Working Moms

October 24, 2013 at 10:30 PM

So I need to vent a little steam.  I don't want another fight in fron of our girls, and I know this is one of the few places I won't be judged or given advice I don't need.  As many of you know, DH is fully disabled.  He has good and bad days.  Well lately his bad days have occurred mostly at night, and most often on nights after the girls have been a handful or after I myself have had a long day at work and little seems to be going smoothly.  ODD has been pretty wild the past week or so, lots of tantrums and attitude, and YDD has entered the "listening to everyone but her parents phase".  I am getting really frustrated with this pattern.  It seems like all I hear is that he is tired, or dizzy, or sore.  Until it is time to play with the dogs, watch a certain show, or game with his brother all night long.  I have been late for more of my assignments than I care to count because I have spent every night doing all the childcare.  He comes out after all the work is done and then spends his night alternating gaming and asking me how the homework is coming, or telling me I shouldn't be falling asleep so I can get more homework done.  I am getting four hours of sleep a night.  My stress levels are through the roof between the two jobs that keep changing things on me, the two girls who seem bent on driving each other and me crazy, the hyperactive dogs that I have to take in and out because there is no one else to do it, trying to take care of part of the housework so DH's aide isn't stuck with every single bit of it, and all the random stuff that happens.  On the rare event that he is up while the girls are up his method of watching them more often than not involves telling them not to do/touch something, then yelling at them because they did it anyway, threatening discipline but rarely following through.  

He has his good days too, days where he is on top of the things he typically handles, where he is active and engaged with the girls.  Those days are few and far between now, and he considers the twenty minutes he spends in the morning helping get ODD ready "good enough" help.  Not YDD, just ODD because she is older and follows direction better.  Tonight he got after YDD for tapping a brush on the coffee table, something she shouldn't do because he is sensitive to sounds.  Instead of taking the brush from her after the first time she didn't listen he just tells her to stop again, and again, getting more frustrated every time.  Says he is trying to teach her to listen.  He has tried this method of "teaching" for a while.  Never works.  Our PAT educator told me a long time ago that listening is a learned behavior.  I am doing my best, but it seems no one in the house listens to ne, and if DH does at some point listen to me, he forgets.  Yay short term memory loss.

I have three weeks of classes left counting this week.  I have to hope that I pass these classes, or my degree is delayed.  So far all of my professors have been relatively understanding, and I don't ask for special treatment if something is late.  I really hate turning things in late though, and when he pushed for me to get my degree because my job at the call center makes me miserable, I TOLD him I would need him to be more engaged and more active in the girls' after daycare time.  "Sure I can do that".  Nope.  Hasn't done it.  I know it is the neurological condition he has that causes all of this, but I am still frustrated.  By it.  By him.  By the kids.  By the dogs.  By work.  By myself for not having a better handle on, well, everything.  I have gotten short tempered, irritable, and I have started having heartburn again.  I haven't had heartburn since high school, nearly ten years ago.  

If I try expressing any of this to him, it is automatically me angry at him, me saying it is his fault, that I blame him for every lousy thing.  I don't, and if I did I would tell him straight because that is the sort of person I am.  His parents however have always been more passive, and do imply certain things in that way, and I feel like he keeps applying their behaviour in the past to me despite my tellng him I do not do things that way.  That is what our last fight (at the dinner table, in front of the girls because he refuses to wait until they are in bed to discuss or argue anything, which I hate because it makes ODD visibly upset and she acts out quite a bit after we fight, yet if I tell him this it means he's a bad parent) was about.  I was getting bombarded with twenty questions from girls he wasn't helping me with, I blew a little steam, and he started in with everything being his fault according to me.    

I am tired of all of this.  The stress, the decisions, being ignored, everything.  


  • calsmom62
    October 24, 2013 at 10:41 PM
  • Marti123
    October 24, 2013 at 11:11 PM
    I am sorry you are going through such an exhaustive, stressful time. thanks for sharing and hope you feel a tiny bit better. We can't fix anything for you, but we can understand. *hugs*
  • christaberk
    October 25, 2013 at 6:03 AM
    That's horrible. Hugs.
  • trfgirl56701
    October 25, 2013 at 8:40 AM

    I'm sorry you're dealing with all that at once. It's definitely frustrating to have a DH that doesn't help when you really need it. I hope things get better soon

  • adamsmom0116
    October 25, 2013 at 10:04 AM


    I can't really help except to say I'm sorry you're going through that. Hang in there! And of course, we are here anytime for venting.

  • deccaf
    by deccaf
    October 25, 2013 at 10:36 AM

    I'm sorry.  Here is a safe place to vent.  Does he have any kind of counselling he goes to?  Do you?  You both may need to see someone at least a couple of times.  I know your life is crazy busy, but let some things go for the next few weeks so you can do what absolutely needs done. 

  • leahbeah143
    October 25, 2013 at 2:47 PM


    is he part of any support groups or anything?

  • Nighttiger
    October 25, 2013 at 4:33 PM
  • preacherskid
    October 25, 2013 at 7:02 PM

    Quoting deccaf:

    I'm sorry.  Here is a safe place to vent.  Does he have any kind of counselling he goes to?  Do you?  You both may need to see someone at least a couple of times.  I know your life is crazy busy, but let some things go for the next few weeks so you can do what absolutely needs done. 

    Funny thing is, he IS trained as a counselor.  A few more college credits and he could have been a full fledged therapist.  I am actually the one who doesn't want a therapist or counseling- I have seen what passes for counseling around here and am not impressed.  If there were one that was willing to do pro bono (of course I have no insurance, and out of pocket is out of budget) and wasn't like the rest around here I would go.  I know I should go.  I have known that for three years, since his health took a bad turn while I was pregnant, but the instant response here is to medicate medicate medicate, or to start offering "solutions".  I don't want someone else's idea of solutions, I just want someone to listen without judging OR acting like I am some sort of saint.

  • preacherskid
    October 25, 2013 at 7:04 PM

    Quoting leahbeah143:


    is he part of any support groups or anything?

    He is, but they are mostly depressing.  Many of the people with his condition who seek out support groups are in pretty bad shape, so he will spend time active for a while, then drop out of them because he can't handle it.

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