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Lurion
Help me modify my timesharing and CS agreement!! UPDATED WITH A TWIST!
by Lurion
February 7, 2013 at 3:34 PM

Ex just informed me he has a job offer 3 1/2 hours away. He's been miserable at his current job, working 6 and 7 days a week, and is worried he was going to be fired in a corporate buyout anyway (restaurant industry). He's looked around here for months but no offers. 

Our current agreement says he has them 2 nights a week every other week (Sunday and Monday nights) plus one flex night during the week. In reality, he's had them a lot less than that because of said job.

The new job has offered to give him every other weekend off. He's proposing we meet half way and the kids go there 2 weekends a month. I'm thinking he comes here one weekend a month and they go there one weekend? He's welcome to stay here if he wants. 

Kids are 14 and 7 and very active in their activities, including weekends. 

Any ideas for a good revision to the time sharing? 

On CS, he'd be making almost $10K a year less. I think he should still keep the support at least at the same amount, as he will have them a lot less than the 40% on which we based that amount. 

What do you think? 

Thanks in advance for all replies. 

Sorry--here's an update with a twist! 

Ok so dx hits me with the news last night that he's moving 3 1/2 hours away and moving in with a gf I never knew existed and the kids have never met! 

And he thinks it would be great if I had coffee with her today. HELP! 

A couple relevants: 

  • He will be taking a $10K cut in pay to move and plans to make ends meet by moving in with his gf. She doesn't have children. My kids are 7 and 14. 
  • He says he met this girl 3 years ago when we were separated-- he was living 3 hours away b/c of work. This was a time when we were supposed to be "trying to work things out" (I guess one of us was trying!) and they dated for 6 months. During that year he was away and seeing her, he only managed to see the kids 4-5 times, twice when I drove them up. The past couple years while he and I were definitlely through, she moved to another state and I guess they've been in touch, doing long-distance off and on during that time. 
  • I told him I thought it might be a good idea for the kids' sake to ease into it a little, maybe rent his own apartment for 6 months and see how it goes? Introduce them first, have them build a rapport? His call for sure, I just want them to be in a good situation.
  • We're trying to arrange the details of back-and-forth (suggestions welcome)
  • While I don't exactly agree with the way they've brought this all about, I want him to be happy and can put the personal stuff behind me. He's a great dad. 
  • Have to add--he has never spent much time at all with the kids! He has worked 80+ hours a week throughout the entire marriage. He does the minimum now in picking them up for "his" nights, at 8pm. So this new arrangement wouldn't be much of a change for anyone. He's there in spirit, but rarely in person. 

So my question to all you moms and stepmoms is--what is relevant to discuss at this first meeting? What do you wish you had known, said or discussed? How can we get this whole thing off on the best foot possible? 



Replies

  • sid1083
    by sid1083
    February 8, 2013 at 5:30 AM
    If you go through a court, they'll decide on cs, unless you two agree to a different amount (close to the state guidelines though). A $10K drop per year is nothing to balk at.

    As far as time goes, I don't much care for the suggestion that he comes to you one weekend a month. That costs additional $ if he's staying in a hotel and it puts him in an awkward position to stay with an ex to try to save the money. Not only that, but if he gets in a new relationship, that's certainly a boundary that to most women is an unacceptable crossing. If he asks to stay, that's one thing; but I think if he wants them eow, that's perfectly acceptable given the distance.
  • victoriahearts
    February 8, 2013 at 10:00 AM

    Yeah I sort of have to agree with the prior post, having him come down to you one weekend a month and stay with you or get a hotel is not really being fair, I think you will have to agree to keep the two weekends a month and meet him half way. As for child support I would also try to be fair in that matter, I understand that you have them most of the time and it's a lot of money to raise children but 10 k  a year less is also a big cut to some one's pay check. And if the courts get involved the will cut child support based on such a drop income, I would suggest trying to work it out , outside of court so that it benefits you more.  Best of luck trying to work this out. 

  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    February 8, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    Thanks for the input. I do want to be fair and am trying to figure out what that is. 

