "I was adopted and I couldn't be happier with my parents now" as found on one of her online profiles cut like a knife. Being forgotten on my birthday and, I admit, Mother's Day, has been pretty brutal as well. Again, I may not be her mom, but she and her parents must know what it would've meant for me to be acknowledged by them on that day as I've acknowledged the amom to show that I am not trying to take anyone's place or claim a title I gave up long ago. But it wasn't to be and so now I know not to hope for anything on those days, as used to be the case.
I can go months without hearing back from her as well which feeds the paranoia that I may have said or done something to offend her or her parents. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells and although I couldn't show any more consideration and respect towards them if I tried, it still doesn't seem to be enough for the feelings aren't mutual.
It hurts everyday to be treated this way but I can't do a thing about it. I try to focus on protecting my youngest from false promises and being let down instead of focusing on my sorrow and counting my losses. Sadly, I find myself growing colder of it all more and more everyday and I wonder if that's how some bmoms come to stop contact after a while.
I wish I had answers for you but I think you must do what feels right in your heart, for you and your younger son because no one will ever think of you both the way you do. After placing my daughter, the only way I knew to cope was to go on with my life pretending all was fine and will be. And so I put my daughter and adoption on the back burner for a decade. Had I not done so, I don't think I'd be here to talk about it today. Well, I find myself detaching myself from her again as yet another coping mechanism to what this "reunion" has brought about. I've thought hard about it but the fact is there isn't much in it for my daughter or I at this point, and while I'm glad I could provide answers that enabled her and her parents to grow closer together and figure some things out, by the same token I am not surprised to find myself gravitating back towards putting her and adoption on the back burner again. The whole thing makes me so sad because it's not like in the movies, as you've said. Things could be so much simpler but it won't happen if only one side wants it.
my story sounds VERY similar to yours ! my (bio)father went to extremes in being
sneaky AND deceptive in driving my boyfriend away from me,etc(too much to go
(into) = I HOPE that I NEVER have to see my (bio)father EVER AGAIN ! (BIG SMILE)
Most adoptees I listen to say they wouldn't trade their adoptive parents or their up bringing. (unless it was abusive) I think thats a positive and shows their adoptive parents were good to them. It doesn't mean they don't also love their biological parents. I hope my son never feels torn and knows he is able to love us both. I am sure your son will also come to know this. His life is the only one he knows and its good it was happy. Be patient and hopeful that the day will come when he includes you more. Some of it is his age I'm sure.