Birthmoms

onethentwins
Happy birthmoms?
October 4, 2012 at 3:02 AM

This question is really only for birth moms in this group, although adoptees and adoptive moms may respond if you if you like.

I have seen in other groups birthmoms talking to each other saying that they felt driven off in this group because their expressing their happiness in being birthmoms was met with such negitivity they they felt excluded. That they felt that we believed they were all in denial and that they were sure to come to the realization that they had made the wrong decision.

I like to believe, I hope to believe, I long to believe, that birth moms and adoptees that are in open adoption will be saved much of the grief and pain that so many of us here have experienced.

I also long to hear the stories of women in open adoption, in the hope that open adoption is in fact better for mom and child. I also think that no matter how great these adoptions are, that there will still be loss, pain, and sorrow on behalf of the birth moms, and that they too need our support.

Do you think that we drive these women away? if so, are you ok with that? If not how do you think we can change that?

Replies

  • vampporcupine
    October 21, 2012 at 5:07 PM
    Unfortunately, many of us in "open" adoptions experience a closed one.

    Quoting Lurion:

    May be apples and oranges.

    It seems to me that nobody will really know the effects of open adoption until the generation of those who were raised that way are grown and studies can be done. After all in the 60s every "expert" was convinced that the way they were doing it, was best for everyone involved. See how that turned out.

    Some of the happy moms may feel differently 20, 30 years from now. 


  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    October 21, 2012 at 5:12 PM

    EXACTLY!! There is no legal protection in any state. If the adoptive parents change their mind, feel uncomfortable, see your child bonding too much or just don't want to deal with it, they hold all the cards. 

    Yet another thing adoption agencies fail to mention as they mix the Kool-aid. 


    Quoting vampporcupine:

    Unfortunately, many of us in "open" adoptions experience a closed one.

    Quoting Lurion:

    May be apples and oranges.

    It seems to me that nobody will really know the effects of open adoption until the generation of those who were raised that way are grown and studies can be done. After all in the 60s every "expert" was convinced that the way they were doing it, was best for everyone involved. See how that turned out.

    Some of the happy moms may feel differently 20, 30 years from now. 



  • JulesKH
    by JulesKH
    October 21, 2012 at 6:57 PM

    vampporcupine:

    As far as I know, she is still alive. I say it's unlikely that i'll never meet her because it's a completely closed adoption and I've been on registries for over 10 years now with no luck. The story I know is the one in my file. She unexpectedly arrived at a home for unwed mothers, she aparently drove herself, she was already pretty far along. She was 18, my birth father was 35 and not available. This much seems to be verifiable and true. The rest is of course what i've been told. Is it true? I hope so. But I can't verify it.

    I can verify the my friends story though. I was with her even in the hospital as her baby boy was born. I didn't really say much about the her boyfriend, just that he freaked out, and he did, but he eventually came around and was even there in the delivery room. They had help if they wanted it. Both of their parents offered to help with expenses and raising the baby. But told them the decision was ultimately theirs. The decided they weren't ready and coun't give him everything they felt he deserved. I still keep in touch with both of them. They both went on to marry someone else and both have children. I haven't had a conversation with him about how he feels now and I don't bring it up in case it is painful. But as I said, she does bring it up every now and again. And she always says that still believes they made the right decision.

    I'm truly sorry about your experience, and I know nothing I can say that will ease the pain. I was was merely trying show that it's not always a bad experience, sometimes it goes well. Obviously not always, and I'm not trying to downplay your experience. I was just offering another perspective.

  • mommasbrat912
    October 21, 2012 at 9:23 PM

    As an adoptive mom and adoptee, but member of this group, I would like to give my perspective on what I see. Please know that I mean no offense, and if I am unclear about something, please just ask me what I meant.

    I think someone new coming into this group, not knowing what to expect, and being spoon fed the "industry perspective", may find the group, for lack of a better word, abrasive, and I can imagine for some, scary.

    But does it really matter? If they are truly happy with their decisions, what you say won't matter. And if they aren't and you reach one of them, Help one of them that needed it, isn't that what most of you hope to do?

    The only thing that has ever concerned me? puzzled me? I'm not sure exactly, but I hope you will get the jest, is when after you have all said and done everything imaginable to help, reach out, educate,  an expectant mom, or current birthmom, and they still insist they are happy, or ok or whatever, some insist, occasionally to the point of arguing that that mother couldn't possibly be sure of her own emotions. That is the only time I have felt uncomfortable. that is the only time I ever pause to think, that's a little extreme and assuming, maybe dismissive (or something along those lines). And I do understand to a point that others may have felt like this group comes across as believing they are in denial.