    PS Could I ask you to read the other post I just made and add your opinon? Turns out he actually took that job to move in with his gf. I'm okay with it all, but don't really think it's fair for me to have to pay for his decision. Also, the kids are very active in competitive cheer, Girl Scouts, theater, etc. Their weekends are really booked. It would be a major disruption for them not to be able to participate twice a month. I thought once a month was generous. 

    As far as CS, again I would much rather keep it out of court, but it is my impression that they go on what he is capable of making. If he voluntarily took a $10K pay cut to be closer to his gf, I'm not sure I should have to pay the price for that. I'm sure we'll work something out. 



    Quoting victoriahearts:

    Yeah I sort of have to agree with the prior post, having him come down to you one weekend a month and stay with you or get a hotel is not really being fair, I think you will have to agree to keep the two weekends a month and meet him half way. As for child support I would also try to be fair in that matter, I understand that you have them most of the time and it's a lot of money to raise children but 10 k  a year less is also a big cut to some one's pay check. And if the courts get involved the will cut child support based on such a drop income, I would suggest trying to work it out , outside of court so that it benefits you more.  Best of luck trying to work this out. 



  • victoriahearts
    February 8, 2013 at 10:47 AM

    The thing is that you said he looked for a job near you for months without any success until he decide to look further away, yes it could have been because he wanted to move in with his gf but he is an adult, those decision are strictly his to make. Unfortunately the court won't care why he moved and even if you told the court that he willing took  a pay cut to move in with his gf , he can turn around and say that he actually took the pay cut because he feared losing in job when the take over happens. And I'm not sure how it works in your state but in NY it's strictly based on income and it's a set percentage based on how many children you have, one child is 17% of his income, two kids and up is 21% of his income.


    As for your children's activities, yes it sucks majorly because they are involved in so much but you have a  man that is willing to be a father and be there for your children , I think that is worth more then a few missed activities. I pay for all my son's activities which are super expensive but if the choose is my son missing a class or event to send time with my ex I'm willing to take the hit financially so that he can have a better relationship with his dad. Like I said before you need to try to work this out, outside of court and not get caught up on why he moved and so on, because the court is going to choose what is fair and it will mostly not benefit you and they also will not take into account the gf situation. So treat your situation like you think the court will and try to be fair and come out on top. It's difficult I know but it's something you have to do. 


    Quoting Lurion:

    Thanks for the input. I do want to be fair and am trying to figure out what that is. 

    PS Could I ask you to read the other post I just made and add your opinon? Turns out he actually took that job to move in with his gf. I'm okay with it all, but don't really think it's fair for me to have to pay for his decision. Also, the kids are very active in competitive cheer, Girl Scouts, theater, etc. Their weekends are really booked. It would be a major disruption for them not to be able to participate twice a month. I thought once a month was generous. 

    As far as CS, again I would much rather keep it out of court, but it is my impression that they go on what he is capable of making. If he voluntarily took a $10K pay cut to be closer to his gf, I'm not sure I should have to pay the price for that. I'm sure we'll work something out. 



    Quoting victoriahearts:

    Yeah I sort of have to agree with the prior post, having him come down to you one weekend a month and stay with you or get a hotel is not really being fair, I think you will have to agree to keep the two weekends a month and meet him half way. As for child support I would also try to be fair in that matter, I understand that you have them most of the time and it's a lot of money to raise children but 10 k  a year less is also a big cut to some one's pay check. And if the courts get involved the will cut child support based on such a drop income, I would suggest trying to work it out , outside of court so that it benefits you more.  Best of luck trying to work this out. 





  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    February 8, 2013 at 10:51 AM

    Thanks for the advice! Will consider it carefully. 



    Quoting victoriahearts:

    The thing is that you said he looked for a job near you for months without any success until he decide to look further away, yes it could have been because he wanted to move in with his gf but he is an adult, those decision are strictly his to make. Unfortunately the court won't care why he moved and even if you told the court that he willing took  a pay cut to move in with his gf , he can turn around and say that he actually took the pay cut because he feared losing in job when the take over happens. And I'm not sure how it works in your state but in NY it's strictly based on income and it's a set percentage based on how many children you have, one child is 17% of his income, two kids and up is 21% of his income.


