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Jodyb75
Long Post: Furious with ex's wife
by Jodyb75
February 5, 2013 at 9:00 PM

To start off i'm new to this group, I just needed somewhere to vent, i'm very frustrated and hurt. I'm not really sure where to begin, so I will start with the most recent episode. I call it an episode because I truly believe i'm living in a reality t.v. show LOL.

A little background, my ex and I have 5 children (ages 22d, 19d, 17d, 14d, and 9s) He has 3 step children with his current wife, and I have an 11 yo son that considers my ex a father. Ex has been married for 3.5 years to current wife. Current wifes oldest son molested our youngest son and has restrictions via protection order. Current wife has very different parenting style from mine (allows her children to have sex in their home, drink, smoke pot..etc...). Our 17 & 14 yo went to live with him fulltime about a year ago, our son lives with me fulltime. Recently 17d has decided she is bi and is dating a girl she goes to school with, this girl has not came out to her parents. I do not necessarily approve of my d having a gf, but i want her to be happy so i'm trying to accept it, even allowing them to visit during my vistation wknds. My rules differ greatly from what she's use to, at her dads she is allowed to have the gf spend the night. Recently my sons came home telling me they overheard/seen inappropriate things during the night from their sisters room. When I confronted ex about this he assured me he had been alerted and would handle the situation. Last wknd was my vistation wknd, my 17d txt saying she would not be coming to my house bc she was switching wknds so her brothers wouldn't be in the house when her gf was there visting and wouldn't be "seeing anything" this way. I then told her that I wasnt happy she'd chosen to swap wknds bc I like having all my children together at once, not swapping things around just bc of something that shouldn't be allowed anyways. So yesterday she txt asking if she could still come Friday..I responded with I have plans..she responded with can I come to your house so gf can pick me up...I responded with if you want to come here for my visitation thats fine but i'm not going to allow this if its just so you can go to gf...d responded with I can't believe you don't want to see me even if it's just for a little while thats not much of a mom....I said I do want to spend time with you, thats why I said you can come but not just as a way to get a ride to your gf, I then said I felt the gf's parents needed brought into the situation..thats when d got very biligerant throwing the F bomb all over the place at which time I responded with I love you but i'm putting my foot down. This is when things got worse. Later lastnight I got on FB and seen she had posted a status "That's fucking bullshit, you wanna use her against me because it'd hurt me? yea that's some kind of mother huh?. fucking love you too. I can't believe you'd stoop that low."  I intially wasn't going to respond bc she needs to vent also. Awhile later I noticed the SM had posted replies " Its okay........we know you aren't a toy to use and discard........now I don't have to share you.....lol...besides isn't it like being a hypocrate.......she wants to complain about what you do but she fails to tell the whole story...... smile...we love you." I responded with " really? sounds like your forgetting that Mike and I agreed to uphold each others decisions. Mike just told me to not allow her to pull this shit and you're going to put your two cents into the conversation? Shouldn't we allow her to vent without adding to the immaturity? I do not approve of many things that she is allowed to do, but i'm not butting in the middle until its being seen and heard by the younger children. All I'm saying is i'm not allowing her to use me for a ride when she didn't want to come here for my wknd anyways. I love her, but i'm not allowing this to become a habit". The SM then replied several times "  Kels is a deeply caring person and I'm sick of you not giving a shit.......really...its not your weekend....being their mother you should be jumping at the chance to spend whatever time you can with them seems how they don't even live with you anyways.The only time you want any of them living with you is when they can be of benefit to you........you use them for financial gain because you don't want to work....until you learn to be a mom...a real mom........and be there for the kids don't judge me......I have all of my kids all of the time....child support or not.......and I don't use them for maids either while I lay in bed all freakin day while my man and kids clean.......its ok..........I'm not mad I just don't agree with how you treat kids you gave birth to then treat them like shit and threaten them with everything they care about because you want it to be your way...wake up this isn't mcdonalds, subway, or burger king..........its not the jody show either.......she wanted to spend time with just you this weekend and you chose to tell her no......your loss" .I wouldn't worry about anything. Give it a few days it will blow over............the door will be on your room soon anyways and I bet it was never mentioned that the boys took it upon themselves to pull the curtain back to spy on you.....just like do to the girls when they are in the shower" Then she went on to belittle me for not coming to see the girls between visitation wknds and tell me what an awful mother I am. Nevermind that I kept all of the kids all summer without ever asking for anything, they didn't offer to stop between visitation wknds at that time either?? 

This is not the first time she's publicly humiliated me on FB, she even talks to my children like this without an issue developing. This confrontation isn't nearly as bad as its been in the past, when she gets very vulgar about sexual issues to try to get under my skin.

I'm just at a breaking point and need some advice. 

Replies

  • faerie75
    February 7, 2013 at 7:16 PM

     it might not be fair but its the truth. a step mom only has whatever rights dad gives her. even if he won primary off the bio mom, she STILL only have the rights he gives her. if they were to divorce, she have no legal right to his children. the onyl way step mom has legal rights to decision making regarding her step children is if mom gives up her rights and step mom legally adopts them.

    of course step kids morally should be expected to be respectful of step mom, and any adult in their life. they hopefully would have a good bond w their step parent (they might not in some cases). and a good step parent will step up if a bio parent lacks. but legally they dont ahve rights unless bio parent is found unfit with no hope of reunification ( and that is rare) or volunatrily gives up rights and step parent adopts the kid.

