Dear Friends --
My name is Tonya and I am 28 years old. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. The last 7 of those years, he and I had taken the "if it happens it happens" approach to getting pregnant. After 7 years passing we decided to take a closer look into why we hadn't gotten pregnant. Over Christmas 2010 we were told that due to medical issues we had about a 2% chance of ever getting pregnant. I went through the grieving process of the very likely chance that I would never get pregnant and experience all the highlights of having my own child. I had been wanting my own family for years and now it seemed that this dream was in all reality never going to happen for me.
Over Easter 2011 - while in the Dr.'s office for sore tonsils - they made the discovery that I was pregnant. My husband and I were so excited. The near-impossible had happened. We had beaten the odds. We were finally, after all these years about to start our own family. I gave up caffeine. Took pre-natals. Stayed away from fish. I did it all. But then on May 10th - I began to spot. I called my OBGYN and they told me it was normal to spot during the first trimester and not to worry. Just take it easy for a few days. So I did. On May 12th, however... it was very obvious that something was wrong. I rushed to the OBGYN. They did an ultrasound. My baby was just 6 weeks old - but he/she was there. Heart rate was 133 and everything was looking good. What they did discover is I had a hematoma. They told me bed-rest for a few weeks and come back on the 31st of May to re-evaluate. I returned home and went to sleep. Two hours later - I miscarried.
It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since that awful day. In many ways - to the outside world it looks as if I am okay. I still laugh, I can go to work and do my job well, I can carry on a conversation, and can take an offering of condolences without breaking down and crying and the news that yet another co-worker is expecting or had their baby with joy rather than sorrow. It's only been 2 weeks - but it seems like I've been crying forever.
The hole in my heart that this baby I barely knew - but loved with every ounce of my being - is so overwhelming I cannot even put it into words. In some ways I am grateful that I got to see my baby - but in others it is almost a curse as it had reassured me everything was okay. And 2 hours later to have that taken away from me.... I am broken. My heart aches. Have I lost my only chance to have a family of my own blood? If I ever *could* get pregnant again - would I be joyful at the chance or absolutely terrified of this happening again that I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy?
Those of you who say that adoption is always an option. I agree. But right now - it isn't the thing to say. I'm still in the anger stage of grief it seems. Everything happens for a reason? Why would God put me through this grief twice?? Sorry! You have a 2% chance. Make other plans.... *poof!* Here you go! The greatest joy I could've given you. Now I want him/her back. How about God doesn't put anymore on your shoulders than you can handle... I think the test is rather harsh.
The realistic side of my brain still intact knows that my baby probably wasn't developing correctly and that is why it happened. I know that eventually overtime I will be able to move on and stop having to hide in the bathroom to cry everytime someone announces that they are pregnant - posts an ultrasound picture - or a commercial about babies comes on television. The shoulda, woulda, coulda will go away. The tears will eventually dry up. I will have good days and bad days - but life will go on. But until I get there I am nothing but a trainwreak once I get home. I feel empty. I no longer feel like I have a purpose. I am no earthly child's mother. I am broken.
If it wasn't for our medical issues that have lowered our chances to get pregnant to extremely low I'd be in a better state because I'd know I'd have another shot. I just don't know this. Right now if I were to get pregnant again - I'd be hysterical. It's so confusing because I've wanted this with my husband for YEARS and when you have such a small chance you should leap on it every opportunity you have. But I'm paralyzed. How on earth am I to move on?
May 26, 2011 at 4:08 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss and how hard it is for you to conceive. Loosing a baby is very difficult and it does take a long time to heal. I lost my son in July at 17 weeks and I still have a hard time accepting why that would happen. I pray and hope that you are able to find peace through this hard time and that you are able to beat the odds again and conceive easily this time and that you can go on to have your baby. It is difficult when people try to make you feel better because in reality there is nothing anyone can say to help the pain so just know that I am truely sorry and will be thinking about you
I am so sorry for your loss. Some people just dont get it and their comments hurt even though well intentioned. It takes years for us to get pregnant as well. I lost 2, had my son, got pregnant quickly after him but lost that baby as well, and then took about a year to getanother positive that seems like it will work out for out. I have to say while joyous, every pregnancy for me has been filled with doubt. the most recent the worst. I still say "seems like we're having a baby" and I;m 34 weeks! To me its still not a guarentee and cant get as excited about it as I would love to. But you go through different stages of grief, and it takes months to process it all. We're here for you every step of the way if you need us. Try not to put on a happy front to much, internalizing everything comes back to bite you eventually. I did the same thing the first time. *hugs*
by Txmommy13May 26, 2011 at 5:36 PM
I am truely sorry for your loss and the added stress and hardship youve had with conceiving.Alhough my situation was different with my 2nd loss,i cant relate to your story in a way.My dh and i thought it would be impossible for us to get pregnant and when it happend it seemed like a miracle only to have it end at 6 wks as well.As the other ladies said there are different stages of grief and you will go through them all,allow yourself to ,dont hold anything in. Thats how i delt with my first loss,i kept everything in and all those emotions came pouring out 2 yrs later,it was 2yrs worth of pent up anger,frustration,sadness among other things.So allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.
