Birthmoms

drfink
oh my gosh ...don't want to jinx it but it is looking better and better...oh my gosh
by drfink
October 22, 2012 at 5:06 PM

oh my gosh everyday gets a little better oh my gosh .In the past few days he mentioned in chat to my daughter...M.K. he..M.A. .really looks forward to his dad (adoptive) meeting my 28 y.o. ..M.J.1 they both love to hunt and are certified licensed rifle instructors and more THEN he chatted to my 16 y.o ...M.W.. that in the spring he hopes to get in town to see the two of them ,!4.y.o. ...M.J.2  in one of their LAX tournaments. M.A. IS TALKING ABOUT MEETING...casually I know but he is talking about it !!!! 

Then he FB messages M.K. if she was wanting to blow off FB message and just exchange numbers and text....then he emailed me asking if I wanted to talk and set up a phone call.I didn't sleep last night.I might really really get to meet my oldest. I am going to suggest if our call goes well that we go to the city he lives in the Fri and Sat after Christmas.We live 4 hours away .His parents live in a very small city an hour north of the city he lives in.

Oh my gosh I was afraid to even think about actually meeting him.Last night I kinda want to meet him on my own but I realize he and my raised 4 are all in also

I have very cautiously been telling a few friends.I was excited to tell but the second person told me she was thrilled but I should be happy to have provided his mother with a baby...after all imagine living with infertility....ah ya I did have secondary infertility.I also wanted to say then why don't you pop out a few for poor infertile women if it is such a happy thing to do.But no raining on my parade so I have just quit chatting with her.So slowed down but other than my former friend it has been good .I guess I will have to think out more people knowing and putting up my no rain allowed umbrella .

Just oh my gosh ,oh my gosh ,oh my gosh.

I have been very cautious and followed his leads.Thank you this group and all I've read in OTT'S group and the books recommended.I really ,really think I would have been lost or at least MORE lost and confused without this help and support.

Directly due to this group I am here...no group ,no batmom ,no intervention by someone the agency witch respected ,no breaking through the agency lies to me and him.

Oh ya ALL my children's name start with M it is true.It wasn't planned I gave the boys I raised family names from my side of the family for first names...they have their dad's last name so I got first.And M.A. 's first name is the same as my 16 y.o.'s first name but he uses his middle name.OK  nervous chatter here but just oh my gosh

Have to go cry now...what a roller coaster ride.Oh my gosh

oh ya what do yall think about my meeting plan ? Suggestions ????

just oh wow ,Emily

Replies

  • onethentwins
    October 22, 2012 at 5:54 PM

    Once you're in a full reunion with your son these sorts of comments will be easier to field, but they wont stop. My own doctor of 12 years even said to me "you know she's his real mother". 

    I like your reunion plans, I suggest bowling.

    Quoting drfink:

    I was excited to tell but the second person told me she was thrilled but I should be happy to have provided his mother with a baby...after all imagine living with infertility....

  • DVT
    by DVT
    October 22, 2012 at 6:20 PM

    Yes, you will always hear those kinds of comments and to me, it's still hard to hear.  Yes, we know we gave life to our children and provided a family with a baby - our loss is real too.  However, this is an awesome first step toward meeting your son and to do it right after xmas would be great!  I hope it all works out.  My suggestion is that you go first to meet him for an hour or two one on one and then introduce him to your family with bowling or cards something that interacts all of them.  I'm crossing my fingers for you that it all works out :)  Sooooo happy for you - I know you will meet him soon ;)

  • vampporcupine
    October 22, 2012 at 7:55 PM
    I also suggest meeting privately first. This way all emotions between you are genuine and unbridled. Afterward, bring the family in. Try to stretch for two hours before they meet him. I'm pleased it seems to all be going well. I think his mature age has something to do with helping this. And genetics of course :)
  • 2jeffsmom
    October 22, 2012 at 9:52 PM

    Emily, I remember the feelings you're going through. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, what else can you say with all the spiraling emotions. I'm so happy for you!

    I think your plan is good. Enjoy this time with your kids all getting to know each other, then you starting the process of getting to know him. It's such wonderful news. Makes me tear up too.

