Working Moms

preacherskid
Daycare issues/need feedback piog
January 12, 2013 at 8:16 AM

Okay, little background: ODD has been at the same preschool since she was about two and a half and they moved her from daycare area to pre k area.  She is four now.  About a year ago she started saying a little boy, X, was hitting her, kicking, pushing, etc.  I spoke with her teacher and she explained X (at the time) was still adjusting to the new classroom, as he had just turned three and moved up to ODD's age group.  They were working with him and his parents as much as parents would cooperate to help him adjust and stop being so physical.  ODD would periodically come home saying X had done something to her, we would ask if she told a teacher (my instructions after the first few incidents, walk away and find a teacher), yes she had and he had gotten in trouble for it.  They only have room and teachers enough for one class per age group, so she moved up and he followed.  The teacher keeps them on opposite sides of the room, monitors them, intervenes/disciplines when needed, and says sometimes he is nice to ODD.  Problem is, ODD is now telling us she does not want to go to prek, because X hits, kicks, pushes, calls her names (I was present for one of those- he called her a f**ker twice, and luckily for him one of the directors took him out of the room before I decided whether I was going to just scare him or wash his mouth out or who knows what).  ODD's teacher told her one day to hit him back- not what I want her doing because a) he is much stockier than her and if he has grown up in the sort of house I think he has he won't stop, he will just hit harder next time and b) I do not want her solving problems by hitting or retaliating until the other party leaves her alone.  I don't want to remove her because I also have a two year old there and finding openings for two children in the same place, ages two and four, is next to impossible, and on top of that ODD has a dairy allergy and this daycare/preschool has been excellent with the allergy checking, as well as everything else.  The only problem right now is this little boy, and I will not pull both my children from this daycare/preschool just because one little boy can't keep his hands to himself and the daycare is not getting any support from his parents.  

Long, I know.  Any thoughts?


Replies

  • amantonacci
    January 12, 2013 at 8:22 AM

    I had an issue with this, but my ds was the aggressor at times... I would suggest calling a meeting with the teachers and the sites director and see if there is any solution you guys can all agree on. If it still continues ask for a meeting with the boys parents as well. I'm sure if they weren't taking it seriously before they would be then. My ds's teachers and the director knew I was doing everything I could to get him to stop, which he finally did. So theywere more willing to work with me, if they haven't had a meeting with the boys parents yet they need too.

  • preacherskid
    January 12, 2013 at 8:41 AM


    Quoting amantonacci:

    I had an issue with this, but my ds was the aggressor at times... I would suggest calling a meeting with the teachers and the sites director and see if there is any solution you guys can all agree on. If it still continues ask for a meeting with the boys parents as well. I'm sure if they weren't taking it seriously before they would be then. My ds's teachers and the director knew I was doing everything I could to get him to stop, which he finally did. So theywere more willing to work with me, if they haven't had a meeting with the boys parents yet they need too.

    Meeting with the director and their teacher next week.  They have told me before they are trying to work with the parents on this but intimated that either the parents were not cooperating or were at a loss- I know he has older siblings that are rough with him and each other as a form of affection, I used to be the same way with my brothers but none of us went to prek or school and hit others because ofvthat.

  • cjsmom1
    by cjsmom1
    January 12, 2013 at 8:49 AM
    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.
  • Marti123
    January 12, 2013 at 9:04 AM
    I know this is plausible, even likely, but please entertain the fact, some children do not respond to traditional discipline. Luckily, my youngest child does NOT curse, but his behavior is embarrassing and shameful to me at times. Hundreds of dollars on therapy (probably thousands considering insurance & missed work) later, hours of crying myself to sleep praying, and every ounce of energy spent at home trying to teach him appropriate behavior has failed in seeing a large improvement. It is heart-breaking and hurts even worse when I know other parents think we just do not care or work at it.

    Sorry, I just had to let that out.


    Quoting cjsmom1:

    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.

  • preacherskid
    January 12, 2013 at 9:14 AM


    Quoting Marti123:

    I know this is plausible, even likely, but please entertain the fact, some children do not respond to traditional discipline. Luckily, my youngest child does NOT curse, but his behavior is embarrassing and shameful to me at times. Hundreds of dollars on therapy (probably thousands considering insurance & missed work) later, hours of crying myself to sleep praying, and every ounce of energy spent at home trying to teach him appropriate behavior has failed in seeing a large improvement. It is heart-breaking and hurts even worse when I know other parents think we just do not care or work at it.

