Soooooo My ex's mother messaged me on FB. I'm torn on how to respond.
Her son has a court order to have visitation but hasn't seen my son in almost 3 years. He just now contacted me 3 weeks ago asking to have my son call him and I said "per court order, you're supposed to call him not my son call you! You have my number, it hasn't changed in over 4+ years, learn how to pick up the phone for calling him instead of everyone else."
He has yet to still call. His parents have never called my son before, never bought my son so much as a birthday present, have bad mouthed me because I refused to move to Toledo (1 1/2 hrs away from where my family is, the only family my sons know) because it's more convenient for his son who has an issue with keeping a job and they expect me to uproot and start all over. Mind you... my ex and I haven't been together for 11 years and they are still trash talking me.
So what would you do in this situation? Below is the the message!
This is what she said on FB to me:
I am Paul's mom. I would like your permission to keep in touch with Manny. I would love to be able to call and talk with him sometime, but only if you will allow us. You can call us @ XXX-XXX-XXXX and let us know. I hope you are both doing well and I look forward to hearing from you.
Sorry for the confusion... my son is 12 almost 13... his father and I haven't been together for 11 years. There is no court date yet.... I'm wanting to take him back so that he can get even more restrictions on visitation or none preferably since he has a problem with following them now.... We just don't have the $$$ for it right now.
My son knows it's his decision on whether he wants his sperm donor and his family in his life. Honestly... my son wants more to do with my ex's now ex wife and her family than his sperm donor. So that tells you where his loyalty lies. He knows his sperm donor rather be with other females... he told me that his sperm donor was cheating on his step mother before his step mother told me. He told me one day "Paul is seeing some girl behind Becca's back. Is that how a marriage is supposed to be? Because Paul said that Becca and him had an open marriage but Becca doesn't know about the girl and I need to keep a secret about it!"
Yes he calls his sperm donor Paul.... there is no reason to call him dad since he doesn't act like one and that was my son's decision.
If something were to happen to me DF gets the boys. He's adopting them so there it is. I honestly don't want anything to do with either of my ex's and either do my boys.
I am not seeing the two things as connected. What your ex does isn't necessarily influencing or influenced by what his mother does. Maybe the in-laws are sick of their son's shenanigans and truly want a relationship with their grandson.
Here's how I would approach it. How will your son feel if he finds out now or later that his father and grandparents both reached out to him, but you shut them down.
I think the ex's offering his number was actually more respectful than just calling out of the blue. He put the ball in your court and you jammed it back in his face. If I were him, I'd be wondering what was being said to my son.
Think of the lesson you have the opportunity to teach: The opportunity to forgive and move forward. Naturally the ex and the grandparents need to earn that forgiveness and trust, but it won't happen if you just ignore them.
What would happen if something were to happen to you? Where would your son go?
FB is not reaching out to you or your son and I agree with you, why put you in the position of explaining to your son he should call his father and grandparents who never reached out before? You don't have to do anything to help them, you have been busy parenting your son. They can't just step in and out like that, behavior like this from the dad only confuses kids, just don't criticize or bad mouth them in front of your son, let his decisions be his or else he will blame you for keeping him from his dad despite of everything the father didn't do. Good luck.