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Anonymous
In a deep mess...
by Anonymous
December 4, 2017 at 1:09 AM

and I'm being literal. I'm in a deep mess. I need some advise on how to fix this.

Here's the deal: single mom of 3, but only 2 kids still live at home. I'm battling severe depression. I've seen a counselor, been on meds (not at the moment though), done therapy, yada yada yada... but this particular aspect of my depression has not been resolved in 20+ years. My house is a disaster. My kitchen has dishes in it that haven't been clean in probably an entire year, and I'm not exaggerating. I don't think some of the dishes have been cleaned since LAST Christmas. Yes, I've done SOME of the dishes since then, but they keep piling up. My living room is a disaster as well; my desk is covered with paperwork, and the rest of the living room is filled with my daughter's crap. My bedroom is the WORST. You cannot see the floor, and there's a thin path to walk to my bed, and that's it. The rest is covered in clothing, mostly my daughter's, but some suitcases as well. My garage is filled with empty boxes, old furniture, and things I've been trying to sell that once belonged to my deceased mother, and now stuff from my deceased father are starting to pile up as well. The worst of everything is that I KNOW there's a rodent in my house, and it loves my room, and it's scritch scratching all night and keeping me awake.

I TRY to egg myself on and animate myself to actually clean, but I look at the mess and my depression and anxiety get the best of me and I'm either not at home enought to actually do anything, or I'm sitting on the computer and playing games, or just laying in bed trying to sleep. I've been this way since I was a child... my parents had to ground me from everything other than school so I would clean my room, and I just sat in my room reading magazines or books for weeks on end instead of cleaning. 

NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE will help me no matter how much I ask nicely, make it a daily chore, plead, beg, scream, yell, go ballistic, etc... 

My oldest doesn't even want to come home to visit because he knows how messy the house is, and if he DOES come home to visit, he ends up only staying for a few hours, and then goes and spends the night at a friends house usually. :'(

I'm on one income, which is barely enough to pay rent and utilites. I'm on food stamps becuase I don't make enough to feed us after bills are paid. I can't afford to move to a new place because I would end up having to pay double what I already pay... I can't really afford to hire someome to help me either, which I know I really need some professional help right about now. :'(

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! 

It's hard to explain how I am feeling, or how this is impacting everything I do... 

Replies

  • zboys
    by zboys
    December 4, 2017 at 8:58 AM

    Can you get a friend to help you get started?   Write down one thing each day to clean like the dishes.  Maybe that would help.

    My son, when he does come home to visit, comes in late and then eats breakfast here while we chat briefly.  Last time he was here, he did just that and then spent the rest of the day and eve at a friends' house.  I'm glad my sons aren't the only ones who do that.

  • virginiamama71
    December 4, 2017 at 9:20 AM
    If you don't teach your children what needs to be done to maintain a home how do you expect them to help you.

  • Oliviasmom72
    December 4, 2017 at 12:53 PM

    How old are your kids? They should not have to live in a mess. I feel bad for them.

    I would suck it up and reach out and ask for help in cleaning up your house. Your kids are minors still it sounds like and CPS can still get involved if the house is that bad.

    Where is your family? Parents still alive?

    I think you know doing nothing is bnot helping. I always have more motivation to do stuff when I write it down.

    Small goals. Do sink and dishes 1 day. Then slowly clean other parts of the house.

    If you can, you may want to get a second job to catch up. Your kids sound like they are old enough to stay home alone? You didnt mention their ages are they teens?

    clean the house first. Catch up financially and maybe get a second part time job to help pay bills.

    Ask your family for help. Thats why they are there. They probbaly have no idea you are struggling.

    good luck




  • M4LG5
    by M4LG5
    December 4, 2017 at 12:57 PM

    Do you have anyone your kids can stay with it for a weekend?  Do you have anyone that would be willing to help you during that weekend?

    I'm thinking that maybe if you put forward a commitment to at least start on the house.....throw a whole bunch of stuff away.....while someone is there helping you, then maybe you can get started.

    For now, I tell my students to say "Just 5 minutes" when they want to procrastinate.  I ask "what usually happens after 5 minutes"....they respond "I end up doing it longer." 

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    December 4, 2017 at 4:14 PM


    Quoting virginiamama71: If you don't teach your children what needs to be done to maintain a home how do you expect them to help you.

    The thing is, we HAVE done it before...  but I am VERY concious that I am not doing very well in teaching my own kids how to maintain a home...

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    December 4, 2017 at 4:27 PM


    Quoting Oliviasmom72:

    How old are your kids? They should not have to live in a mess. I feel bad for them.

