With my heart still so very heavy I am trying to step back out into the world. It's becoming not so much of a heartache to enter a super market and see babies every isle I turn down, I find I am not tearing up as I shop and even found myself smiling at the little faces who were looking my way. I am not any were close to being able to enter my son's nursery so it sits with the door closed the last three months. I was able to clean the dust from our china cabinet were Ethan's ashes are kept, my fear of not putting his ern down stopped me from doing that for months. I was able to talk to him and set the ern back in it's place next to his bear and blanket. I did find myself smelling his blanket at one point with hopes of the lingering baby smell still on it but had no luck. I am still in therapy and would guess at least the next few months will be that way for me but have stopped taking the depression meds because they make me so tired all the time and who has time for that. The emotions I feel are still with me regardless and I'm at a point were I have no fears of being sad at points for my son's death, loosing a part of you should be morned freely as long as I am in control of my sadness. I finally am......
I started helping out at my son's after school program and after a few weeks of stopping in on a Wed afternoon I was offered a job. I took it! My husband has been supportive through all of this and even with his pain not running so deaply he get's how much I am hurting. We will see how we feel about trying again after Ethan's first birthday has come and gone.....At this point I'm not feeling like I could deal with another loose of life.
Hugs to all you girls.......
by Txmommy13February 9, 2011 at 10:17 AM
Im so sorry,it sounds like your are the right path to healing emotionally.After having 3 early losses in a year im still trying to find the right balance of emotions. I dont always let my emotions flow freely and i think thats a big part of whats delaying the process for me.My dh is being patient with me and i am working through my grief by writting in a journal and it seems to help.
Im realy glad your at a better place now,and i hope you continue to move forward and heal.Im here if you need anything.
February 9, 2011 at 10:26 AMI am glad you are starting to be able to have a more normal life again. It is very difficult. I still always have my son and sadness part of me but I am also able to go through my life pretty normal on the outside. Keep hanging in there!
by mandyjhFebruary 10, 2011 at 1:40 PMBig hugs! Hang in there Hun.