    But of course I acknowledge that I am not a birthmom, and will never understand why you feel that way. But that's just a humble amom, that respects you all and what I have learned and continue to learn from you all, perspective.

    Oh and I definately agree with the statement that no matter how great any adoption, there is loss, pain, and sorrow, and that your support is needed. Not just for the birthmoms. Most importantly for the birthmoms, but also the adoptees that make their way here looking for something.

  • drfink
    by drfink
    October 21, 2012 at 11:19 PM


    Quoting JulesKH:

    vampporcupine:

    As far as I know, she is still alive. I say it's unlikely that i'll never meet her because it's a completely closed adoption and I've been on registries for over 10 years now with no luck. The story I know is the one in my file. She unexpectedly arrived at a home for unwed mothers, she aparently drove herself, she was already pretty far along. She was 18, my birth father was 35 and not available. This much seems to be verifiable and true. The rest is of course what i've been told. Is it true? I hope so. But I can't verify it.

    I can verify the my friends story though. I was with her even in the hospital as her baby boy was born. I didn't really say much about the her boyfriend, just that he freaked out, and he did, but he eventually came around and was even there in the delivery room. They had help if they wanted it. Both of their parents offered to help with expenses and raising the baby. But told them the decision was ultimately theirs. The decided they weren't ready and coun't give him everything they felt he deserved. I still keep in touch with both of them. They both went on to marry someone else and both have children. I haven't had a conversation with him about how he feels now and I don't bring it up in case it is painful. But as I said, she does bring it up every now and again. And she always says that still believes they made the right decision.

    I'm truly sorry about your experience, and I know nothing I can say that will ease the pain. I was was merely trying show that it's not always a bad experience, sometimes it goes well. Obviously not always, and I'm not trying to downplay your experience. I was just offering another perspective.

    Your sweet message brought a few tears.I just want to say if you desire don't give up.Despite an agency that lied to both my oldest ,his parents (adoptive) and me for more than 15 years we are in email ...me and for my younger more tech savvy children FB chat and other forms  tech communication reunion.I had been on registries for years ,I had little interest in the Internet until about 18 years ago when I heard on tv about online registries...overnight I upgraded our main P.C. so I could search ; ) Anyway on April 15 I received via the agency my first letter from him.Sept.23 we got released from the agency ...I just turned 55 and he is almost 36 but we needed 6 months of censors and chaperons in effect ...smh but we are in a type of reunion and moving forward.It is impossible to know what your birth mom is doing or why.So if you desire don't give up ...you never know.

    Just want to add this group let me meet batmom,a member, she took me to the woman that intervened with the agency.This group can put miracles in motion

  • vampporcupine
    October 22, 2012 at 12:10 AM
    Have you tried a search angel? What state are you in?
    I think you misunderstood what I meant with your friend. She can feel comfortable or at peace but still be in pain. For me, I was numb for 22 years. I would tell people the same as your friend, that I was at peace. I wasn't. The trauma I endured had split my emotions off from me and I had no recollection of what happened until two years post reunion. I had psychologists that had even said I was two people. At the time, I thought they were nuts. Anything to do with emotion or anything painful, I became rigid in stature and would gloss over facts. Then one day the dam broke and most of my memory returned at once. It has taken two years to work through it and I still have blank spots on some things. Anyways, I am glad to know that her parents did give her the option. I had none.
    I am glad to know you were raised in a loving and supportive home. This is what we would all hope for our children. Unfortunately, it is a crapshoot when you leave your baby with strangers.


    Quoting JulesKH:

    vampporcupine:

    As far as I know, she is still alive. I say it's unlikely that i'll never meet her because it's a completely closed adoption and I've been on registries for over 10 years now with no luck. The story I know is the one in my file. She unexpectedly arrived at a home for unwed mothers, she aparently drove herself, she was already pretty far along. She was 18, my birth father was 35 and not available. This much seems to be verifiable and true. The rest is of course what i've been told. Is it true? I hope so. But I can't verify it.

    I can verify the my friends story though. I was with her even in the hospital as her baby boy was born. I didn't really say much about the her boyfriend, just that he freaked out, and he did, but he eventually came around and was even there in the delivery room. They had help if they wanted it. Both of their parents offered to help with expenses and raising the baby. But told them the decision was ultimately theirs. The decided they weren't ready and coun't give him everything they felt he deserved. I still keep in touch with both of them. They both went on to marry someone else and both have children. I haven't had a conversation with him about how he feels now and I don't bring it up in case it is painful. But as I said, she does bring it up every now and again. And she always says that still believes they made the right decision.