    Sorry, I just had to let that out.


    Quoting cjsmom1:

    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.

    That is why I want to find a good solution for this.  I don't know his exact home situation, I also don't know if he has any behavioral or developmental issues that they are trying to deal with.  I know that daycare has done everything, tried everything, and they have seen some improvement, but there are still issues, namely with him and my daughter.  Frankly if he were broadly disruptive I wouldn't have as much of an issue, but it looks like he is singling her out at least most of the time.

  • Marti123
    January 12, 2013 at 9:21 AM
    I have been in your position. My ODS was bullied by a BD child. He was bitten. Here is what I would do again:

    1) I would document your DD's experience every day.

    2) During my meeting with the director, I would ask specifically what resources they have for the other child. Can the school district come evaluate him? Can they put a assistant with him directly? What classes have they or can they put their staff in to deal with (x)?

    3) if there answers, are insufficient, lackadaisical, The problem continues, would not feel guilty about calling the accrediting or state agencies of child welfare, with my documentation, about an emotionally unsafe environment.

    4) work with your daughter in role playing everyday on how to deal with bullies, what to do, problem solve, other safe friends. And talk about the positive things at school A LOT, and give her lots of kudos and positive attention when she focuses on enjoyable moments.

    I understand not wanting to pull your DDs, I would keep trying for another few months too.
  • Marti123
    January 12, 2013 at 9:29 AM
    Is X bullied by any one else and then turns to ur DD?

    I might insist they pay a child psych counselor for a couple of hours during common times of the bullying (heck I might even pay) to observe the two's interactions, I bet someone like that could give some insight on that dynamic and pointers to the teachers.


    Quoting preacherskid:


    Quoting Marti123:

    I know this is plausible, even likely, but please entertain the fact, some children do not respond to traditional discipline. Luckily, my youngest child does NOT curse, but his behavior is embarrassing and shameful to me at times. Hundreds of dollars on therapy (probably thousands considering insurance & missed work) later, hours of crying myself to sleep praying, and every ounce of energy spent at home trying to teach him appropriate behavior has failed in seeing a large improvement. It is heart-breaking and hurts even worse when I know other parents think we just do not care or work at it.



    Sorry, I just had to let that out.





    Quoting cjsmom1:

    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.


    That is why I want to find a good solution for this.  I don't know his exact home situation, I also don't know if he has any behavioral or developmental issues that they are trying to deal with.  I know that daycare has done everything, tried everything, and they have seen some improvement, but there are still issues, namely with him and my daughter.  Frankly if he were broadly disruptive I wouldn't have as much of an issue, but it looks like he is singling her out at least most of the time.


  • preacherskid
    January 12, 2013 at 9:31 AM


    Quoting Marti123:

    I have been in your position. My ODS was bullied by a BD child. He was bitten. Here is what I would do again:

    1) I would document your DD's experience every day.
    They know- she reports every incident to her teacher, she does not always tell me until a day or two later, we have been trying to get her to tell us right away, so I can talk to her teacher right away.  Unless there is a visible mark left there are no reports documented at the daycare.
    2) During my meeting with the director, I would ask specifically what resources they have for the other child. Can the school district come evaluate him? Can they put a assistant with him directly? What classes have they or can they put their staff in to deal with (x)?

    3) if there answers, are insufficient, lackadaisical, The problem continues, would not feel guilty about calling the accrediting or state agencies of child welfare, with my documentation, about an emotionally unsafe environment.

    4) work with your daughter in role playing everyday on how to deal with bullies, what to do, problem solve, other safe friends. And talk about the positive things at school A LOT, and give her lots of kudos and positive attention when she focuses on enjoyable moments.
    She knows how to react to the behavior, and when we talk to her this is literally the only negative she gives me.  She tells me she loves her teachers, she loves her friends, she loves learning and playing, but she doesn't love X because he is mean to her and doesn't like her (the not liking her I take with a grain of salt- if her sister refuses to play with her she says her sister doesn't like her)
    I understand not wanting to pull your DDs, I would keep trying for another few months too.