by cchupkoJuly 8, 2011 at 9:28 AM
My heart goes out to you because I truly know how you feel=(
PLEASE know that you will survive this...While it will change you forever you will be able to go on. Its been since 2007 & 2009 since my miscarriages and I still greive for those babies, but I know someday they will be in my arms and I will finally get to look into their eyes. There were nights that I cried for hours, and now even with my seven month old I find myself wondering about my other babies and how it would be with them here as well. Nothing will take the place of those children but I HOPE and PRAY that you will take this pregnancy as the blessing that it was, a sign from above, that you are meant to be a mom and keep trying=) The whole first year after my first miscarriage was absolute hell I fell into such a depression that I barely remember that year, then I found a book (and Im not usually into reading to be honest) called: Empty Arms by Pam Vredevelt. It is where I turned for support bc I had no other support besides my mom but she never went through it so it really didnt help. Reading this book alsoo got me through the second time around. I will warn you that it does have a few religious remarks, just in case...
Peace be with you, I wish you the very best!!!
by cchupkoJuly 8, 2011 at 9:30 AM
...and just so you know my story was different that I had two children already. BUT my miscarriages came after I had my tubes tied=( I THANK GOD though that the tubal ligation wasnt successful because now I have my seven month old miracle girl! Obviously she was meant to be here=)
July 8, 2011 at 12:22 PM
Let me start off by saying Im very sorry for your loss... I know how it feels to think you will never have a baby.... I was told at 13 Id NEVER have chidren... I was young at the time and it affeted me but, not so much until I got older and into a relationship with my SO we've been together 7 yrs now... Well, long story short I eneded u getting pregnant in Jan 07 and didnt evenknow I was till I went to the e.r because I had thee most excrusiating period cramps and very heavy bleeding then miscarried the baby.... I was hurt lost sad and confused I didnt understand why I had m/c this coulda been it this was my chance at having a baby and I had failed... Mind you I was 18 and had just lost my mom 6mths earlier to caner so I was already emotionally distressed.... Any who I got on with my life and we started to use protection for a few mths but, then were just like screw it if its meant to happen it will... i got preggo in Feb 09 and again m/c same as first didnt know I was preggo... Well, we got preggo in March of 09 and found out in April of 09.... I was excited nervous, anxious all of the emotions you would feel after a m/c..... They set me up an u/s because of my past and all that and I seen my baby at 6 wks 4 days along and again at 12.... After the 1st trimester I thought I was all in the clear I was gonna be a mommy.... I went on to have for the most part a healthy pregnany untill I went in for a routine weekly appt at 37wks 4day.... And thats when my life really changed FOREVER.... They couldnt find my babygirls tiny heart beat and it was there just 1 week before.... I was ordered to goto the hospital to get an u/s and that when they confirmed thee worst feeling Ive ever had in the pit of my stomache... I had lost my babygirl at 37 1/2 wks just 17 days before my due date... I found out I was in labor and would deliver her naturally.... And about 5 hours later I delivered a perfect 6lbs 8oz babygirl on 11-24-09.... I was so hurt the feelings I had felt before except this time X's 1000000 I lost 22lbs in 2wks I couldnt eat or sleep I started having anxiety and all that.... I rmember ppl always telling me it wasnt meant to be or god needed her or everything happens for a reason and I got the point where Id start to be a bitch to eryne that would mention any of them things to me.... I ended up getting pregnant just a few mths later and had a very very complicating pregnancy and on November 13th 2010 just 11 days before her big sisters 1yr angelversary/ birthday I gave birth to a beautiful screaming healthy babygirl at 5:13pm weighing 5lbs 6oz at 36wks 1 day.... What Im getting to is everything does happen for a reason even if we dont like, understand, or know what that reason is.... It WILL happen when itsMEANT to trust me Ive been there... And they told me NEVER remember you always have that 2% chance good luck to you and yours :) Lots f sticky baby dust... Btw dont try it hapens when you least expect it :)