    I would suck it up and reach out and ask for help in cleaning up your house. Your kids are minors still it sounds like and CPS can still get involved if the house is that bad.

    Where is your family? Parents still alive?

    I think you know doing nothing is bnot helping. I always have more motivation to do stuff when I write it down.

    Small goals. Do sink and dishes 1 day. Then slowly clean other parts of the house.

    If you can, you may want to get a second job to catch up. Your kids sound like they are old enough to stay home alone? You didnt mention their ages are they teens?

    clean the house first. Catch up financially and maybe get a second part time job to help pay bills.

    Ask your family for help. Thats why they are there. They probbaly have no idea you are struggling.

    good luck



    My kids are 9, 17, and 20 (at college an hour away).

    Both parents are deceased, my dad just this year. That's part of why I'm worse this year with my depression...  I have one sister, but she has no transportation and lives 2 hours away. Other than than, no family at all.

    I've tried working two jobs... I could not mentally handle the stress. I was working 7 days a week with no break- Monday through Friday 8-4 at one job, and Fri, Sat, Sun at the other... I got to the point where I made a critical mistake at my second job, and would have been fired if I had not requested to take a month off for mental health. I ended up quitting completely. 

    We've even had chore charts created to help us. Each of us in the house taking specific things each day, and different areas of the house each week... Worked for one week, if that, even though I banned electronics until we could get things cleaned up.

    I'm at the point where I've tried everything imaginable to get myself motivated, and to get my own kids motivated to clean everything up, and then maintain it. We've actually had the house spotless before, but then could not maintain it spotless. 

    As for friends to help, I don't have many friends that I can trust to help me with anything. Only 2 people, and one is battling cancer right now, and the other works as much as I do. 



    I do appreciate your comments, and I am trying to find that motivation and get out of my depressive funk... 

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    December 4, 2017 at 4:30 PM


    Quoting M4LG5:

    Do you have anyone your kids can stay with it for a weekend?  Do you have anyone that would be willing to help you during that weekend?

    I'm thinking that maybe if you put forward a commitment to at least start on the house.....throw a whole bunch of stuff away.....while someone is there helping you, then maybe you can get started.

    For now, I tell my students to say "Just 5 minutes" when they want to procrastinate.  I ask "what usually happens after 5 minutes"....they respond "I end up doing it longer." 

    I'm struggling to find anyone that could help me that I trust.  


    Boy am I a mess. :'( 


    At least writing this out is helping me a little to realize how bad of a situation I've put myself and my kids in. 

  • lyzzefrago
    December 4, 2017 at 4:31 PM
    You are okay, my room has been a mess since I got my own room at 7 and other than the first few days after unpacking it’s never been clean other than when my boyfriend lived with me and he would say if you don’t clean our room I’m going to and since it was MY house lol (my parents really but “mine”) that made me do it. He moved out last year in September to go to uc Davis and it hasn’t been clean since. When I lived alone in Sacramento my parents would clean my dishes and my bathroom for me I basically only swept. And my whole house is super clean, my parents “taught me” how to maintain a house I just have other priorities I need a dishwasher and laundry and more space is really my issue right now. Anyway enough about me what I’m trying to say is don’t let this get you down, you gotta start somewhere and when you start throwing away your old trash and papers and stuff that can be tossed you will see such a difference that already makes. Try to distract yourself while washing dishes when I lived alone and ran out of dishes because I bought so few knowing otherwise I wouldn’t clean them and would need to watch I used to watch Hulu and do dishes on the commercials and it always worked for me :). You can do it.
  • virginiamama71
    December 4, 2017 at 4:40 PM
    The dishes...has no one noticed dishes piling up in the sink for a year?

    Quoting Anonymous 1:

    Quoting virginiamama71: If you don't teach your children what needs to be done to maintain a home how do you expect them to help you.

    The thing is, we HAVE done it before...  but I am VERY concious that I am not doing very well in teaching my own kids how to maintain a home...

  • Anonymous 1
    by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster
    December 4, 2017 at 4:50 PM

    Oh, it's VERY noticiable... and we've been eating off paper plates, or eating elsewhere. :'( 

    Quoting virginiamama71: The dishes...has no one noticed dishes piling up in the sink for a year?
    Quoting Anonymous 1:


    Quoting virginiamama71: If you don't teach your children what needs to be done to maintain a home how do you expect them to help you.

    The thing is, we HAVE done it before...  but I am VERY concious that I am not doing very well in teaching my own kids how to maintain a home...


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