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nicmotivatedmom
connecting with my son
January 18, 2013 at 5:09 PM

Hi my name is nicole and I am a single mother. I have 2 children an 8 year old boy Deven and an almost 2 year old daughter. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughters father but the same cant be said about my sons. I feel like I am disconnected from my son because I HATE his father. When I got pregnant it was a total SURPRISE. I was not ready for children and I for sure didnt want to have kids with this man. He was just supposed to be a fun time... well as it tuned out I would be stuck with him in my life forever. He never really tried very hard to be a part of Devens life but was in and out. Hes an alcoholic and when we were together we would fight daily. It got to the point that everyday I would tell him I Fu**ing hate you! he was mentally abusive and threw a coffee table at me once. That was the end of things. I made him move out, but ever since then it feels like my relationship with my son has always been a challenge. We never got any real bonding time since I went back when he was 4 weeks old. His father wasnt around and I had to work FT to support us. I worked 7am-7 pm in CLE so the only time I really even got to spend with him was on the drive to and from work, and on the weekends.  I LOVE him with all my heart but a lot of times I dont like him. He looks and acts just like his dad and I am not sure how to get past this. Now his father and I have been seperated for 7 years and I still feel this way. I need help on ways that I can feel the same love for my son as I do for my daughter. I want so bad to hug him and feel that warm fuzzy feeling that I do when I hug my daughter. Maybe its because my son and I are very alike in that we are stubborn, bullheads, we yell and argue.. (we are Italian Lol) we do a lot sit and have civil conversations and hes a great kid. Smart, most times honest and polite gets good grades and so on  but I just dont feel the same connection. Anyone have any idea what I am talking about? I need some advise on things that I can do to connect better with him. THANKS

Replies

  • Robsessed98
    January 18, 2013 at 7:02 PM

    Welcome to the group. I can't give you any advice other than you need to find a way to separate him from his father in your mind. I think you should seek counseling soon and find a way to deal with it. I'm sure your son senses the difference in the way you feel about/treat him and his sister and it will have a bad effect on him. It's not the poor guy's fault and he deserves to be loved by his mother for who he is rather than not loved enough because of who she created him with...

  • LOLOSMOMMY11
    January 18, 2013 at 7:27 PM

    IDK WHAT TO SAY. I WAS FEELING SAD FOR YOU SON READING THIS. ESP THE PART WHEN YOU SAID AT TIMES YOU DONT LIKE HIM. I MEAN I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY. IM NOT WITH MY SONS FATHER EITHER BUT MY SON DOES NOT ACT LIKE HIM, IDK IF ITS BECAUSE HES STILL YOUNG. I THINK YOU SHOULD DEF GO TO COUNSELING ITS THE BEST THING FOR YOU AND YOUR SON. I DEF AGREE WITH THE FIRST REPLY YOUR SON WILL DEF OR MAYBE NOTICED HOW YOU TREAT HIM AND HIS SISTER. DO YOU EVER THINK THAT MAYB HES THE WAY HE IS BECAUSE HE HAS NOTICED THE WAY YOU ARE TOWARDS HIM AND HIS SISTER? DO YOU HUG HIM AND IF YOU DO WHAT IS IT THAT YOU FEEL WHEN YOU HUG HIM.

  • nicmotivatedmom
    January 20, 2013 at 2:04 AM

    I of course love my son very much. I hug him mulitple times a day, but its just differnt to me. I love to get hugs and give them and I make sure to tell him several times a day that I love him. I have been in counseling but I was just looking to see if anyone else knew what I meant and to see if they had sucess in bonding better. I am sure to that he notices but its also different because there is a 6 year difference. He gets upset that she doenst have chores to do and stuff like that. I am looking to try to solve this issue for my sake and for his

  • mytrueloveS
    January 20, 2013 at 2:27 AM

    My son sometimes acts like his father.  I see it in him and it pisses me off; I get along with the man at times, but I hate him.  I don't know, I see my son and just want to hug him and kiss him.  I miss him when I'm at work or he's with his father.  Sorry, I have no idea how you feel, but here's a bump for you and hopefully you can figure it out.  

  • ImaSoulMom
    January 20, 2013 at 3:12 AM
    It is hard. My children look just like the ex and i hate him for abandoning us. My family will sometimes project it onto my older son and when he reminds me of him i would get really sad. Then frustrated because the bastard did not want anything to do with babies he begged me to have. I would get really mad and parenting my them was really hard. Then my family would talk about what a jerk he was and ask questions about his mistress saying he is happy with his lover and they made you a joke because you are the one taking care of the kids by yourself.

    Then i realized they really are my kids that god gave me. I know he is their father but he is off with his ho and her three kids and sees them more than his own. I think of those as his kids. My little boys are wonderful and i hope to raise them to be good men despite the way their father is. For me it helped to think of them more as gifts from god that i am so lucky to have. Now even when we have hard times i look at them and think "we have each other!" We don't need anyone who doesn't want to be around because we are going to have so much fun on our own.

    Then i plan a special treat for our family of three. A little picnic in the playground. Two toys from the dollar tree and a book from goodwill for me. We make up a game or have a dance party (at least they don't mind my awful singing ;) lol

    Sometimes it is hard to stop being mad at the ex but our kids are not them and they don't have to turn out like them thank god. I had to tell my family that they are wrong, that i won because i love my boys. That i am choosing to be happy and when they start i say i gotta go play with my babies.

    It is hard but tickle your son and daughter and watch them laugh. It's so worth it! All the heartache and struggle, i look at them when they sleep and think "we did this together! We are doing this as our own little family! No matter what you have me"

    Dang! I wrote you a book. Sorry. Your post was touching because i know how bad thoughts can take over if you let them. Be strong. :)
  • labrax
    by labrax
    January 20, 2013 at 3:48 AM

    I can understand what you are feeling and I agree with the previous poster that you should see him as your son not just as his father's son.

    Begin from the premise that he is your flesh and blood, then make time to spend with just him. Schedule out time to play with him, converse and try to know how he feels, thinks etc. it would just be like starting a relationship with a little boy you wish to love. The plus is that he's your son and you already love him, so you just wish to deepen the bonding.

    I'll love to know how it turns out for you. Goodluck and I like that you want to remedy the situation. Hugs.

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