  • drfink
    by drfink
    October 24, 2012 at 1:57 PM


    Quoting vampporcupine:

    I also suggest meeting privately first. This way all emotions between you are genuine and unbridled. Afterward, bring the family in. Try to stretch for two hours before they meet him. I'm pleased it seems to all be going well. I think his mature age has something to do with helping this. And genetics of course :)

    Of course it is genetics...ALL and anything good is nature anything not so great is nurture....LOL...KIDDING.

    Anyway I have been thinking about how and why things are playing out as they are.Some comes I think from the explaining to my 4 I raised many of the things I have learned from here ,OTT's group ,books and my IRL group.Among other things that we needed to let him set the pace and what I had learned might be some of his feelings from here.On his part I think age and the maturity helps a lot.He was clear in that he wanted to start the contacts ,he wanted to start the phone contacts and he wanted to be able to say slow down if needed..So that was followed and I think it helped tremendously with him feeling comfortable.He even described his personality as someone that likes to check out situations ,observe ,think a bit and jump in with both feet...he could have been describing my 16 y.o.. That is exactly as this has been played out.It really helps to have guidelines to follow and he was old enough to provide them.

    Late last week I thought I was going to start having anxiety attacks again.My 28 y.o. informs me ...he lives in a different city 3 hours from here...that he and his older brother had been having extensive FB  chat and emails discussing nature vs. nurture.Oh my God scared the heck out of me...what type of conversation is that to have 3 1/2 weeks into a email reunion ????? My 28 y.o. forwarded a few to me so I would relax.They were adult ,no bashing or insulting, conversations,they agree on a lot but have different opinions on some.My 35 y.o. had been thinking about this since college he said.This conversation would never fit an 20 year old.My 28 y,o, also reminded me two adult brothers can talk about things that could be very awkward ...at least for a while ...between birth mom and kid,even adult kid.So I really agree I think his age has helped.I also think it is clear his parents (adoptive ) have never had anything negative to say about me,birth mom and had always been supportive even as a college student in looking for me.

    The only negative he heard ,because it mirrors what was said to me ,came from the agency witch in charge of reunion.My oldest hasn't said it to me but has said to my 28 and 21 y.o.'s that he was so happy that all 4 were accepting.That he had been warned there would be lots of strife towards him and between the 4  and my 4 and me etc.etc.All that can be true but the emphasis on this IS the  ONLY way it works comes from the witch.She told me in detail about her birth siblings and the relationships.It is her experience ,valid and should be covered as

    one of several possibilities but not the only one.She gets to have her issues but not all jobs are for her.

    Wish I could claim  only genetics  ; ) but I also think age and the way his parents described what they thought were reasons for adoption and their open support  even as a teen are large factors also.

    The reunion expert that helped me told me a story.She had been managing and shepherding a reunion.The birth mom had searched and found her college age daughter.The reunion was going well through email and phone.The daughters parents were happy also.Going well.They decided after a few months they were ready to meet.They decided to meet at the facilitators office she wouldn't stay ...she has a conference room...they had discussed even going for lunch after the initial chat.The birth mom gets there and they go wait in the lobby ,through the glass doors come daughter ,her parents...expected and aunts ,grandparents ,adult cousins about 8 extra people.The facilitator said her heart sank ,she knew too many outside the immediate family would hurt the reunion.She said the birth mom had been a little nervous but was shaking now.It didn't go well ,too many opinions and POVs .The facilitator said it was a lot of work and heartbreak but she was eventually able to get the reunion back on track.I thought of you when she told me that story.Too many POV  's pushing their agenda.

  • Southernroots
    October 26, 2012 at 9:31 PM

    The reunion experts I took advise from at the time suggested our first meeting be one on one, and I am glad we did it that way. However, I let my son do it the way he wanted.   I certainly would not have been ready to meet the adoptive parents right away and glad he didn't want that.  He WAS 32 years old when we met for the first time.

    No way I would have wanted our first meeting at the agency, that would have been hard for me.  I know one birth mom whose agency was orchestrating the reunion and they planned their first meeting there.  Meanwhile, she found her son's contact info on line and got in touch with him directly and he picked the site to meet.  He choose a place special to him. It was a place he'd gone to lots of good concerts I believe.  I'm thinking it was the Washington Monument....maybe OTT recalls this story from CUB.

  • urbanroost
    October 26, 2012 at 11:16 PM

     I'm so excited for you :)

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