    As for your children's activities, yes it sucks majorly because they are involved in so much but you have a  man that is willing to be a father and be there for your children , I think that is worth more then a few missed activities. I pay for all my son's activities which are super expensive but if the choose is my son missing a class or event to send time with my ex I'm willing to take the hit financially so that he can have a better relationship with his dad. Like I said before you need to try to work this out, outside of court and not get caught up on why he moved and so on, because the court is going to choose what is fair and it will mostly not benefit you and they also will not take into account the gf situation. So treat your situation like you think the court will and try to be fair and come out on top. It's difficult I know but it's something you have to do. 


    Quoting Lurion:

    Thanks for the input. I do want to be fair and am trying to figure out what that is. 

    PS Could I ask you to read the other post I just made and add your opinon? Turns out he actually took that job to move in with his gf. I'm okay with it all, but don't really think it's fair for me to have to pay for his decision. Also, the kids are very active in competitive cheer, Girl Scouts, theater, etc. Their weekends are really booked. It would be a major disruption for them not to be able to participate twice a month. I thought once a month was generous. 

    As far as CS, again I would much rather keep it out of court, but it is my impression that they go on what he is capable of making. If he voluntarily took a $10K pay cut to be closer to his gf, I'm not sure I should have to pay the price for that. I'm sure we'll work something out. 



    Quoting victoriahearts:

    Yeah I sort of have to agree with the prior post, having him come down to you one weekend a month and stay with you or get a hotel is not really being fair, I think you will have to agree to keep the two weekends a month and meet him half way. As for child support I would also try to be fair in that matter, I understand that you have them most of the time and it's a lot of money to raise children but 10 k  a year less is also a big cut to some one's pay check. And if the courts get involved the will cut child support based on such a drop income, I would suggest trying to work it out , outside of court so that it benefits you more.  Best of luck trying to work this out. 







  • easinpc
    by easinpc
    February 8, 2013 at 1:23 PM

    Here's a bump for ya!  good luck!

  • faerie75
    February 8, 2013 at 1:52 PM

     leave the past in the past. you guys arent together so dont dwell on him seeing her on your break. it doesnt matter now.

    i would just meet her to be frank with you. if you want the same amount of support with a 10k paycut let him cut corners where he needs to. maybe he cant afford his own apt while paying support. meet the chick to ease your mind. just be yourself and polite, you dont have to be besties just civil is sufficient but if you can be friendly thats good. i still would make sure my kids dad knows that i will onhly deal w him regarding issue w the kids though.

    i got off to rocky start w BM because she was not over SO and showed her ass. she never asked to meet me either. i didnt care to meet her but i would have understood had she asked to meet me and would have complied as long as she was civil. we are civil now. lol (shes a crazy pants though)

  • sunshine389142
    February 8, 2013 at 11:45 PM

    personally, i think if his work allows it every other weekend makes the most sense.  also... i think it is completely fair to meet half way for pick up/drop off times.  also, as much as it sucks...we don't get much say over what our ex's do with their life and their time with the children. 

    now as for the meeting the new girlfriend...personally i wouldn't be ready to do that so soon after first finding out of her existence...i mean i would be fine with something short, but I wouldnt be ready for a lunch or coffee or anything one on one....  But maybe this is just me.  my situation is pretty crazy with my ex's new gf.....

    now i have been a step-mom - and when i started i didn't have any kids either.  when i first became a step mom, i didn't have a sit down or meeting with the kids mom (my ex's ex-wife).  we just sort of gradually started working together/sometimes not working together.  there weren't any major questions....and honestly I can't think of anything that I wanted to know or wish I would have known from her when things started.  now that i the mom and there is a new gf....the only questions i had were of my ex....i wanted to know where he was with things with her.  after a decent talk, i felt better.  i know he is serious about her - whether it will last who knows.  i know that she seems to be good with my daughter and my step-kids (technically not my step kids anymore).  I have limited knowledge about how things are between her and the kids, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.  At this stage I don't want to talk to the new gf.  I know eventually if they stick together and all I will probably talk to her/work with her some, but right now, I am not there.  And i don't really care what she has to say unless she is going to be telling me something that directly concerns the care of my daughter.  however, this woman also attacked me....so maybe a different situation than most.

