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Having the father apart of the baby's life, no matter how he treats you
March 1, 2013 at 2:25 AM

So I will give you a quick background on my situation but if you just want to give me your opinion here is the question I am struggling with.

"Should I allow the father to be part of the baby's life, even though he is mentally unstable, verbally abussive, and refuses to get any type of help"

So here is the background of this question. I am 27 and was dating an older man (almost 40). We had been friends (actually I was his younger sister best friend) and I have been close with his family for over 10 years. We dated about 7 years ago but broke up over his emotional issues and depression but remained friends. We started dating again last year and things were going great. He has always been a bit "different" but I thought he was just trying to be eccentric (the Peter Pan complex). He had a complete mental breakdown (not his first) and we broke up, it was very ugly. After a while things calmed down and he acted like nothing happen. I was offered a great job out of state and then found out that I was 3 months pregnant. So I told him and explained I needed to just get my head wrapped around the situation and what I was going to do. He kept pushing me to see him and talk to him (texting me and calling me 65 times a day for 2 weeks). When I told him yes he was going to be part of the baby's life but I had to figure out what I was going to do with mine he became very abusive (verbally not physically). He started threatening me and harrassing me. I have watched him with his other "baby mama". He talked about how he was planning on killing her and taking his daughter away, having nothing to do with his daughter for weeks (sometimes months) then showing up and demanding to see her. He and his family constantly talk about how the white people keep the black folks down and take their childen (I am white he is black). I am not sure if he is dangerouse because he can be the sweetest kindest man in the world. But he is so unstable I am not sure what to do. I decided to stay in the same state (my family is some what helping me out) but now I am not sure what to do. His family refuses to admit he has a mental problem, even though he has been commited against his will. They believe I am the white whore who is just trying to take his baby away. What is your opinion on the best thing to do for the baby?


  • Blue_Spiral
    March 1, 2013 at 4:29 AM

    If it was me I would never let him see an inch of that baby and if it's something that is really really REALLY important to you, then make sure he has only third party visitation.

    Change your number, don't let him know your home address, etc. etc.

    Keep the distance between you two as far as possible.

  • s.osborne
    March 1, 2013 at 7:35 AM

     Um, HELL NO.

  • Ridingsolo
    March 1, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    No, keep him away from the baby.  My ex has mental issues too, he was much older too.  He is not involved and not on the bc.

    Did you put this man's name on the birth certificate?  If you did, you need to get a custody ordre in place ASAP.  If he isn't on the birth cert, then you automatically have sole custody right now.  You should keep him away because he is very unstable.  Document everything that happens and has happened, so that if he ever did take you to court, you have evidence of his instability.

  • tyfry7496
    March 1, 2013 at 9:03 AM
    Only supervised visits which would be supervised by me or someone that I trust. I would also be asking for a psych eval before any visitation happens.
  • mama.samm.2.3
    March 1, 2013 at 9:23 AM
    I totally agree with this! A good friend of mine was in a similar situation. And her childs father was/is very unstable. So she had supervised visits set up. Well he seemed to be doing really well. So she allowed him an unsupervised visit. Well he took the baby and tried to run to Africa (where he is from). If it is important to you that he is allowed to see his child make sure it is supervised. Either by someone you trust, you, or go through like social services.

    Quoting tyfry7496:

    Only supervised visits which would be supervised by me or someone that I trust. I would also be asking for a psych eval before any visitation happens.

  • fvemptynester
    March 1, 2013 at 9:44 AM

    First of all - you really need to find out the laws in your state about custody.  Be on top of your game.  Have the upper edge for your childs safety and future of this man/father.  He definetly has rights as a father and the last thing you need is not to be protecting your child by not being ahead of what you think may happen.  In California - there are child protective process in place that I feel can go either way.  DOCUMENT and copy text, messages especially threats to you and or your child.  This will definetly help you win any possible actions of a childs safety.  Even if the family members contact you to discuss anything document everything.  I took photos, scanner copies of every text that was sent to me for harrasment and restraining order purposes.  I took copies of every email sent to me and won three years restraining order just because I was in fear of what he may do when I just broke up with a boyfriend.  So copies of everything helps. Do not let them know that you are keeping copies, tracking anything, they may not be themselves or your threat will only damage what would really would have been said or done.  Call cops when necessary if you feel threaten if he shows up, but just be prepared to show why you feel child is in danger,  Dont wait for that day to come....GOOD LUCK!!

  • jessi2girls
    March 1, 2013 at 9:46 AM

    Why would you even consider it? He's made threats to kill people! HELLO!

    No, I wouldn't have him apart of the childs life!

  • STVUstudent
    March 1, 2013 at 9:53 AM

    Personally?  I would drop of the face of the earth before I allowed a mentally unstable person who has threatened to harm his other children AND been abusive to me have any part of my kid's life.

    It sounds like his family will not accept you and can not keep your child safe.  So where is the dilemna? 

    Prisons and mental institutions are full of people who were the sweetest kindest people in the world until they just snapped and killed their kid/spouse/ex.  your job is to keep your child safe, and if you KNOW he is unstable and not getting help, well, duh...

  • STVUstudent
    March 1, 2013 at 9:58 AM

    If the baby has not been born yet, you do not have to name him on the birth certificate.  You can, for your own safety, put father unknown, or just make someone up! 

    That is what my kids BM did... by the time their adoption was final, four different guys had been tagged as the father... 

  • Robsessed98
    March 1, 2013 at 11:40 AM
    If he is a good dad and not verbally abusive to his other kid(s), I think he should be allowed visitation (preferably supervised by an unbiased third party). What matters is your child's relationship with the dad. Your relationship with him is irrelevant imo. Don't speak to him at all. Make all communication by email or text.

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