Birthmoms

onethentwins
Happy birthmoms?
October 4, 2012 at 3:02 AM

This question is really only for birth moms in this group, although adoptees and adoptive moms may respond if you if you like.

I have seen in other groups birthmoms talking to each other saying that they felt driven off in this group because their expressing their happiness in being birthmoms was met with such negitivity they they felt excluded. That they felt that we believed they were all in denial and that they were sure to come to the realization that they had made the wrong decision.

I like to believe, I hope to believe, I long to believe, that birth moms and adoptees that are in open adoption will be saved much of the grief and pain that so many of us here have experienced.

I also long to hear the stories of women in open adoption, in the hope that open adoption is in fact better for mom and child. I also think that no matter how great these adoptions are, that there will still be loss, pain, and sorrow on behalf of the birth moms, and that they too need our support.

Do you think that we drive these women away? if so, are you ok with that? If not how do you think we can change that?

Replies

  • vampporcupine
    October 4, 2012 at 4:26 AM
    I have never seen any of us drive another mother away. I have seen other mothers become uncomfortable and attempt to have US stop talking about our pain and instead talk about the joy of being without our child????
  • adopteeme
    October 4, 2012 at 6:33 AM
    Quoting vampporcupine:

    I have never seen any of us drive another mother away. I have seen other mothers become uncomfortable and attempt to have US stop talking about our pain and instead talk about the joy of being without our child????



    The joy of being without us...

    I'd like to think open is easier than closed with letters and pictures, and contact throughout the years. But the stuff in our head and heart would be similar. Maybe even harder in some regards. Can you wrap your head around someone that loves you saying- having a wonderful time Without you... sigh
  • 2jeffsmom
    October 4, 2012 at 8:42 AM

    I think it would be hard to change in a way that will help happy moms with their decision. Unfortunately, most of us do feel very sad. This is a place we can express our true feelings and feel totally understood. It's said all the time, we wouldn't wish this on anyone. If we can prevent someone else from this heart ache by telling the truth of our feelings, it's worth it.

    My experience was a closed adoption. It allowed me to repress everything for 32 years. I don't know how I would have dealt with reminders of what I'd done on a regular basis. My life would have been different for sure! If it would have helped my son and I could change it, I would.

  • Vikki77
    by Vikki77
    October 4, 2012 at 10:09 AM
    This is exactly what caused my social anxiety. Even though I just recently figured that out. I could not go on a date, go to birthday parties, anything really. I don't know how many times I left my now husband sitting in a restaurant by himself. I would leave in tears before the drinks even made it to the table. I now know (or remember) what started it all. Almost 15 years ago, I decided that if I couldn't raise my children I didn't deserve to have fun. It became such a part of my heart that I forgot why I was so anti social, until after reunion.

    And it wasn't just a choice really. I would physically feel sick to my stomach, couldn't breathe, and would break down in tears.
    Quoting adopteeme:

    Quoting vampporcupine:

    I have never seen any of us drive another mother away. I have seen other mothers become uncomfortable and attempt to have US stop talking about our pain and instead talk about the joy of being without our child????





    The joy of being without us...



    I'd like to think open is easier than closed with letters and pictures, and contact throughout the years. But the stuff in our head and heart would be similar. Maybe even harder in some regards. Can you wrap your head around someone that loves you saying- having a wonderful time Without you... sigh
  • onethentwins
    October 4, 2012 at 3:27 PM

    Thank you for your comments so far.

  • Fab74
    by Fab74
    October 4, 2012 at 3:38 PM

    I think this place isn't for everyone and it's important to dissociate one's own experience with that of others. We may be united in our loss and grief but we don't all have the same adoption background, nor do we process things in the same manner.

    I can't say whether someone is in denial or not and would never call anyone that in here, although I suspect some women may be, naturally. I was one of them and I'm sure I'm not the only one. But I also think many, like myself, still believe it was the best decision then for our children. My pain isn't any lesser than anyone else's for feeling that way and I would never allow anyone to dictate how I should feel, nor would I try to impose my way of looking at things on someone who is having a different experience from mine. My own philosophy has always been that I can't live on ifs, so I had to come to accept my decision, my circumstances, and my loss as much as I hate them. 

    I can't speak for those who felt alleniated but that has never been my case. All sorts of emotions are present here, some of which I disagree with but also some I was blind to; this forum helped me see things I never realized or considered and it certainly helped me face them rather than bury everything with sorrow and anger and leave it all on the back burner. But again, that's MY experience.