    I'm truly sorry about your experience, and I know nothing I can say that will ease the pain. I was was merely trying show that it's not always a bad experience, sometimes it goes well. Obviously not always, and I'm not trying to downplay your experience. I was just offering another perspective.

  • vampporcupine
    October 22, 2012 at 12:18 AM
    "have all said and done everything imaginable to help, reach out, educate, an expectant mom, or current birthmom, and they still insist they are happy, or ok or whatever, some insist, occasionally to the point of arguing that that mother couldn't possibly be sure of her own emotions."

    What you don't understand is the amount of coercive measures that a mother has undergone in order to get her to a point of believing that she is not best/good enough for her baby. Also, many of us know exactly where this mother is in her journey as we've been there, done that. Yes, there are some mothers who are truly happy. Those do not attend or seek out support groups. A person looks for support when they need help when something is wrong.
    Besides, I have yet to see anyone here be aggressive with telling someone they are wrong for their feelings.


    Quoting mommasbrat912:

    As an adoptive mom and adoptee, but member of this group, I would like to give my perspective on what I see. Please know that I mean no offense, and if I am unclear about something, please just ask me what I meant.


    I think someone new coming into this group, not knowing what to expect, and being spoon fed the "industry perspective", may find the group, for lack of a better word, abrasive, and I can imagine for some, scary.


    But does it really matter? If they are truly happy with their decisions, what you say won't matter. And if they aren't and you reach one of them, Help one of them that needed it, isn't that what most of you hope to do?


    The only thing that has ever concerned me? puzzled me? I'm not sure exactly, but I hope you will get the jest, is when after you have all said and done everything imaginable to help, reach out, educate,  an expectant mom, or current birthmom, and they still insist they are happy, or ok or whatever, some insist, occasionally to the point of arguing that that mother couldn't possibly be sure of her own emotions. That is the only time I have felt uncomfortable. that is the only time I ever pause to think, that's a little extreme and assuming, maybe dismissive (or something along those lines). And I do understand to a point that others may have felt like this group comes across as believing they are in denial.


    But of course I acknowledge that I am not a birthmom, and will never understand why you feel that way. But that's just a humble amom, that respects you all and what I have learned and continue to learn from you all, perspective.


    Oh and I definately agree with the statement that no matter how great any adoption, there is loss, pain, and sorrow, and that your support is needed. Not just for the birthmoms. Most importantly for the birthmoms, but also the adoptees that make their way here looking for something.

  • mommasbrat912
    October 22, 2012 at 1:34 AM


    Quoting vampporcupine:

    "have all said and done everything imaginable to help, reach out, educate, an expectant mom, or current birthmom, and they still insist they are happy, or ok or whatever, some insist, occasionally to the point of arguing that that mother couldn't possibly be sure of her own emotions."

    What you don't understand is the amount of coercive measures that a mother has undergone in order to get her to a point of believing that she is not best/good enough for her baby. Also, many of us know exactly where this mother is in her journey as we've been there, done that. Yes, there are some mothers who are truly happy. Those do not attend or seek out support groups. A person looks for support when they need help when something is wrong.
    Besides, I have yet to see anyone here be aggressive with telling someone they are wrong for their feelings.


    Quoting mommasbrat912:

    As an adoptive mom and adoptee, but member of this group, I would like to give my perspective on what I see. Please know that I mean no offense, and if I am unclear about something, please just ask me what I meant.


    I think someone new coming into this group, not knowing what to expect, and being spoon fed the "industry perspective", may find the group, for lack of a better word, abrasive, and I can imagine for some, scary.


    But does it really matter? If they are truly happy with their decisions, what you say won't matter. And if they aren't and you reach one of them, Help one of them that needed it, isn't that what most of you hope to do?


    The only thing that has ever concerned me? puzzled me? I'm not sure exactly, but I hope you will get the jest, is when after you have all said and done everything imaginable to help, reach out, educate,  an expectant mom, or current birthmom, and they still insist they are happy, or ok or whatever, some insist, occasionally to the point of arguing that that mother couldn't possibly be sure of her own emotions. That is the only time I have felt uncomfortable. that is the only time I ever pause to think, that's a little extreme and assuming, maybe dismissive (or something along those lines). And I do understand to a point that others may have felt like this group comes across as believing they are in denial.


    But of course I acknowledge that I am not a birthmom, and will never understand why you feel that way. But that's just a humble amom, that respects you all and what I have learned and continue to learn from you all, perspective.


    Oh and I definately agree with the statement that no matter how great any adoption, there is loss, pain, and sorrow, and that your support is needed. Not just for the birthmoms. Most importantly for the birthmoms, but also the adoptees that make their way here looking for something.