    What do you want from this meeting?  Do you have questions or concerns?  I just don't see any reason when things are new unless you actually have specific things you want to talk about.  I just have had bad experiences working with the ex-wife or the new gf.  I have been on both sides now I guess.  When I was the gf and working with his ex-wife, it just added stress to our life and made things more difficult than they probably needed to be for me.  Now as the ex dealing with the new gf....I just really don't see any reason to be talking to her.  She is not the parent to my child.  She is not the person that needs to be communicating with me about my child....Anything that needs to be said should be between the parents....and if the gf needs to communicate things she should do it through your ex until you are ready.   I am sure there are people who can get along great with the new gf/ex-wife....and I consider myself to be very reasonable so I do hope that eventually I will be able to have a good relationship with whoever is involved in my child's life.  right now, my ex's new gf is a bit too insecure for all that. 

    Whatever you do...good luck

  • Lurion
    by Lurion
    February 9, 2013 at 11:43 AM


    Thank you so much, that perspective really helped. I think you're right. It really wasn't my idea to meet for coffee. There's nothing I really need to say to her. 

    This whole drama has continued to roll out over the weekend. 

    I wrote out my own thoughts and feelings and guess the main thing I'd like to communicate to him (mostly) is that I truly want him to be in a healthy, happy relationship 'cause that can only be good for the kids. I hope he understands that to me, how they began this whole thing and how they are moving in together with the kids not knowing her, gives me cause for apprehension regarding their parenting judgment, integrity, and honesty. But Lord knows I've made my share of bad decisions in life and I'm willing to be open minded and try not to judge and hope for the best. 

    Still working on the visitation thing....




    Quoting sunshine389142:

    personally, i think if his work allows it every other weekend makes the most sense.  also... i think it is completely fair to meet half way for pick up/drop off times.  also, as much as it sucks...we don't get much say over what our ex's do with their life and their time with the children. 

    now as for the meeting the new girlfriend...personally i wouldn't be ready to do that so soon after first finding out of her existence...i mean i would be fine with something short, but I wouldnt be ready for a lunch or coffee or anything one on one....  But maybe this is just me.  my situation is pretty crazy with my ex's new gf.....

    now i have been a step-mom - and when i started i didn't have any kids either.  when i first became a step mom, i didn't have a sit down or meeting with the kids mom (my ex's ex-wife).  we just sort of gradually started working together/sometimes not working together.  there weren't any major questions....and honestly I can't think of anything that I wanted to know or wish I would have known from her when things started.  now that i the mom and there is a new gf....the only questions i had were of my ex....i wanted to know where he was with things with her.  after a decent talk, i felt better.  i know he is serious about her - whether it will last who knows.  i know that she seems to be good with my daughter and my step-kids (technically not my step kids anymore).  I have limited knowledge about how things are between her and the kids, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.  At this stage I don't want to talk to the new gf.  I know eventually if they stick together and all I will probably talk to her/work with her some, but right now, I am not there.  And i don't really care what she has to say unless she is going to be telling me something that directly concerns the care of my daughter.  however, this woman also attacked me....so maybe a different situation than most.

    What do you want from this meeting?  Do you have questions or concerns?  I just don't see any reason when things are new unless you actually have specific things you want to talk about.  I just have had bad experiences working with the ex-wife or the new gf.  I have been on both sides now I guess.  When I was the gf and working with his ex-wife, it just added stress to our life and made things more difficult than they probably needed to be for me.  Now as the ex dealing with the new gf....I just really don't see any reason to be talking to her.  She is not the parent to my child.  She is not the person that needs to be communicating with me about my child....Anything that needs to be said should be between the parents....and if the gf needs to communicate things she should do it through your ex until you are ready.   I am sure there are people who can get along great with the new gf/ex-wife....and I consider myself to be very reasonable so I do hope that eventually I will be able to have a good relationship with whoever is involved in my child's life.  right now, my ex's new gf is a bit too insecure for all that. 

    Whatever you do...good luck



  • rsmeyer54
    February 9, 2013 at 9:10 PM

    If he took the pay decrease, regardless the reason the court will NOT refigure the amount in his favor.  2ndly 10,000 is nothing in the court system.  Also, he will be at an advantage not disadvantage financially.  He will be living in a 2 income house where there are not other kids that he needs to help support.  Also, in our divorce decree it states that the children are not expected to miss their activities.  Good luck!

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