    Quoting breebree04:

    You dont know that she "legally" doesnt have rights unless op stated that she is not on the court papers and I missed it somewhere. If they have been to court and dad and sm are married and living together the judge may have given custody to both.  I do not have any experience being a step parent or dealing with a step parent for my children but I do know quite a few step parents that have gotten custody of step children and when you get custody through the courts you get all the legal rights.  I dont agree with what sm is doing or saying to bm but she may not have "legal" rights but morally she should. She is raising the kids. Its not fair to have someone else raise your children, take care of them everyday, feed them, buy them all the necessary stuff they need and then tell them they have no rights.

     

    Quoting faerie75:

     it doesnt matter what one feels. legally a SM does not have rights. only what the dad delegates. i will say that if dad allows his kids to disrespect and does not help step mom w a united front, he is an ass but legally those kids are dads not step moms.

    Quoting breebree04:

     I agree with this, except for the part where the sm has no rights. Normally I would agree with that but 2 of the children are living with her and see is raising them so in that case I feel she does have some rights. However I also dont understand why the children are living there if one child has been molested and other children are being subjected to illegal (underage drinking/drug buying)/not age appropriate things.

     

    Quoting faerie75:

     block her on fb. and honestly, i would have taken my ex back to court when his wifes kid molested my kid, to get custody of all of them. i wouldnt be cool with my kids allowed that type of shit.

    dont talk to her or deal w her. any issues are between you and your ex. his wife only has whatever your kids dad allws. she has no rights.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • breebree04
    February 8, 2013 at 9:12 AM

     Well alls I know is I dont ever want to deal with being a step parent :) and hope if I ever put myself in that situation I get lucky enough to have a great relationship with step kids and can get along with bm. Thanks for the friendly debate!


    Quoting faerie75:

     it might not be fair but its the truth. a step mom only has whatever rights dad gives her. even if he won primary off the bio mom, she STILL only have the rights he gives her. if they were to divorce, she have no legal right to his children. the onyl way step mom has legal rights to decision making regarding her step children is if mom gives up her rights and step mom legally adopts them.

    of course step kids morally should be expected to be respectful of step mom, and any adult in their life. they hopefully would have a good bond w their step parent (they might not in some cases). and a good step parent will step up if a bio parent lacks. but legally they dont ahve rights unless bio parent is found unfit with no hope of reunification ( and that is rare) or volunatrily gives up rights and step parent adopts the kid.

     

     

  • faerie75
    February 8, 2013 at 1:22 PM
    Oh you're welcome! :)

    I'm just saying because I'm not officially a step mom cuz I'm not married to my partner but we live together. It's not bad it's just a lot of things you wouldn't expect. If the other parent is active you have to give them space to do their thing and hope that they are civil. BM is civil an does not bad mouth me but I struggle w her crazy sometimes haha. (Her crazy is mostly off the subject of the kids) and also when you get with a father you and he have to hammer out expectations. So many women go ifo it wanting to do for them the same as their own. But they aren't your own.


    Quoting breebree04:

     Well alls I know is I dont ever want to deal with being a step parent :) and hope if I ever put myself in that situation I get lucky enough to have a great relationship with step kids and can get along with bm. Thanks for the friendly debate!




    Quoting faerie75:


     it might not be fair but its the truth. a step mom only has whatever rights dad gives her. even if he won primary off the bio mom, she STILL only have the rights he gives her. if they were to divorce, she have no legal right to his children. the onyl way step mom has legal rights to decision making regarding her step children is if mom gives up her rights and step mom legally adopts them.


    of course step kids morally should be expected to be respectful of step mom, and any adult in their life. they hopefully would have a good bond w their step parent (they might not in some cases). and a good step parent will step up if a bio parent lacks. but legally they dont ahve rights unless bio parent is found unfit with no hope of reunification ( and that is rare) or volunatrily gives up rights and step parent adopts the kid.


     


     

  • Robsessed98
    February 9, 2013 at 1:19 AM
    Trying to word this so its not an attack bc I don't know the details or the backstory... But why in the hell are your children living with your ex, especially since there is very little or next to zero parenting or supervision with their dad?!?I'm sure you must have reasons for it, although there isn't a good excuse here. ,but you better step up now and get them out of that house before they are too out of hand to be rescued. Seriously, the attacks on FB are the absolute last problem you need to address now. Take him to court, call and report him to CPS, whateverit takes. Step up and be their mother now.
  • tina08mommy
    February 9, 2013 at 1:29 AM
    Heres a bump
  • EachNewBreath
    February 10, 2013 at 7:14 AM

    I think that you should try and get custody of your children

    I think that the gf's parents should be involved. If you were still married and having issues with the gf then you would involve the other parents, so why would that change just because you are divorced? 

    I would save all of the texts and emails from all of your children as evidence so that way you can get custody of them

    IDK why the father is not doing anything... the SM certainly seems like she just wants to be a friend and not a mother.

    I could never imagine not having my son full time. But if he got older and just wanted to come over so he could hitch a ride from his gf I would ALSO say no! Its ok and GOOD to set the example for healthy relationships, which inculde boundaries! Its not ok to use someone. 

    I would sit down with you daughter and ask her what she wants from you relationship and then stick to that. It doesnt seem like she wants you in her life at all. :C I would wait until she does

    I think that you DO have a say about what goes on in their home since it effects YOUR children. thats just me though

  • EachNewBreath
    February 10, 2013 at 7:15 AM


    Normally  I would say that it is not ok to dictate what goes on in the ex's home, but that is only if the home is a good place for the children. Its ok to step in when the welfare of your children is at stake. You ALWAYS have a say when your children are at risk, no matter whoes home it is in. 


    Quoting MeeshMom:

    I wouldn't approve of the overnight visits in my home. But you can't control what goes on in your exes home so you have to let that go and stop threatening to tell that others girls parents she's gay.



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