    We are all very opiniated women in here, I believe, and some of the realities we speak of aren't all about puppies and rainbows, for not everyone's adoption story is similar and some of us have gone through hell and back. This may be very hard for someone who has come to terms with her decision and is at peace with it to hear, let alone comprehend and agree with. Much like some women feel we may be abrasive and/or unwelcoming, I don't understand how it was possible for them to process their loss as easily as some have stated and, quite honestly, I envy them. 

    I personally suspect it's more a case of us highlighting and often unveilling things that aren't easy to read and/or accept as a potential different truth and a potential future outcome. Rejecting such notions can often lead to feeling like one does not belong and is therefore being driven away from the group, but I've never read or felt that anyone was intentionally mistreating anyone for living her child's adoption in a more positive light. Throughout all the posts, the message has always been one of caution but also of happiness for those who are finding some peace, in one way or another. It's a very loving and supportive environment and I know you have all helped me tremendously through some rough moments. Saying I am grateful couldn't being to describe how I truly feel about this place and those who contribute to it. I may not always like the answers to my questions but I know they all come from a good place. 

  • HereWeGoAgain9
    October 7, 2012 at 5:39 AM
    I know I'm not a birthmom so pls take my answer w a grain of salt. I do think that in some cases this group may "drive some away." this is a raw group, candor is a strong suit. And I love that! But I do think it's possible that some 1moms are comfortable, not certain about happy but def ok, with their decision.
    It would be difficult to be in this group and hear of such tragic stories. It would make one wonder, I think, and if they're doing ok and feeling secure in their decision it may just be too hard to hear "negative" stories which make them question what they haven't had to. I hope that makes sense.
  • DVT
    by DVT
    October 7, 2012 at 7:55 AM

    I really like Fab74 response.  Not everyone will have the same view on Adoption or even the same experience.  Whether your a birthmom or adoptee.  This is a place for learning from one another even you don't like a response.

  • Fab74
    by Fab74
    October 8, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    HereWeGoAgain9 is right. Some sisters have lived such horrific adoptions, I often feel ashamed for whining about my own. I can certainly appreciate how initimidating and frightening this can be for those who either aren't at such a mature stage of the adoption process or simply got lucky and never experienced what others have. This is indeed a tough group, no denying there, but it's a tough loving group too. I joined with hesitation after reading some of the posts and I often held back from saying I didn't hate my daughter's adoptive parents because I thought some would jump on me for it but I was dead wrong. 

    I hope those who will consider joining this group can read this and see that beneath the guarded facade are some of the purest souls I was fortunate to interact with. 


  • ceejay1_iz_back
    October 8, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    I think what HWGA, says below is 'more to the truth", than the idea that we scare some mothers off.

    Truth is scary sometimes, not knowing is scary sometimes, boogy men under the bed is scary sometimes, but each individual journey of our life stories is NOT scary.

    I just think some/many have not had to ask theirselves the tough questions, or have even "allowed" theirselves to realize that they literally and figuratively have placed their own flesh and blood with (most cases) genetic strangers, and destroyed a Mother / child relationship for evermore.  This is tough, when we are pre-conditioned to believe our "choices" our reasonings were the "best' for our child.

    Now I am by no means saying their really and truly are women who for many personal reasons, will never be able/willing or wanting to be a Mother, and are indeed happy with their option of surrendering their baby.

    I am always happy and feel good inside when I read that adoption is a wonderful option and IS working.  The studies are too soon to know.  However, I am NOT happy when these wonderful happy Mommies/ex-Mommies (is there such a thing?) come in here and act as if we are strange , foreign creatures, because we actually have a mourning , a yearning for our child, then proceed to disagree...that IS where I have a problem.

    If they leave, it is not because of me, it is because, for many reasons, they cannot/will not face, that there really are women who regret, mourn, and love their children, way after the happy kool aid has dried up!

    They leave because they just don't "fit"...YET!

    We are here, if and when, and if they are mature enough, they will know this and "get it"...If not, "Ce La Vie", Adios, Au vois!...you get my drift, and so do they;)

    I certainly would love to be around to see the day, that adoption is 'HAPPY".

    Quoting HereWeGoAgain9:

    It would make one wonder, I think, and if they're doing ok and feeling secure in their decision it may just be too hard to hear "negative" stories which make them question what they haven't had to. I hope that makes sense.


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