Birthmoms

julygrl84
Moving on after an adoption
June 27, 2012 at 1:43 PM

So me and My Daughters father decided to be friends after she was placed... we have had a on and off friend ship over the past 7 years well everytime he gets a gf he refuses to talk to me because he hides the situation.. Well now he is married and we agreed to send photos back and forth... and now I recently found out he got is having another baby a girl who is due to be born the same day I was due with Our daughter... now mind you I am married now and have 2 sons of my own Im happy.... and Im happy for him but for some reson becasue of the simularites I am sorta jelous of everything... I dont know how to kick the feeling...my whole pregnancy he wanted nothing to do with it he was not even at the birth his parents were....  so can someone help me not have these feeling I have moved on and so has he I want to be happy for him so someday when she is older she can see both her Biological parents together in 1 setting with out any Animosity between us....

 

Replies

  • Vikki77
    by Vikki77
    June 27, 2012 at 8:15 PM
    I have no advice. Sorry. All I can say is maybe a little further down the road after the baby is born, those feelings may change. You may be just as happy that he has this opportunity.
  • 2jeffsmom
    June 28, 2012 at 8:20 AM

    I imagine him as an imature little boy at the time of your pregnancy. I hope now that he's married and having a daughter, he will be a different person. Maybe you could forgive the little boy he was then.

    I hope this helps.

  • ceejay1_iz_back
    June 28, 2012 at 9:38 AM

    julygrl, I wonder, do you think it is jealousy or a type of mourning the past?  Kind of like wishing and wondering at the same time.  The what if's, the would haves, the could haves. 

    Like ,2jeffsmom stated, you are remembering a time of when you BOTH were different people, young, scared, and naive.  The actions we took 'back when', are the current reactions we have now.  In other words, it is a growing process, and with growth comes change.  Thank GOD for this, otherwise we would be doomed to repeat the past :)

    Hope you are getting my drift...been up and outside weed killing since 6.a.m., before it got too hot;) 

    I think it is more than normal to mourn the loss of something/ an ideology we at one time dreamed of having , yet it was not mean to be at that time;)

  • julygrl84
    July 5, 2012 at 12:21 PM

    Thanks ladies you guys help me put it all together to make sense of it and ceejay1_iz_back that makes perfect sense thanks

  • snowwillow
    July 6, 2012 at 12:03 PM

    Do you really need to be friends with him, this is only going to cause you pain.

  • Vikki77
    by Vikki77
    July 6, 2012 at 3:11 PM
    I don't know her situation, but I wish I had been able to remain friends with my sons fathers. Right now the only real information I can offer my sons is their name. I don't know where they are or any medical history. Also I feel that parents of a child should remain amicable in the interest of the child. Even after your kids are grown, you will share grandchildren and special occasions like weddings and graduations. Everyone should be on friendly terms for this. I feel it is the same even if the child is placed for adoption. Maybe even more so, as that is the other "half" of who understands the loss of your child. Just my opinion.

    Quoting snowwillow:

    Do you really need to be friends with him, this is only going to cause you pain.

  • ChrissyH
    July 7, 2012 at 8:56 AM

    I agree 100% with Vikki77; When I "found" my son and we were able to reunite I was able to give him his fathers info and left it up to him if he wanted a relationship with his father. It was hard for me over the years to keep in touch but was worth it in the end for our son.

  • julygrl84
    October 3, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    We communicate thru email.... she is almost 8 years old she knows she is adopted but does not know who we are yet. But we have spoken that some day we would like to get together to have a visit with her his wife and kids and my husband and kids.. either way he will always be apart of my life weather I want to or not becasue he is my daughters father and some day when she is older I know things will be better and I will be able to build a long lasting bond with her...

  • Fab74
    by Fab74
    October 3, 2012 at 11:15 PM

    My daughter's father found out of her existence after she was born. Long story but still, he didn't care to stay in touch with me nor did he ever inquire about her. I sent him pictures of her that were sent to me by her aparents and told him whatever information I had about her from them. I did my part. 

    Once I got over the hurt of being used and dumped, only to find myself pregnant, homeless, broke and alienated from my own family, I decided to keep track of him for my daughter's sake, should she wish to know who he was someday. Luckily, he didn't move much, unlike me, and was listed in the white pages, until FB came along and there he was, as well. Call me a stalker but, again, I felt this was my responsability and believe I did my part there too.

    I'm glad we never remained in touch. He married and now has two kids. I remarried (first one followed my daughter's adoption and was an utter fail) and now have one more daughter. I completely understand the feeling of resentment. I continue to live with what losing my child has done to me while he seemed unphased then and I'm sure has never given it a thought since then, probably thinking we've both vanished never to be heard of again. And this is where the resentment comes from for me. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way other than MY not being able to let go of the fact that I feel only I have lost something in the end and, to be truthful, I would like to know he's been as miserable as I have been over it. It won't change my situation but I suppose I'll feel vindicated, and as immature as it sounds, I need that. I hope he is happy but I don't want to hear about it nor would I lose sleep to find out he's not, to be honest.

    My daughter, with whom I have been in reunion with via email for the past year and a half, does not want to be in touch with him for now and says she doesn't think she ever will want to. I find vindication in this for now, and I hope someday my reunion with her will allow me to let go of the resentment towards him for I want to be able to tell myself with conviction someday that this was his loss after all, and only his.

