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When is a separation the right step?
February 3, 2013 at 11:24 AM

My husband and I have been together 10 years,married for 2. We had our first child in April of 2012. Parenthood has very much highlighted the cracks in our relationship....conflicting energy levels,  and lack of lust. Even more compounding is the opposite work schedules we have taken on to minimize child care and the start up of a new music business career for my husband on top of his 40-hour work week.  So, basically I feel very much neglected. He is gone so much, and when he is home, I get the tired, cranky partner who nags on me for being too hyper, too silly, or too disorganized. My feelings are hurt. I do not feel appreciated.

I took a vacation with my little girl to visit my sisters. When I arrivd home, I told my husband we needed to take a little break to reset. To just have a week or two of space to regroup, find our feet, and our appreciation for each other. He stewed on is thought...and his looked at it from a much deeper rooted perspective of perhaps we are not in love. Perhaps we cannot fix our love life and our ability to have fun anymore because we just are not love, and we have different energies at are not, in the long run, compatible. Its been two months now of living with each other and trying to give it a go on fixing our problems...reading books, writing down and sharing our emotional needs, trying to meet those needs....but it all feels contrived, disingenuous, and every time he leaves for the studio...I just want to scream....where do I fit in? Where does our marriage fit in? Yes...I want to support my husband as he pursues his dream, tired and all...but I'm beginning to feel that my needs are being sacrificed and for what? I don't know. If he loved me, if he didn't question being in love with me...not just loving me....if he had lust for me...excitement for me....It would feel amazing to support him and be alone and have his back. But, I just feel neglected, so depressed, so scared to take the next step.

Will a separation just creat more distance? Or, could the space create an opportunity for us to light that spark and begin wth a new approach? I'm so focused on him not wantin's hard to also think....well is he right for me? The longer we are in this house together, the harder it becomes to feel the love that may be there be we're so emotional. 

Play advice as to when you knew the separation was the right next step

thank y oh and sorry for spelling errors...I new with the iPad! Sigh!


  • jcampbell288
    February 3, 2013 at 1:55 PM

    sounds dangerous...maybe try a schedule where you block out certain times for just you 2... or if you do seperate try "dating" again

  • JATomlinson
    February 3, 2013 at 2:04 PM

    I'm praying for you!  I think that if you're both willing to work on it then you should considder going to counseling once or twice a week.  This will allow you to express your feelings of being neglected to him, and he to express any hidden emotions to you, and a neutral party who can help you come up with solutions to these issues.  Also there's a good book called 'His Needs Her Needs' by Williard Harley Jr and it's a great book to work through with your spouse.

  • tyfry7496
    February 3, 2013 at 2:20 PM
    Have you gone to marriage counseling? You both need to make time for each other as partners. I wouldn't just give up because you're in a slump without trying everything possible to work it out.
  • brieri
    by brieri
    February 3, 2013 at 2:22 PM

     HI and welcome to the group.

    You took a little vacation from him already. When you got home, you told him you wanted to separate for awhile to regroup (reset) your priorities.  Yes, distancing yourselves from each other can make or break the marriage further apart.  Suggest either try marriage counseling, or try a weekender vacation just the two of you and talk about each others feelings.  Having a child in your lives, changes everything between you and it's hard work to keep a relationship alive.  Good luck in whatever you decide.

  • April242012
    February 3, 2013 at 4:24 PM

    Thank you. To everyone. I think we will try a date night once or twice a week to begin some nuturing of the relationship. Great advice! Well see how it goes...marriage counselor perhaps Nextel,

  • Cmyfantasyworld
    February 3, 2013 at 7:46 PM

    Speaking from experience. A seperation or open marraige or anything along those lines IS A BAD IDEA. 

    I could give my entire story, but I would rather not. IF you still want to try and make things work together then stick at that until both of you are sure its just not worth saving anymore. Once you go too far apart, its almost impossible to go back :/

  • Mommynwife26
    February 3, 2013 at 8:02 PM

    We basically were fighting NON stop, and our fights were getting worse. The last one we had was the breaking point, he broke my phone, took my keys and refused to let me leave. It was bad, we were BOTH at fault. We sepetated for a little over 3 months, during that time we both worked on ourselves and started seeing a counselor seperatly. After he came back home we started seeing a marriage counselor and we are doing much better thankfully. But to me there is time you just know it's not working and need time apart to figure things out. Good luck.

  • virgochild79
    February 3, 2013 at 8:31 PM

    You've only been married for 2 years, why don't you try therapy first? Marriage is hard and you have to work hard sometimes to make it work. Good luck

  • mama2gg
    by mama2gg
    February 3, 2013 at 8:39 PM

     Separations DO NOT work you either work things out now , or a seperation will help for a short time and you will be RIGHT BACK where you are.

    It's time for therapy and talking or to LEAVE...

    It sounds like its time to LEAVE and IF in the months to come you start working things out if not so be it your already set up in your new home, new life and don't have to depend on anyone

  • katinahat
    February 3, 2013 at 8:41 PM

    Instead of separating, I would try changing work schedules so that you have more time to spend together. A new baby can be very difficult to adapt to and you need time to bond together and develop your relationship as a team.

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