  • preacherskid
    January 12, 2013 at 9:42 AM

    At the daycare not that I know of.  I do know his older siblings are rough with him, but my brothers and I were rough with each other and none of us went to s chool and started hitting other children.  Part of the problem is that it (thankfully) isn't a daily thing.  She will go a few days, nothing will happen, then one day he has done all sorts of things.  The other day the teacher told me he had been getting to her so much that she told her to hit him back because she could see she was getting frustrated- not the response I want because I don't want the situation escalated, but I don't want her to become a victim because she doesn't respond in kind :(. 

    I wish I had the money and parental permission to pay someone to come in and evaluate, but around here unless there is a CPS report you aren't going to get an eval without parents giving permission.

    Quoting Marti123:

    Is X bullied by any one else and then turns to ur DD?

    I might insist they pay a child psych counselor for a couple of hours during common times of the bullying (heck I might even pay) to observe the two's interactions, I bet someone like that could give some insight on that dynamic and pointers to the teachers.


    Quoting preacherskid:


    Quoting Marti123:

    I know this is plausible, even likely, but please entertain the fact, some children do not respond to traditional discipline. Luckily, my youngest child does NOT curse, but his behavior is embarrassing and shameful to me at times. Hundreds of dollars on therapy (probably thousands considering insurance & missed work) later, hours of crying myself to sleep praying, and every ounce of energy spent at home trying to teach him appropriate behavior has failed in seeing a large improvement. It is heart-breaking and hurts even worse when I know other parents think we just do not care or work at it.



    Sorry, I just had to let that out.





    Quoting cjsmom1:

    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.


    That is why I want to find a good solution for this.  I don't know his exact home situation, I also don't know if he has any behavioral or developmental issues that they are trying to deal with.  I know that daycare has done everything, tried everything, and they have seen some improvement, but there are still issues, namely with him and my daughter.  Frankly if he were broadly disruptive I wouldn't have as much of an issue, but it looks like he is singling her out at least most of the time.



  • Marti123
    January 12, 2013 at 10:07 AM
    The school can require it, at least our can.

    You can have "your child" evaluated in the school setting.

    Good luck, I hope you get some other goof suggestions& I really do hope for a good outcome! I know it is stressful!!

    A co-worker with older children smiles at me and always, "I know it doesn't feel that way, but 99% of kids grow up ok, no matter how much or how little you worry." I always smirk back, "hmmmffff, I don't believe you" he says, you wait and see it will all work out!!


    Quoting preacherskid:

    At the daycare not that I know of.  I do know his older siblings are rough with him, but my brothers and I were rough with each other and none of us went to s chool and started hitting other children.  Part of the problem is that it (thankfully) isn't a daily thing.  She will go a few days, nothing will happen, then one day he has done all sorts of things.  The other day the teacher told me he had been getting to her so much that she told her to hit him back because she could see she was getting frustrated- not the response I want because I don't want the situation escalated, but I don't want her to become a victim because she doesn't respond in kind :(. 

    I wish I had the money and parental permission to pay someone to come in and evaluate, but around here unless there is a CPS report you aren't going to get an eval without parents giving permission.

    Quoting Marti123:

    Is X bullied by any one else and then turns to ur DD?



    I might insist they pay a child psych counselor for a couple of hours during common times of the bullying (heck I might even pay) to observe the two's interactions, I bet someone like that could give some insight on that dynamic and pointers to the teachers.





    Quoting preacherskid:


    Quoting Marti123:

    I know this is plausible, even likely, but please entertain the fact, some children do not respond to traditional discipline. Luckily, my youngest child does NOT curse, but his behavior is embarrassing and shameful to me at times. Hundreds of dollars on therapy (probably thousands considering insurance & missed work) later, hours of crying myself to sleep praying, and every ounce of energy spent at home trying to teach him appropriate behavior has failed in seeing a large improvement. It is heart-breaking and hurts even worse when I know other parents think we just do not care or work at it.





    Sorry, I just had to let that out.








    Quoting cjsmom1:

    Other than having a meeting I'm not sure what you can do. For a child to curse like that it shows a lack of discipline in the home. Sadly the only solution would be kicking this kid out.



    That is why I want to find a good solution for this.  I don't know his exact home situation, I also don't know if he has any behavioral or developmental issues that they are trying to deal with.  I know that daycare has done everything, tried everything, and they have seen some improvement, but there are still issues, namely with him and my daughter.  Frankly if he were broadly disruptive I wouldn't have as much of an issue, but it looks like he is singling her out at least most of the time.





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