    Unlike me, your daughter's bfather was present through the years and your staying in touch with him will always prevent him from ignoring what is part of his life and always has been since she was born. I highly doubt his second born's expected birth date has not stirred up emotions he may be trying to hide. As nasty as this may sound, I hope you can find peace and comfort knowing he may be just as miserable as you are. On the day of his daughter's birth, he will think of his first child, and for every milestone after that, your daughter will always be on his mind. They say Karm's a btch, case in point, I suppose. Both my daughters are Sept babies and although they were born on different dates, I am quite a mess every year as I try to juggle emotions of happiness, sadness, grief and loss over the whole month of Sept.

    What you have lived thus far, I truly believe he will start experiencing the second his second child is born. This might just make him a better father to her than he would have been in the first place, as he contemplates his losses and learns to be more appreciative of what you had to endure when you couldn't just run away from the birth of your daughter, for example. 

    I realize this makes me sound like a crazy, angry, and bitter person and maybe I am. But I went through hell and back while he went on with his life. I think none of us can run away from what is ours in life and I am grateful that the worst is over for me (hopefully). I don't have much sympathy for people like our daughters's fathers and if not for my sick need to feel vindicated, our children do deserve for both parents who conceived them to never forget about them or turn their backs on them. 

    I don't think you're alone feeling this way and I would dare say it may be healthy. Reflection is but another step in the long process of coping and grieving, with inner peace being the ultimate goal. There is a reason why you feel the way you do so I would just let it follow its course. You just may be surprised how much you'll learn about yourself on that path.

    With that said, I wish you much luck as this new chapter begins, however you may chose to navigate through it all. It's never easy, but we're all here for you. 


  • julygrl84
    October 23, 2012 at 11:29 AM

    Thanks so much I have found alot of inner peace @fab74

    Quoting Fab74:

    My daughter's father found out of her existence after she was born. Long story but still, he didn't care to stay in touch with me nor did he ever inquire about her. I sent him pictures of her that were sent to me by her aparents and told him whatever information I had about her from them. I did my part. 

    Once I got over the hurt of being used and dumped, only to find myself pregnant, homeless, broke and alienated from my own family, I decided to keep track of him for my daughter's sake, should she wish to know who he was someday. Luckily, he didn't move much, unlike me, and was listed in the white pages, until FB came along and there he was, as well. Call me a stalker but, again, I felt this was my responsability and believe I did my part there too.

    I'm glad we never remained in touch. He married and now has two kids. I remarried (first one followed my daughter's adoption and was an utter fail) and now have one more daughter. I completely understand the feeling of resentment. I continue to live with what losing my child has done to me while he seemed unphased then and I'm sure has never given it a thought since then, probably thinking we've both vanished never to be heard of again. And this is where the resentment comes from for me. There is no logical reason for me to feel this way other than MY not being able to let go of the fact that I feel only I have lost something in the end and, to be truthful, I would like to know he's been as miserable as I have been over it. It won't change my situation but I suppose I'll feel vindicated, and as immature as it sounds, I need that. I hope he is happy but I don't want to hear about it nor would I lose sleep to find out he's not, to be honest.

    My daughter, with whom I have been in reunion with via email for the past year and a half, does not want to be in touch with him for now and says she doesn't think she ever will want to. I find vindication in this for now, and I hope someday my reunion with her will allow me to let go of the resentment towards him for I want to be able to tell myself with conviction someday that this was his loss after all, and only his.

    Unlike me, your daughter's bfather was present through the years and your staying in touch with him will always prevent him from ignoring what is part of his life and always has been since she was born. I highly doubt his second born's expected birth date has not stirred up emotions he may be trying to hide. As nasty as this may sound, I hope you can find peace and comfort knowing he may be just as miserable as you are. On the day of his daughter's birth, he will think of his first child, and for every milestone after that, your daughter will always be on his mind. They say Karm's a btch, case in point, I suppose. Both my daughters are Sept babies and although they were born on different dates, I am quite a mess every year as I try to juggle emotions of happiness, sadness, grief and loss over the whole month of Sept.

    What you have lived thus far, I truly believe he will start experiencing the second his second child is born. This might just make him a better father to her than he would have been in the first place, as he contemplates his losses and learns to be more appreciative of what you had to endure when you couldn't just run away from the birth of your daughter, for example. 

    I realize this makes me sound like a crazy, angry, and bitter person and maybe I am. But I went through hell and back while he went on with his life. I think none of us can run away from what is ours in life and I am grateful that the worst is over for me (hopefully). I don't have much sympathy for people like our daughters's fathers and if not for my sick need to feel vindicated, our children do deserve for both parents who conceived them to never forget about them or turn their backs on them. 

    I don't think you're alone feeling this way and I would dare say it may be healthy. Reflection is but another step in the long process of coping and grieving, with inner peace being the ultimate goal. There is a reason why you feel the way you do so I would just let it follow its course. You just may be surprised how much you'll learn about yourself on that path.

    With that said, I wish you much luck as this new chapter begins, however you may chose to navigate through it all. It's never easy, but we're all here for you. 

     


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