    I already acknowledged that I am not a birthmom and will never understand those feelings.I do know there is entirely too much coercion (any is too much in my opinion). Although I don't believe that every expectant mother considering adoption is coerced. ( Again only my belief, not speaking for anyone else) But I know I'll never know what it feels like to be in the place that coercion creates.

    I was just trying to say that is the only time I have ever felt like someone might possibly felt chased away,  And the only time I have felt truly uncomfortable with where a conversation went. I'm sorry if I implied that I thought anyone was being agressive. More dismissive I guess? Still not the right word I think. I'm sorry.  And of course it's not anyones responsibility to make me feel comfortable, which is why I keep my mouth shut in those situations. I was just responding to the question about if the group drives women away, and where I can see it, and that is the main place I could see someone being uncomfortable in a justifiable way,  beyond them just not being ready to hear the message, and even as an adoptee and amom, I can often pick out the ones in that place, so I'm sure all of you do even more 

    And as far as seeking out a support group, I actually posted a response to that in another group tonight, I'm going to copy that here:

    But to address Ceejay's question, from my point of view, and I certainly do not assume to speak for anyone else, but can imagine many others feel the same. There are 3 main members of an adoption.... the birthmom, the child, and the amom. (of course there is at least a biological father, and mostly an adoptive father, but they aren't the ones here). Each of these individuals are unique. We all live a life that is not "the norm". Often our inner circle, and sometimes our extended circle, have no clue. We all have different struggles to face, different fears, different pain. But those emotions are all centered around something not everyone gets. So happy, sad, good adoption situation or bad, I think we all tend to seek out other people who have a clue, who understand what it is we may be going through. The good moments, and the bad ones. And that leads many of us to groups like this. Not always for any type of "yearning" or "acceptance" or however you wish to word it, but for a sense of belonging. To connect with someone, anyone who "gets it". Who gets you, your journey. (The only change I have made is to remove the word triad as I know not all of you see it as a triad and I don't want my feeling to be lost over one word, or to offend unnecessarily)

    Sometimes I think it's not always about support in a something is wrong kind of way, but sometimes to connect with other women who have been there, when noone else you know has. But of course that is only my 2 cents, and I don't presume to speak for anyone else's feelings.

  • randi1978
    October 22, 2012 at 11:54 PM

    I remember once, long ago, when I was solid in my decision. 

    I poked around the birth mother groups, the adoption groups and still felt that I had done the right thing and was confident in what I'd done.

    Time passed and those feelings waned.  I started to feel a lot of things and contentment was not one of them.  I started to truly see what my actions had done to my other daughter.  And then it hit me: I fucked up.  This is my fault.

    Looking back at my replies in those early groups and it made me look like a heartless monster.  So hunky dory with passing off my second born as if she were an unwanted puppy all because "i knew i couldn't handle raising 2".

    I know there are women who are solid in their decision to relinquish.  I even recall a few women who did so because of their situations at that time (addiction issues, etc).  I can understand WHY they did it and why they feel they did the right thing.  But I can also see how put off they might be poking around this group and hearing the stories we've told, our mantra of "if only we fought harder".....and I think it makes them take stock in their own situations that led to the surrender of their children.  I'm only guessing here, but perhaps it made them feel bad that they didn't "fight harder" even though the issues they were facing at the time were things many of us couldn't have made through in one piece even if we had the National Guard at our side.

    As for the ones who did so because of family pressure, wanting to pursue education without struggling with a child or even just deciding they were not ready to be a parent and still think they did the right thing.....I'm not sure how happy they truly are.  I'm skeptical, personally.  And those ones I think are probably the most vocal when they read our stuff.

    I'm rambling bad.  I did have a point to this.

  • VanessaV
    October 27, 2012 at 6:52 PM

    It's interesting I would run across this post today.  I am rarely ever on Cafe Mom anymore.  I literally come on every couple of months if that.   I joined this group several years ago and initially felt not included.  Part of that was because I had very different experiences then the other women here.  My birthson turns 12 next month and we have had an open adoption since birth.  I have always been quite content with my choice.  When I joined here, I definitely felt as if my opinion or experiences were NOT welcomed.  I was told I was in denial and everyone felt the need to down play any positive experience I may have had.  However, I stuck around for a while and learned a lot from others in regards to things that could be changed in the adoption world. It opened my eyes quite a bit and  I use some of the information I learned when discussing adoption with others.   I also became to feel more a part of the group although I was not super active.  We all have experienced a loss.  We all feel pain at times no matter how good the adoption turned out.  So if everyone could focus on that, I think even the "happy" and "unhappy" can come together.

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